the room is red, through
eyes stained by
blue glass ,

vague memories plague
me
(a girl in a dress,
the orange sun, and the red
and white
of his walls)

i can’t believe i know you,
with water leaking
from your eyes .
                          .
and
one day,
i think —
while gassed,

ill carve our initials into
the first
tree i find ,
and cry into my palms
just
to help it grow .
                           .

and
maybe that will make me love you
back.

I live in a world of vapors,
Nothing is tangible,
No thing can be grasped.
I grabbed you and you me,
Hand in hand we went together through the steam,
The air,
The gas that is this world.
We let go and couldn't find each other again,
Our bodies could,
But in the world of vapors that wasn't enough,
I was your liebe,
Someone else is now.
You refused to live in this intangible world,
I couldn't follow you to the world of money,
Credit cards,
Trips in my car,
I don't have a car.
I remain alone in this unclear world,
Trying to kidnap someone,
Destined to always be
Nothing more than a ghost.

Bad memories linger
     In sour clouds of self pity
   **Like farts of the mind

It's not the kind of sadness which makes you want to cry all the time,
But the kind of sadness that overwhelms your senses so much,
You began to question your sanity
You lost touch with all your emotions.

Venlafaxine in the day
A little white pill,
Promising you no more break downs.

Sertraline in the evening
Two little blue pills,
Selling you dopamine and fake smiles.

Quetiapine in the night
Three little pink pills,
Swearing that you'll be in control.

Those lies they feed you
False hope sold in crazy little pills,
I still clutch the bottle of gas
Dreaming of normalcy,
Cradling a razor blade on broken skin
I smile like a fool.