Laugh as you did before

So free

i sank into you so easily,
did I think it would hurt
any less?

i fell
so **** hard
i hit the floor
and shattered -
messy broken pieces
cradled by
copious coping mechanisms
and
erudite discussions of self-love.

Kiss the Sun
and
feel the fire
consume flesh
that weeps,
decays
for love,
starved and starving

so

willing to risk it all
for a future
that
feels far and foreign
like some forgotten
(or perhaps, mad?)
dream

juggle life and death
only to spiral
deeper
into the past
into the present
into emotional volatility
like
the withdrawals my heart endures
away from you
and
the pain of longing,
having longed for nothing more
than your touch;
addictive personality prevailing,
sinking further
into lovesick madness,
I turn to the past for answers:
memories attack like zombies
rising from dew-laden graves,
bursting
through time’s barrier
between the now and then...

i see myself
grasping someone’s thumb
i feel love
for the first time;

i see a girl
smiling at me -
she kisses me
awkwardly
next to a green ladder
and
i can’t respond
because
i don’t know how;

i see an arm around a shoulder
in the back of a Dodge van
and
a sweaty highschooler
asking for a girl’s
cellphone number -
did he save her life
or did she save his?
time slips
through them like
knives
cutting ribbons
out of clear paper
and
centuries rust
like the forgotten bike
in that groundhog’s shed;

i see a sweater,
hear a voice,
and my heart colours
the sky
with every shade
of the love
i cannot yet admit
i am feeling -
she is better than me,
of this i am certain,
which is perhaps
why it hurts when
she is so far
and
i already make myself
feel so small.

i see myself,
alone,
young,
afraid
how powerful my love
feels
when i let it go -
while no one’s watching
and
it has nowhere to go
but inward;
a tree falls,
hidden in the dark -

lay in the snow
and
cease.

my heart beats red:
blood-pulse-rhythm
beat beat beating

beating beating
beat

doomed
to love
and
cursed
to care

a fate
only human.

On the hard days,
The sad days,
The I miss you days,
Please come snuggle days,
On the days when emotions are more mountain and less mole hill,
More swing and less steady,
On the days when you gave your best and still felt short,
I am here,
Rooting for you!
You are always enough
Exactly as you are!

You were my light,
but you burned out
You fell, and I
fell down with you

I thought
we were gonna be the best
In my dreams
we were gonna go away
Travel abroad
and never come back
At least not as the same people

Now you simply stop my heart
Instead of making it beat,
like you used to

--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--.--

I wonder if you know
any of this
I hope not,
but if you did
I guess you'd write songs about it

If you ever did,
would you let me
hear them?
Because I would love that
like I love you

I
cannot
compose myself
anymore

People seem to think
the hardest part is making the choice
But actually
The hardest part is sticking with it

Its not set in stone yet
But it needs to be

i'm writing this because i need to focus
i'm writing this because i need to get it off my chest
i'm writing this because it's driving me insane
rather
i'm writing this because i don't know if i'm going crazy or if it's real
i'm writing this because i have a mile high stack of responsibilities with my name on it that i can't seem to get to because all day all i do is think of you.
so here goes.

i'm still in love with you.

scrap that.

i still think of you every day
i still feel your touch on my skin
i still hear your voice in my ear
i still catch myself pretending you're next to me
when i can't sleep at night

so what do you think?
am i still in love?

is this just the loneliness of winter in the city getting to me?
is this just desperation?
is this just having not been kissed in so long?
is this OCD? is it depression? is it my anxiety?

or is it you?
is it me?
was that why you left?

it doesn't matter anyway, right?


each memory of us replaying through my mind like a film with no ending
i spend each morning and each night waiting
for that final scene

i tried to force myself to think
of all the reasons we went bad
all the sour memories
bitterness
i could taste it on my tongue
cruel words
pouring out of my mouth
like hot oil
the tears
burning like fire from my eyes

but the laughter and the joy
keep coming back
oh god joy
i haven't felt that in a while have i

it had become a synonym for you

now i know that i'm fine
i have no trouble getting through

it's just the getting over
that's proven hard to do

so if someone could let me know

am i in love?

or is this a passing storm?

will i sink or swim?
should i dive right in?

the hardest place to be
is right where you are
in the space between
the finish and the start