I get a hard-on whenever I see a hot car
I wanna pump it…yes…I just wanna floor the gas
Blinkers in my rear view when I flash by
Them no fit catch me, not even my tail lights
I like tuners but I really dig exotics
Classy, flashy plus it gets me hot chicks
See the look in her eyes when I do car tricks
Zoom zoom zoom …screeeeech…next please
As I lie
Waiting to die
All I can do is cry
Then look up very high
Into the sky
Oh, what would it be like to fly?
Or become a spy?
I was always quiet and shy
In Junior High
I wore an old school colored tie
On the fourth of July
As a kid I learned to Multiply
And even simplify
The blood on my thigh
Has begun to dry
I see a light
I see a light
Even though it’s night
Then close my eyes tight
I think back to the strife
When my wife
Took a knife
And ended my life
I sat there before the man puzzled in a loss for words now I finally understood how most people dealing with me felt for a change.
So what do you think?
The man asked with a gleeful look in his eye minus the ****** gay *** musical covers of once kickass music .
Looking at the cover of what was supposed to be my master work A Cold Beer Beats A Warm Heart yes a shameless self plug really if that's the lowest you believe I have sunk in life I feel sorry for you.
I viewed the cover looking for a nice rational response to my publisher let's call him **** for brains ******* I wish would die!
And you thought I hated the like button.
It ******* ****'s **** amigo.
What ? ,Are team spent hours designing this it's catchy and edgy
it screams you .
I knew this man without a doubt was on far better drugs than I had ever tried in my life once told me one thing.
I really needed to figure out where this guy hid his drug's.
Okay what don't you like about it?
Duh who wants a picture of Leonardo Dicaprio on there cover of there book.
What? The man looked at me stunned then looked at the cover again
that acid must really be kicking in for he kept doing this several times before finally breaking his odd silence.
It's a picture of a water bottle next to some swiss cheese .
Duh ******* I said in a respectful manner like I said who wants a picture of that ****** bag Leonardo Dacaprio on there cover .
What the hell are you talking about this cover is brilliant we have been working like almost one whole day to put this together now what's the ******* problem with it?
The publisher said this to me in his outside voice and being it was indoors it led me to believe the stuff he was on was wearing off .
I had to try another approach I had to get down to his level and this couldn't be achieved with any store bought whiskey so I broke out
my trusty mason jar and took a big hit of some good corn whiskey.
After finally catching my breath and when my vision slightly returned I broke my silence.
Look my friend it's simple when selling a book with my name on it
the reader expects a few simple thing's
One bad taste and bad spelling.
Two long writes of total ******* with lots of mentions of ******* .
And most important a cover with some hot half naked strippers duh
what doesn't say poetry like hookers ?
Okay and your point is this strange man who signed me to a contract
yet thought for some reason the crazy **** I spoke of was simply a act.
My point is you can't put a picture of Leonardo Dicaprio on my book.
It's not a picture of him it's a water bottle next to some swiss cheese .
Shh I told this delusional man, far worse than myself .
I motioned him to lean closer and in a whisper I said what about the curse?
What ******* curse he said once again in much to loud of a voice I swear this man was far harder to train then one of my barley legal girlfriends course I didn't have my whip or coyotes I'm kidding I don't have any coyotes what do I seem like Lily Mae ?
Look sir everyone knows about the Dicaprio .
The what ?, Are you ******* insane ?
Well yes but that's not the point here sir by the way what's that sent your wearing?
Oh it's axe do you like it's broke back swallow lighting.
No actually I was going to ask had you ran over a skunk or a French ***** .
We rambled on a bit and after couple of hit's from Mr Gonzo's family recipe.
Then just to drag this ****** out we spoke about how axe body spray is great if you want to smell like a French ***** not that I know any but hey message me I'm always here cause I have no life .
But enough with the foreplay children.
I told my ever so high and drunken pain in the **** friend the legend of the Dicaprio and how if you said his name four time's in the mirror after the fourth time he would appear and then take you hostage while torturing you with the cruelest act possible .
Making you watch all his boring *** movies while jerking him off on the couch till you were bored to death.
Oh my God ! ,The publisher responded in terror !
We have to stop this book from getting in the hands of young people everywhere !
The publisher knowing just how serious this matter was called the publishing house slash back room in a Atlanta **** theater .
But it was to late the books had already been sent out .
And soon something far worse than a zombie outbreak would take hold of the world one city at a time .
Dear Lord what had I created ?
It all started off so innocent just like a **** movie with script really does anyone care to have art direction in there ****?
Some little hamster would buy the book in some bargain rack thinking why is that ****** bag Leonardo on the cover ?
Then they would show it to a friend the book I mean whatever they do in there private life is up to them I'm not judging but if there hot chicks send me a pic or two I'm just saying throw a dog a bone .
But then the two hamsters would always mention hey have you ever Dicaprioed?
And as always that heartless ******* would strike again dam you James Cameron what did you unleash upon this earth.
I would go in hiding in shame for my creation of course I still spent my royalty checks on hookers ***** and ******* but although I seemed happy inside I was hurting .
Duh I'm kidding hell anyone dumb enough to summon the dark lord of boring *** movies gets what they deserve.
My publisher would hang himself well I can always wish .
And as all ten of my devoted fans scratched there heads as to why is there a pic of a ****** bag on the cover .
The answer was simple .
Cause publishers are stupid and more high than I could ever be so
don't sign **** kids or you to will be driven into the depths of further madness much like yours truly .
— The End —