There is a sun
shining cool
hanging low
and beneath it
is a smiling rose.

Between the two
which one are you?

She declared war upon herself in the midst of her savage self-hatred
Cutting her skin and suffocating her throat till she begged for air’s price.
She was once was a child afraid of just touching any sharp blade
Encase it accidentally cuts her and now: She doesn’t think twice

before picking up that blade and shoveling it into her skin like a smith.
She baked lies on her forgotten suicide note. Lies that disguised
themselves in coats of truth. She strangled her own chest with
ropes of words she didn't utter and blocked new hope from unsupervised

entering into her dejected lungs that begged for life's meaning not reprimands.
But she found no purpose to keep her garden living so she therefore
poisoned every plant and washed any seeds of life left in her sunless lands
down the drain until she fell into an everlasting sleep. Her wish for

peace had come to her but others wept on the loss of a friend, student, daughter, and one less hazed
family member. They never believed her when she said she wanted to commit suicide anyways.

I distract myself
filling time slots and empty Windows
blaring nonsense instead of sitting in deafening silence

I beat at my own skull
pulling my eardrums out like string from my head
watch videos on tying nuces
anything,
to keep me busy
anything,
to keep me from doing the actual hanging

because right now
I'm sitting in silence,
and it's like a timer
it's like I'm just counting the seconds before I start crying
how long can I last?
1 minute,
2,
5
it's a waiting game
so instead
I distract myself
I watch TV
and YouTube
scroll through Instagram and Pinterest until I run out of pictures
I talk to myself
I beat myself until the thoughts go away
or... turn a blind eye,
until I'm so good at pretending that I can pretend they're not even there
until distraction is my second nature
because...
Don't you see?
Can you understand?
It's the only way I can stay alive

You are my ampersand..

The playground is getting dark
It’s almost time to go
Finally I smile and lean my head back
And then I go and swing some more

My neck strains as I'm
Swinging to and fro
Isn’t this playground lovely?
I laugh and swing myself some more.

I tighten the rope a little more
There’s still a little way to go.
But better safe than happy
So off the shaky seat I go
Swinging to and fro.

I dangle from my rope
There’s nothing left at all
There’s a smile on my face
As you watch me
Swinging to and fro.

Revisiting the oceans;
pulled away from death
by the thin lines of air
hanging above my head

you pull me under, again.
I have survived — why must you
keep grasping at my ankles
gnawing at my flesh

I am reaching to the cosmos for
rescue, but the water is warm.
Do I drown in the sea or dance
among the stars?

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

losing phone tag, no reply
reread texts, heavy sigh

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

unlock, check, and lock again
the clouds outside are heavy with rain

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

seconds, minutes, hours pass
hack through time with tempered glass

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare

night fall, rain start
dully beating sluggish heart

blank black screen stare
call me back, if you dare