I do not beg

I do not pray

I do not grovel

Or cry or waver

But the moment

You stepped away

I would have done anything

For you to stay

And just when I thought
I was over you
You came back
Like a sucker punch
You left an impression
Then left altogether
And now I have to start over
Being over you

I know now
You did love me,
You just had a different way of showing it,
Through gifts and acts of service
That didn’t speak to me.

I know now
You did love me,
But we were different people
Triggering each other
From our past histories, hurt and pain.

I know now
You did love me,
In spite of your atrocious behaviour,
But we were two different people
With different values and expectations.

I know now
You did love me,
And it’s tragic
We couldn’t make it work,
But enough of the arguments, control
And lack of trust -
A cornerstone of all relationships.

I know now
You did love me,
And I wish you well
And truly hope you can overcome your demons and challenges,
And find the right person
Who loves you
For you deserve happiness.

I know now
You did love me.
And I loved you.

You learned how to starve me
Without letting me leave the table
You trained me to mistake
Famine for devotion
And still
I kept swallowing the scraps
You don't understand
What it means to hold a body that
Beats itself ****** trying to
Keep you alive inside of it
Stress turns muscle into glass
That can only be shattered
And I've been shattering
Everyday you've said "I don't know"
Do you know what it feels like
To drown upright in a room while
The person you love forgets you
Exist?
You talk about car oil
About money
About Ireland
Anything to avoid acknowledging
The countdown to my own collapse

To this day

I still can't say goodbye

Even after

You said it long ago