New day, with dawn of rising sun
off the docks, cruising towards horizon
light and breezy all, felt like blessed by Poseidon
Skinny dipping for happiness, hope I find some.

Many I got bon voyage, many I curses,
many were on board, many kraken lurks.
Head straight, high sail,
ignored all, focused on right trail.

Pleasant journey until now, premonitions around,
dark clouds, high tide, ensuing panic in crowd,
blinded became Travis, undermined the upcoming crisis
Darkness engulfed, realized too late, next moment...  

**** hit the fan down came the rain,
followed by storm and a huge hurricane.
Bulldozed through, but that's just iceberg's tip,
it's gonna be titanic soon, already feel like losing grip.

Beyond horizon, can't see,
calm sea or whirlpool will there be.
All I know, strength of these sails,
sailors and that mysterious gentle gale.

For my situation in life
I don’t blame my parents
or anything like that,
They may well have been crap
And ****** me up
(Just Like Larkin said)
But blaming others won’t change anything,
It is as it is
And I try and take ownership
Rather than mitigate and delegate
Hate.

Over the years
I’ve met many people who look back in anger,
Blame all the faults they have,
All the problems they’ve encountered,
On their parents
Or others,
How they were raised as kids
Else treated at school by a teacher.
And, you know,
Maybe it’s true
And maybe it’s not,
But I try hard
Not to linger,
To doff
And point an accusatory finger.

Standing naked and alone
Facing with all your faults,
Taking ownership is difficult
And accountability *****,
But when the blade of justice swings
It’s important - even for such a schmuck as me -
To face the consequences,
Not to duck!

drunk with sleep jotting words down
with the weight of heavy thoughts.
the image, the room, the clapping hands
tie my brain in knots.
nails through my arms, downward spiral
cascading into my head.
lonely space, a clustered room,
my irises were stained red.
the burden of pain seeps into my skin
where potted plants are shattered.
the flesh underneath slowly becomes
heavy and worn and tattered.
the weight of my limbs slowly snakes out
constricting my every breath.
time is against me, legs have grown weak
while running straight towards my death.
the smiles they wore, gingerly placed,
caused my eyeballs to melt away.
that knife in my chest burrowed down deeper,
but tonight, i'll let you stay.
the rain didn't cease, yet the sun was out
on the other side of the mirror.
the images scattered throughout my subconscious
left me feeling inferior.
"if this is the lowest i've ever been
the only way out is up."
my innards were spilling into the room
but i gave up on acting tough.
i lowered my fists and admitted defeat
my white flag proudly waved.
the various poisons that coursed through my veins
would escort me to my grave.
they say, when you're bit, you cut yourself open
to rid yourself of bad blood.
i've ****** myself dry but at this point in time,
i fear it isn't enough.
to escape with my life, to live everyday
as if to steal it from death.
i sit and ponder my existence
and wonder about what's left.
if this is the road carved into my core,
i'm uneasy to say that i'm ready.
i wipe tears from my face, brace myself
to try to hold my hands steady.
my palms grazed the surface, my fingertips yearning
for something hidden in me.
my hands clasp the handle somewhere in my being
to try to tear the knife free.
the crimson blood emerges, too,
and paints the air with pain.
if this i my life, i can only fight
to not live it out in vain.

I am everywhere, the shadow remains of the girl I was supposed to be.
This amazing girl, full of life and oh so sweet. She whispers to me sometimes in my sleep.
I wish I could see her again, hear the silent voice before it cracks like a tweak underneath your shoe.
In the park without trees, I remain still. I made my bed, crushed underneath my anxieties.
The hope that washes away from me little by little, the sparkle in my eyes replaced by a deep understanding of nothingness. A hollow shadow that can only see.
I am nowhere not now here.
I once lived, really lived once.
But once is not here now and once is not me.
I am the shadow of something that was supposed to be me.

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!
Big, Biggest Love,
        Jeff Gaines