so you went on to let things go,
to stay away from the people who loved you most.
all because you were looking forward to something
perfectly undulant, so unexpected and so unfortunately right for you.

but what you didn't know
was that you were looking forward
to what would be the declivity of your life.


undulant. unexpected. unfortunate.

Another day, another to-do list
Two pages long, fists start to clench
Endless effort, you do your best
And at the end of the day, some are left unchecked.

You say: “I must do better tomorrow,                      
I should have gotten more done,
I really tried my hardest,
But I only finished some.”

A day full of work, but the tension remains
Your clenched fists aren’t relieved

Saying “only, but, should” and “must”
Only minimize what was achieved.

Perfection is ideal, but not attainable

And that is okay.

Do what you can, but take care of yourself.
Tomorrow’s a new day.

Love
You use it like a currency
One coin — after another —
when slipping through the mouth
of a vending machine
is no longer enough
You shove and pound on!
Until I gag:

moneysecurityopportunitysuccesspridepowerstatusdreamshappin­essthingsthingsthingsdeadthings

When I ask You:
“Do You regret gambling away
in me the Life that was promised
to You  
as a wasteful investment
when my open hand holds only
Disappointment?”

You answer with conviction
suffices to convict me
“Blood is thicker than water
so I will try harder”
as I swallow — each —
and — every —
— well — meaning — copper —
flood my throat
in the ****** beautiful taste of Love
Love
Love
Love
Nothing
but Love.

I shall never starve for Love
if only I had the stomach for such Food.

I'm there, but invisible.
I think that I'm invincible.
But I'm no Iron Man.

I try to be a Green Lantern
In a room full of Red Lanterns.
But trying is never enough.
Trying is never good enough.

Rage-filled regret
Strength-radiated reliance.
They call me devoted
Little do they know,
I've just deviated
From them all.

They tell me not to
Put up a fake front
A façade of sorts.
But I have to
To hide my scars
And shattered mind.

To say that
I'm good
When I'm not
Like aspiring to be
Like Atlantis
A picturesque paradise
An upsized utopia
An insecure phobia.

We were born
Into this world
Told that we were meant to
Change it.
Told that we were
Superheroes and princesses.

But I'm no Superman.
I'm a Sentry at war
With my own self
With those around me
With my own mind.

The happiness that I see
Is one that I cannot bear
Like Batman re-living
Past deaths in his lair.

I live it everyday
Feet full of lead
Like Doomsday and Superman
Here I lay,
On the ground,
Dead.

i will never go to virginia.
because in my mind it loves me
and i love virginia.

and ive never been
and ill never go.

green on the eyes,
warm on the flesh.
how could i burden such a place
with my expectations
my preconceived notions
with no preconception.

i know nothing about virginia
it can be anything i want it to.
beauty incarnated in a long narrow field
empty as hell below.
a blank cheque just waiting for me to fall in love.
i wont let it fool me.

I've always been in love with who I hoped you could be, not who you are.

i dont know if it is because your 
too white skin
too skinny neck
too long hair or
too deep soul

but

i feel you too much
i need you too much 
i want you too much

i dream too much about us
i dream too much about all my feelings,
the feelings you may have...
and i dont even know

everything is too much for me
i am afraid, that after all, i’m still here having nothing
not even your kisses
how can i survive without your lips on mine?
tell me how
because i am dying inside
i die everyday waiting your text asking me to go out and have some coffee

i miss the fact that i dont even know how is your funny face of getting to much soda while you laugh or when you listen to your favorite song 
or your favorite movie

i know your address
i know where my love is
but i cant go
do you see how it's ******* hard? 
i am just trying to fix what you have already ****** up

i’m still here, you have my number
you know the color of my eyes
please
think about it
dont you want me staring at you in the morning? 
just think about me 
and look up here
i wont be here forever
but i promise that i will try harder and stay here for a while
i love you

Sorry to interrupt your schedule program but I need to talk with the Mr. and Mrs.
Lead the children out I don’t want to shock them with the truth I am speaking
The world is ending in a couple of minutes by a force of our creation
No point in fighting just try to crying for mercy
Correction no point for begging cause there’s no escaping.

Your parents are wailing but you are all laughing at hands outstretched across the horizon
Maybe you aren’t scared of my image because you have no basis to draw your perceptions
You are still individuals not products of your parents’ dreams and fears
You still have free will, no concept of living, of course, you won’t be afraid of dying
You aren’t affected by my presence since you have yet to be introduced to me
But eventually you’ll fear me, join me, and you’ll be the cause of your child’s undoing.



© Sofia Villagrana 2018