Honestly, I've never loved you.
Honestly, I never wanted you
Honesty, I wasn't  into this relationship
Honestly, you're beautiful and perfect but not for me
You deserve better
I'm sorry it's a little too late
I want to be a better man
So I don't have to pretend or lie anymore
Hit me or hate me
I won't judge you
At least for the first time
I gonna be honest with you

Where is that daunting monster
Boogie man in life’s shadow
Master mentor and concierge
Whose touch I’ve come to know

To you I’ll waste no breath
Beauty is not long and septic
My daunting docent of death
Midwife to misery, work quick

What small dignities remain
Strung of vomiting seconds
Cultures a pearl of great pain
To ferry a man of no direction

No, the drinking ain’t a social thing
The silence has been defining
So press my mind just like a bell rings
We’ll see what the hell that all brings
Cram another dose into the schedule
Right up until it’s consumed my soul
Stuff my mouth, ‘til I’m a painful full
All syllables, the argument’s controlled

The taste is fun and it all sounds sweet
It coats my nightmares with bright dreams
I can choose to become a story
But all pages can be left burning
The future is blank with a purpose
No one truly knows what comes next
I’ve got less worth, but I’m not worthless
Even when we’re getting close to it

Comparisons can be deadlier than a knife,
Cutting down your successes because you are drowning in your failures
Pinching at flesh
Scrubbing at teeth,
Pulling at hair.
Disappear.
Whiten.
Grow.
I am happy but not happy enough
I have money but not enough money
I have friends but not enough friends
Enough?
No
Never enough
Countdowns to dates you know are a waste of time
...Of energy
He will run out of conversations
You will run out of smiles
Moans to fill the silence
touches to fill the voids
Making love is close enough to love, right?
Smudged lipstick, clothes discarded, dignity no where to be seen.
At least someone held me.
That’s enough for now
I’ll be fine once I’m out of my twenties. My eighties will be better.
My Deathbed ruined by the flashbacks of the life i did not live.
My husband, my kids, my grandkids..
Here but...
they are not nearly as good as Carol’s or Debbie’s or Caitlyn’s.
Enough
No
Never Enough

burning fear withers in my socket
for when the tea touches your lips
our two worlds then split
everything i thought i knew will vanish
with hopes that when this disconnect
ends
our two pieces replenish

I’d call the drinking a social thing
But lately it’s when I’m most quiet
Please jog my mind for a bell ring
But isn’t our silence most violent?
Fill another dose into the schedule
Until it becomes the next regiment
Fill the void ‘til it hurts when I’m full
Every syllable in an argument

The taste is fun and it feels sweet
It coats a nightmare with a dream
And how I think becomes a story
But pages can be torn to nothing
The future is blank with a purpose
So tell me what the hell comes next
I’ve got less worth, I’m not worthless
But getting dangerously close to it