Laying in the darkness
Stars glimmer brightly
You hold me tight
This cold winters evening
Whispering in my ear
Saying how much you love me

I turn away
Pretending to sleep
Ashamed to face you
Wishing to be somewhere else
Anywhere else

But it’s not because of you
That I turn away

I’ve dreamed once, trusted once
Loved once but now I can’t
No matter how I try

I do try
But all I see is
My heart ripped in a million pieces
Thrown
Fluttering to the white crusted river of tears below

And now
Like an old photo in the sun
I’m fading
Fading from dreams, fading from trust
Fading from love…

Fading from you

No it’s not because of you
That I’m afraid to love

It’s because of him
He who I gave everything to
I gave my time, my mind, my trust
Shared my fears, my dreams, my thoughts…

My bed

No it’s because of him
That love has become
The thing I
Fear
The most

We are only a
                moment.

A breath fading
     from its inception

But let every
             subsequent action
             mean more than the last.

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see who I am pretending to be

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see I want you next to me

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see that I am lonely

I'm right here
this is me
can't you see I can barely breathe

I'm right here
this is me
am I covered by an invisible sheet?

I'm right here
this is me
why am I turning into a memory?

I'm right here
this is me

You’ve been there for the mistakes
     And the bad dates
          Through the heart aches
               And shallow souls
                    From the homesick fights
                         To those drunk nights
            I looked to you
            And found
Endless jokes when we spit up our cokes
Joyful nights when we worked away the fear
Cold walks where we talked till the end of the world
I told you everything between my ribs and heart
            I hope we will hold strong
            But if we slip from each others grasps
                        I just ask you
To remember

The secret of love,
Of remaining together...
Is not what everyone supposes.
It is not always the bringing of gifts,
The candlelight dinners
Or bouquets of roses.
After the bloom is off
these loving flowers,
Irritations and troubles arise.
There are clashes
Over little things.
And lovers forget
The vows they made so easily,
Violating them with anger.
Old resentments from the past
Rise up to poison with enmity,
The nearness that will not last.
Those with wisdom shun these fights,
The sad agony of lonely nights,
Lying awake and wondering
If love still exists, or if one matters,
To the other, if one cares at all.
Over time, self-protection grows,
And the lover builds a rancorous wall
Where weeds choke sunlight from the rose
And the other cannot hurt you.
But the play still goes on,
Like a song that still repeats,
Over and over unnoticed.
And a pantomime of caring
Begins to form, with hollow smiles
And half-hearted promises.
The Rose now lists against the wall,
Pale and tamed, like a common plant,
A vegetable in a kitchen garden.
And lovers expect passion
From a dreary fruit like this?
But once in a thousand times,
Deep roots that began long ago,
Giving rise to the first flower of love,
Last beyond boredom, thirst and drought.
Thorns pierce their hearts through the wall,
Bringing tears of surprise and recall.
The lovers find after the rain:
They have what they have sought.
And that which they sought is all.

Summer 2018

The sky is so blue, yet so very sorrowful,
Here in my prison, these thoughts just won't fade,
Exiled from a holy world into a lonesome, somber lunacy,
This painful day, the dream of a better, hopeful tomorrow,
Are truly the light of my fading consciousness in this hell,
So I went to count the days till judgement deems me pure again, until I may become whole once more from these broken shards of the past,
Budding sprouts begin to bloom quietly, as the timeless seasons rush by and vanish into the bittersweet remembrance of ones memories,
"Stay, even if you're weak, dear conscious" I wispered to myself as then my tired eyes got distracted for a brief moment,
Time already had come to an inevitable halt, so at least my pocketwatch told me after letting out one last, delicate ticking sound,
With that, the phantoms of my past had laid down to rest, as the coming dawn greeted me by displaying the fading stars of the sky,
This is truly a repeated tale I endure in this pitiful isolation,
But if my painful past were to be erased, the last brilliance of my life would be deemed lost, for the darkest moments truly are a gift from above, helping us to determine moments of joy, bliss and purest love,
So I hope that one day, this body of mine will swift into prayers, hopefully in the beauty of an unclouded light, filled with moonlight,
Maybe then, I can finally move on, leave this lunacy far behind me,
Deep inside these puzzled eyes give me courage,
Despite being sealed away I shall discard everything and challenge this unmerciful fate of mine,
Then I can reach that sky, where my ideals are displayed,
Surely freedom awaits the border of consciousness, at least I hope,
Love blooms on the waters surface, filled with countless tears
And with this newfound freedom I can withdraw myself in this wonderful, pure holy world I waited for so long!
Despite it being distant a fantasy,
I dream of a hopeful tomorrow,
Here, in my exile.

~ Umi

frightened about addictions--
mine feel far less dark
because they blaze from a white
screen

lower the brightness. i can't
bear to feel my eyes
dissolving like my dull white
scream