she was
as healthy as a baby
when she woke up
she was as optimistic
as a child
as she walked the paths
that could be the
next thing to death
but every time
she slept
she was as sickly
as an old woman suffering
from a disease
for she sniffed,
her eyes puffy
wishing that she never woke up once more
and it was always the cycle
she wasn't the problem
the people were
but she always thought
she was the problem
so one night
she didnt want to be sick anymore
and it was one moment
that time had to close his eyes
for a sad girl living in a sad world
and a knife
wasnt always a good combination.

Swimming without assistance,
Progressing - stroke by stoke.

Gently moving along the surface,
Barely scratching the depths.

Stroke by stroke, I become stronger and more confident.
Stroke by stroke, I pound and penetrate the water.
Stroke by stroke, I overcome my previous position.

Each stroke like torture
Ripping myself out and falling back in,
Allowing the water to take a hold of me once again.

The water symbolised my struggles and insecurities.
A never-ending and already lost war,
I was battered, stroke by stroke.

I want so badly for good things to happen
I want them to turn the other way around
I want it to bring light to my darkness
I want the dark clouds away
I want more sunshine and rainbows
I want a garden with pretty flowers
I want a life I can call my own
But no

I want to be called strong but not because I'm broken
I want us to stop yelling at each other
I want them to love him as much I love him
I want good things to happen but it barely even happens

Life is so short so why follow the rules
I break them yet I still feel bad
I am tired of feeling so short of luck
I am tired of feeling not good enough
I am tired of being everybody's charm

For once I want to be the happiest I can be
Not for love, friends or storybooks
Life
Just life
Just me

For once I want to be able to prove to them I am worth something
I want to be able to show them
That not all things that are bad for them are bad for me
Not everybody they encounter are the same people that I meet

He isn't like you
Your friend
Or your neighbor
Or your husbands

My friends are not like yours
That talks behind your back
Call you names when you're not listening

Mine are family
He is my family
Well you too are family
But they are more than you'll ever be to me
And that fact breaks my heart even more

You are toxic.
You are the words unspoken.
You were the missing questions.
You were the extra five minutes in my routine.
You were the extra glance in the mirror.
You were the no-good thought then.
You became the after-thought now.

At most insecurities defines every envy.

Sometimes I wish time could just slow down,
and once that happens,
i'll be able to breath in and out
letting the weight on my shoulders lift away from me and i'll be able to run into the arms of an ecstasy life!

Then I....
Snap, back into reality.
As I stare myself in the mirror and say,
"I'm useless, imperfect, and plain-looking. BUT WHY?!"

Everyday I feel like i'm at war with the world,
and somedays I feel like i'm standing,
on the tallest mountain screaming at the top of my lungs,
"Why am I so fat? Why am I so ugly? Why can't I just be PERFECT?!"

I know this because if ugly had a definition,
it HAD to be me.
Everyday I see countless faces,
but all I care about is my looks!
Do they find me appealing enough?
NO THEY DO NOT!
All they see is a fat girl,
not a shining pearl.
All they see is my imperfections,
they TREAT me like and infection!
ALL THEY SEE IS THE SCARS BENEATH,
BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE SEEN!!!

I've tried so hard,
just to impress them.
But i've given up,
knowing that my best ISN'T ENOUGH...

SO...
Sometimes I wish time could just slow down,
and once that happens,
I WILL take that chance to breath in and out,
letting the weight on my shoulders lift AWAY from me,
AND I WILL BE ABLE TO RUN INTO THE ARMS OF AN ECSTASY LIFE.

Dear Madolyn,

God ******
Shut up
you obnoxious piece of crap
Get your brain to work
keep your problems to yourself
because no one really cares
The more you talk
the more you grovel and complain
the sooner they’ll want to leave
don’t you see?
Why haven’t you realized
you’re charity work
beggars aren’t choosers
so stop demanding love
Stop opening up so quickly
you’re too quickly won over
don’t you realize no one wants
a broken girl who will be friends with anyone?
Take words with a grain of salt
as so many people have lied before
you’re incapable of effective lying
so being quiet is the better route
A word of advice:
Be idle and passive
Tell no stories, just listen
Use your house and dogs to trick them
so they’ll want to be around you
Use grades instead of a personality
to win people over
since that personality and face of yours
is something nobody wants.
Remember what I’ve said
anytime you begin to text someone
or if you decide
to open your mouth

Love,

Your insecurities and fears

Dear life,

My simple rudimentary existence
Is ready to be
GONE.

If I’m gone,
How much pain will there be,
To equate the joyful memories?

If the world’s
an open letter,
I’m unread.

A bad ink,
Erased.
Time-worn.

I’m an empty piece
Of a shell
Living life’s own accord.

Stuck in mediocrity
Whose ambition is neutered
by self-doubt.

When I’m gone,
I’ll accept nothingness
With tacit acquiescence.

Would society remember
The chasm
of my bipolarity.

Their sardonic humors,
Smother me
to death.

Their greatness
Makes me
So small

When I’m gone,
Let them be aroused,
about my idiocy.

And thereafter,
Let them forget,
about my early demise.

Let this mortal coil,
be unwashed,
From a colossal of insecurities.

When I’m gone.