Where is my language
and why can't I speak it?
It's being replaced
with a haze of Spanish eyes
and olive skin
casting shadows across itself
in the mid-morning sun.
I would be one
to remember the days
of what I could say,
words integrate,
binding my tongue to the roof of my mouth.
Colder, colder, migrating south,
hold my hand and tell me
it will be alright.
I wanted to know how the bird in flight
felt to have its feathers washed from its body,
how the decaying leaf
felt to be buried in snow.
And now all I want to know
is how it would feel
to be the world's smallest organism.
How it would feel to divide, divide,
roots so shallow I can't find my feet,
swept away by the smallest rush
of pins pushing against my body.  
How it would feel to be torn apart
in the name of science -
would I still be beautiful
if my ribs were inside out?
Would I still be beautiful
if my heart bloomed like the winter flower?
Would you love me if I could be anything,
a wasteland with a clear surface,
water being poured down the drain?
If I was a sequence,
the number of steps before the next system over,
would my DNA align just enough
to make me reflect you?
I'm hapless,
lethargic,
entirely theoretical,
and I'm counting the number
of substitutions I can make
before I no longer exist.
What will it take to wipe me away?
How many cells do you have to remove from my spine
before it is no longer my own?
I used to want to feel
the air breathing with me,
to know what it is
that makes the water love the earth so dearly.
Now all I want to feel
is soft skin on my hands,
the curve of my waist as I sleep,
the skin pale under the sheets,
beauty sighing from between my blue lips.

New start in a small town
Pulled apart by foreign eyes
Not like when I disappeared
Into the chaos of crowds

Grew intimate with a tease
Underneath a microscope
All being introduced too soon
Bore the promises of deceit

Paused the mainstream music
Needed to get out of this party
Didn’t need a ******* to leave with
Not drunk enough to lose myself

Drove home silently along lit roads
Careful to turn off headlights
Before approaching driveway
Turned off my buzzing phone

you planted trees down my worries
and grew love in all of the places i was too afraid to shine
and now a forest grows in all of the corners your fingers got to know
and wonder dances through the leaves to your magic breeze

but someone once told me that curiosity killed the cat
and yeah maybe when you smiled at me that first time
i wondered where you had been my whole life
and i think that's where we went wrong
just like the nights you spent telling me words
in the way your language speaks them
and i spent my hopes and dreams on them
i could see them being the key to all my wants and needs

but magic is made up of tricks
and you sure are the master
at making me believe the trees were real
but lately the plastic leaves have melted from the fire
you rekindled in my heart
and even if the words weren't true
you gave me something bright and new

i know we all are trying to be the best humans we can possibly be
so i don't blame you for leaving what you breathed into me
because really, i chose you to come do these things to my heart
i prayed and hoped and i manifested you to be there
when i looked up from my lonely hands

if only you hadn't come into work that night
if only i hadn’t stumbled to that side of the beach
to that side of the world
if only i had done something differently in my past
then maybe, just maybe then
i wouldn’t have fallen into the arms of lost hope
and maybe we would have never known
that magic could exist in strangers
maybe everything occurring now would feel real

but instead i am walking through some kind of lucid dream
and i can't figure out what my room used to feel like
because now it just looks so unfamiliar to me
like the person i am

i can't find her

what did you do when i looked up at you? some kind of spell..
i am ready to be free

i want you

but you don't have room left for someone like me

I am a foreign woman
Expressing myself to you
In a foreign language
These words are your words,
Yet somehow reside in me

it's okay to want home
when everything is just so foreign

blood of mine so far
to live the life of a double star

the constant war in my head
separate from a woman who birthed my connection thread

the days and nights spent in a deep state of trance
the wounds isolate me wanting to watch a ghost dance

must I feel like a wanderer every month?
pass by strangers while I am on a tedious hunt

o' universe teach me how to converse
so I can move on without such need to rehearse

always the outcast in my environment
people have yet to learn about my abandonment

a fragile soul I live in
I will always live with Nemo's small fin

I love ever so hard
for I know how it feels to be left scarred

blood of mine so far
to live a life of a double star

~ p o e t r y of the lost adoptee