You broke me, but that is nothing new.... I knew you had the means to break me when we were almost something.... I had handed you my most prized possession.
I so effortlessly passed myself over, too naive to think about the consequences, or the fact that even though I love you, it didn't mean you loved me.....
I knew you broke me when I was sitting in a restaurant too exhausted to cook, breaking down at the table by myself while watching couples who could have been us laughing and eating.
I knew you broke me when I hated going to bed and staring up at that stupid dull white ceiling in silence, my mind going over everything I might have done wrong.
when sleep came I was finally at peace, but not for long....
I knew you broke me when every morning I dreaded getting up because it meant I had to do another day without you.
I knew you broke me when I hated myself, hated how I looked because maybe if I looked better you would have stayed and chosen me.
hated how I talked, maybe if i used a softer tone? or more stern? you wouldn't have chosen her?
maybe if my eyes were blue? or my hair blonde?
I knew you broke me when I was tearing myself apart because you left....
you broke me, but I already knew you would.

Loneliness lamented,
never exempt from
tremendous emptiness,
relentless against
hellbent descent
of my own invention;
entrenched in
mental torment
taking up every tenement residence,
detention condemns.

But
summer still incenses
mid November
in sun scented
memories,
tempted by your
gentlest remnants,
still renders me
senseless.

Daydreamt,
ephemeral,
almost replenishes and mends
until
heart hemorrhaging
becomes a
drenching tempest,
like a fist clenching
tension
holding onto your
absence
and some semblance
of what you meant
and yet
goodbye
you went
again.

…
before him
i was lost
wandering around
i was wondering if another one was the one for me
but then he appeared and brightened my life with his smile
now
he is gone
but maybe he will give me a chance?

25/12/2024

Losing someone you never even dated is a different kind of Heartbreak.
You pour your emotions,
Your quiet hopes, into a connection that never fully existed outside of your Mind.

Every Smile,
Every Glance, becomes something you overanalyze.
Searching for a sign, a spark.
Something that might prove she felt it too.
But most days, it's like standing in the shadows.
Watching her move through life without ever really seeing you.

Stuck in this in-between,
Too much for just friends,
Somehow not enough for anything more.
And that Stings.
Wondering if she ever saw what you felt.
If she ever noticed your quiet affection or your subtle longing.

Unrequited love doesn't fade,
It buries itself deep, waiting in some quiet corner of your heart.
Still Aching.
And sometimes we wait too long for the love we deserved all along.
Forgetting that our worth is never tied to someone else recognition of it.

But you can never forget the weight of love unspoken,
A story that never began yet still feels irrepairably broken.

you were uprooting me and not even trying to hide it....
ripping me apart from the seems on purpose.
like it gave you some sort of pleasure to sit there and destroy me.
i could feel the life being ****** out of my soul, and i screamed your name because you were supposed to be my hero.
i was drowning.... but you were the reason.
you just kept pushing me down further and further, as i screamed for help.
screaming
and
screaming
and
screaming
trying so hard to hold on, grasp anything i could to escape this torturous reality.
but you were everywhere, stabbing me from every angle.
you were supposed to save me.
my hero.

I've been running pens dry because of you.
taking the dark black ink and ripping it of its pigment.
like you did to my heart, holding it and admiring it until you used it all.... drained it, ****** the life out of it.
all i wanted was you.... you and genuine love but i couldn't get that, so now i need something, a destraction, a medication to heal this drained and shattered heart.
I will empty pens just like you emptied me.
carelessly....