i never realized how much i liked being alone until i was, you know, like 6 years old.
maybe it’s the silence, or the fact that no one else can bother my thoughts but i am still just as attracted to being alone as i am to the way the snow will rest on the branches of trees... or that boy i see at that coffee shop every so often
but i mean usually people talk about loneliness like it’s a bad thing, but they have to realize that for me, the amount of people that i have in my life times 1000 plus a million (and lets through parenthesis somewhere in there) is not even the amount of miles it takes to get to just the moon. or the amount of minutes i would love to spend by myself aimlessly doing nothing other than trying to survive in my own thoughts.
i want you to know that i’m actually perfectly okay. i realize my parents worry about the increasing amount of time i spend not speaking to them and they worry about when i wont even say hello to my dog when i come home at 2:48 am 3 nights in a row but really i promise im okay
if promises were like hearts do you think they would cause the same amount of heartaches? i mean i never really cared about getting my heartbroken because then again, it allows me to be by myself more
i used to believe in a theory that if everyone got their hearts broken at the same point in time, nobody would be able to feel anything
now i only can believe in the feeling that i get when im driving in my car- you guessed it, alone, on a one way road with no stop signs because it is the only time when i can feel something without anyone else noticing
sometimes, spending time with people i love makes the urges to be alone harder to deal with. i know im supposed to want to go out and do things with others, but when the opportunities come, my mind is the gas pedal and my body is the break. or the other way around... i dont know for sure because ive never really had the time to figure it out yet but all i know is that the relief of how my blankets hold me at the end of the night makes it worth the torture

How do I milk these thoughts?
I extract them from her skull,
I turn off the colour switch
so she won't want to exist in this dull...
I scream inside her
and she fights me,
endlessly, tiredlessly,
She's trying all the solutions in the book
but without a grain of confidence,
she's a fishing line with no hook,
sinking into my kind of
state of mind for eternity,
penetrating my inner walls,
she knows my name as she falls,
She has become me.

Love (if I'm capable of that),
Anti.

Cradled in the heart,
A catharsis I’m seeking,
Your light, your love,
It was a beacon…

He admired her from a far.
The way she parked in her shiny car.
Her smile lightened all around,
Even him, who usually wears a frown.

He couldn't help but stare.
Such a beauty by a look.
But he never dared.
He'd be a fish stuck on a hook.

I want the Hook to hook up
So people can climb up the mountain
And the boat
But i don't want to Hook onto something
For just that one time
I want it to be something i latch onto and leave an unscathing mark
And hopefully it will be a long spark

Written September 29, 2015
"She reeks of cigarettes and ***
Her mind is consumed by how the last 3 hours even came to be what they were
You see no two friends can have *** without one falling for another..
And the chosen one in this scenario was her
She always thought he was something
The way his eyes lit up when he smiled at her jokes, the ease he had when he held his cigarette in his hand
And the way he talked about her
Jokes and flirtation hung in the clouds above them, circulating around and each time like lightening the question struck her
"Is he serious?"
Nothing quite stirred the storm like the first night they ******
You see two friends aren't meant to casually hook up
The way he kissed her lips the way he dug his hand so deeply and so passionately behind her back holding a grip on her like he was never going to let go
And the deep conversations that followed made her all the more comfortable around him
Yet, one child should not fall for another
So she leaves, reflecting back realizing it was one of the best nights she's ever had
Yet two friends shouldn't hook up
And she's in denial that this will continue and she soon will further gain her feelings
For him"

Written July 7, 2015

"10:30 the girl wakes up
11:00 the girl eats breakfast. She's contentious of what she eats for she doesn't want to upset you
Noon, she begins to clean, for she wants her interior to exploit a sense of cleanliness and organization, she does not want you to think low of her
12:30 she begins to hold a iron to her hair, puts on her black eyeliner and begins to shade in all her imperfections
She picks out matching underwear and bra to impress you
She puts on those long socks you like hoping you'll see deeper into the satisfaction she will bestow on you and for you to see deeper into her soul than the depth your **** will fill
1pm the girl gets anxious and self conscious, brushing her teeth every 5 minutes she is scared you're going to be scared off by the smells and odors her natural body gives
1:30 still nothing, as she lays on her bed trying to pass time and calm her nerves. Why is she nervous?? She's done this plenty of times she's had guys come in and out of her life she's had hands rub up her legs and eyes gazing at her chest, she's done this before - with him! She's gone down on her knees begging he will enjoy what she's giving, but maybe, she's begging for a different feeling..one he already denied her of receiving
2:00 the girl is antsy, eyes flickering on and off her blank screen awaiting a text to show up saying "I'm on my way" they now only have 3 hours of intimacy
3:00 her stomach rumbles. She's afraid if she eats she will look fat but if she refuses her stomach will rumble in his presence
Her mind is racing as time ticks on
Do not tell me that a guys puts in more effort
For this girl stayed up late painting her nails deep red hoping you'd think that's **** she sat there cleaning the edges trying to make sure that you could not see the imperfections she originally made
But, that's all this morning has been about..hasn't it?"

you are a needed nap in the afternoon
a curvy spine on a midsummer bloom

a freckle on a pasty white back
you are the number one cause of heart attacks

you are a seatbelt in my grandma's car
you are a satellite mistaken for a star

you are a bedside table with sleeping pills
a hook stuck in a fishes gills

you aren't really what you seem
a quirk, a cloud, a blurry dream

if i squint my eyes you're the brightest shape
and when i close my eyes i can still see your face