Serenity my impractical refrain
What oceans I have seen could not contain you
Still from long ago
You sleep with sediment in caves of night
Aiding my excuse not to come rescue

While only you could rescue me
And iron out my body crumpled
To let us sleep with tidy sheets
Relived of grime and filth that has compiled upon my years
Believing I can live with out
A single decent peace of mind
Oppression now has swam up stream
And lurks between resembled shadows
Of the memories adhering only to your name

Oh serenity my impractical refrain
Through fault, from which I’ve been delivered
A bitter place I’ve built around my self
Know that amends are only spoken towards your name
Depleted, torn and strewn I simmer
Swept a ‘withered, for oppression now lies within

Arise a faint acknowledge towards me
If ever you wish to return
And I will tend my bed so rightly
For our sound sleep, together, healing burns

I wanna tell you,
But then I’d have to slay you,
Virtually and figuratively,
Unbeknownst of the lash-backs.

Words that are brewed,
Halt at the red-rimmed double door,
Floundering in a quicksand,
And desirous of a disgorge.

Everyone’s got a darkness,
That threatens contagion,
But not everyone’s fleeing
A grim spirit unaware.

It’s been a gamble,
Every resultant road in shambles,
An oscillatory labyrinth of pity:
For yourself and the Sinister gaiety.

A desecrated fortress prevails,
Ruins tossed over for salvage,
The sole surviving fragment treasured
For forging a forgiveness-future.

Indecisiveness**
            enough as it is,
I stay in the confines of my comfort,
choices I begun to prolong.
Waiting for something
probably won’t come.

I walk back and forth,
And climbing ladders  
             - up and down,
       an unchanging routine
    draining the life-force
         of my pretend smile.
Sluggishly the plot-holes
       starts to appear
   messing the careful laid-out script
                 I master to act.
Barriers starts to crack, little by little
I gather the courage
   to put the imaginary duck-tape
   to hold them together
       a little while longer
until the final choice, is made sure
without fear and hesitation.

Deep blue
like an ocean
They draw me in....
And as if I'm in the ocean,
I can't seem to get out.
Or really even want to
even when I know I need to.
And the thing about those beautiful bright blues,
Is the history.
So much happiness
And so much pain
lie in their wake.
And I can't see past the horizon line.
But I know
It's bright...
But I know
it's stormy....
And in this moment,
staring into the depth,
I can't decide if I will stay afloat
blissfully
Or if I will drown
into the unseen.

Could’ve would’ve should’ve…
Didn’t…wouldn’t…couldn’t…
Ultimately…will you, won’t you?

What do you want from me?
Do I frustrate you?  
What does that look, that gleam betray to you?
What do the thoughts that dance behind those eyes say of you?
Are they the same as mine, will they remain true?

And what if those thoughts they changed, would you tell me?
If they somehow get rearranged would you sell me?
Exchange me in your thoughts silently before I see,
another taking my place before I  take leave.

But you don't even tell me them now at the beginning.
No words from a mouth that is kissing.
No words from a mouth so no sinning?
So tell me who here is winning?

And all this goes through my mind as we're kissing
and none of it matters because I'm no longer missing
what it could have been like to be with you
because that which  could have been has become truth.

This one and one has become two
but as the individuals they undo
will you and will I remain too?
Will you and will I remain true?

When you look at me can you see what I'm thinking?
Can you see the moment of hesitation in my reply
When you look at me do you see the searing fear running through my veins
Do you notice the shake in my hands
When you look at me what do you really see?

The solo road takes hold. I don't know where it goes, but where it goes I go.
A midnight’s drive under a sky full of clouds, blocking the moonlight.
Only the glimpse of a shimmering star guides my way, but to what I do not know.
A night of indifference, just going where this winding road takes me, but
I can barely see that shining star through clouds of hesitation.
The road is a one lane highway to a destination unknown
the fog is so dense it is like a layer of blankets used to hide the fears of a child in the dark.
At this point I wonder if it can hide my fears as well.
Do I even want to hide from these fears at all or should I stand up to the inevitable?
My engine’s sputtering, stalling, my car’s running out of gas and I feel like I just might crash.
I put my foot to the gas and hope that I wont fly through the glass and end up with my car smashed, because this car is my only way off this **** road in the first place.
I see no headlights coming my way even though I pray that one day I will see a light at the end of this godforsaken road but the day isn't today.
Some days I pray that I will lay on the road face down
with a trail of my essence turning the road red with release
but other days I carry on like it was my job to mindlessly keep both of my hands on the steering wheel and hope that at the end of this road, there’s an exit sign,
and that all I need’s a little more time.
Because night after night, my hands grip the wheel so hard my knuckles turn white as the fog that clouds my vision day after day.
My sighs echo down this ever growing street, every twist and turn feels like another reason
to unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door because
I’m going 85 in a 50 and I can’t even see my own headlights on the road
my vision is blurred and my mind is as foggy as the road I drive on.
Every now and again I wonder what the point is
I can barely remember the day I started driving, it was so long ago
and I pray for the day when I can wash this fog away in rain,
that I’ll find an exit and take it.

Notice given, but not consoled;
The trembling of the soul.

Occurring at the helm,
Of the notion of the self.

I am dizzied in the frenzy,
A coursing without entry.

One morning I felt a thought
moving ahead of where I could see
collecting energy from my heart
it became so particular about me

that it fought its way over the sticks and stones
which fell into broken pieces wherever it went
I wondered what it held with single mindedness
so purposefully to make it struggle to the front

I followed where it led
it would not wait for me
it knew more than my mind could
it knew about where I wanted to go

but when I called it gave no answer
I couldn't stop it
I couldn't hold it back while I dithered
on and on it went

on a path I could only wonder
as though it had destiny all worked out

a sweet song called from deep in the forest
so joyful a bird it broke my heart in two
and part of me ran to find its nest
but it needed no path as I should have known
and after a rest
off it flew

I retraced my steps back to the forked place
at that moment the thought was gone
though I found a piece of black lace
caught on a thorn

it dissolved in my hand when I held it up to the light
leaving powdery graphite on my finger tips
which had the forgotten taste of sea spray at night
when the tip of my tongue touched it

I heard the whisper of kisses from long ago
and then I looked down in silence
alone and lost - too late I knew
abandoned to my thoughtlessness