My best friend told me I’m in love with love
At first I didn’t think anything of it
But now I see it
I really am in love with the concept and everything that comes with it

This isn’t a good thing
Matter of fact it’s the complete opposite
Just the thought of having someone to always talk to and even go on dates or just cuddle sounds great
But at the same time I feel weird about it all

Having someone depending on me
Someone who isn’t my parents or friends isn’t something I like so much
In the movies it seems all great
Probably because it isn’t me or romantic movies are hardly ever accurate

I get so wrapped up in a fantasy
By fitting into the idea of what I want in a partner
So then I could mark all the checks on the list

Grit your teeth and silence your words
A lady must be delicate, like the songbirds.
Stand up straight, your chin held high
Presentation is how you will get by.
Unruly hair in a bun, heels two inches tall
Perfection is a must as if you are a doll.
Go to college, get good grades
Being a writer won't pay anyways.
Be independent, but not too wild
We raised you to be a conservative child.
Look to your sister she does it right
She has a job, a boy, and soon a dress of white

But I'm not her, I try to say
It's frustrating to be compared this way.
I prefer the company of fictional characters
Then to be defined by the parameters
Of a life that you have created for me and not by me
Where I am scrutinized if I stumble
Or take a tumble.
When I look up, you tell me to gaze back down
Smile my dear, no one wants to see you frown

We want what’s best for you
Don’t you want it too?
A house, a husband, maybe a child or two.

But I still desperately hope they will see
What’s best for my life, for my future possibilities
Is for me to be me.

so you went on to let things go,
to stay away from the people who loved you most.
all because you were looking forward to something
perfectly undulant, so unexpected and so unfortunately right for you.

but what you didn't know
was that you were looking forward
to what would be the declivity of your life.


undulant. unexpected. unfortunate.

Another day, another to-do list
Two pages long, fists start to clench
Endless effort, you do your best
And at the end of the day, some are left unchecked.

You say: “I must do better tomorrow,                      
I should have gotten more done,
I really tried my hardest,
But I only finished some.”

A day full of work, but the tension remains
Your clenched fists aren’t relieved

Saying “only, but, should” and “must”
Only minimize what was achieved.

Perfection is ideal, but not attainable

And that is okay.

Do what you can, but take care of yourself.
Tomorrow’s a new day.

Love
You use it like a currency
One coin — after another —
when slipping through the mouth
of a vending machine
is no longer enough
You shove and pound on!
Until I gag:

moneysecurityopportunitysuccesspridepowerstatusdreamshappin­essthingsthingsthingsdeadthings

When I ask You:
“Do You regret gambling away
in me the Life that was promised
to You  
as a wasteful investment
when my open hand holds only
Disappointment?”

You answer with conviction
suffices to convict me
“Blood is thicker than water
so I will try harder”
as I swallow — each —
and — every —
— well — meaning — copper —
flood my throat
in the ****** beautiful taste of Love
Love
Love
Love
Nothing
but Love.

I shall never starve for Love
if only I had the stomach for such Food.

I'm there, but invisible.
I think that I'm invincible.
But I'm no Iron Man.

I try to be a Green Lantern
In a room full of Red Lanterns.
But trying is never enough.
Trying is never good enough.

Rage-filled regret
Strength-radiated reliance.
They call me devoted
Little do they know,
I've just deviated
From them all.

They tell me not to
Put up a fake front
A façade of sorts.
But I have to
To hide my scars
And shattered mind.

To say that
I'm good
When I'm not
Like aspiring to be
Like Atlantis
A picturesque paradise
An upsized utopia
An insecure phobia.

We were born
Into this world
Told that we were meant to
Change it.
Told that we were
Superheroes and princesses.

But I'm no Superman.
I'm a Sentry at war
With my own self
With those around me
With my own mind.

The happiness that I see
Is one that I cannot bear
Like Batman re-living
Past deaths in his lair.

I live it everyday
Feet full of lead
Like Doomsday and Superman
Here I lay,
On the ground,
Dead.

i will never go to virginia.
because in my mind it loves me
and i love virginia.

and ive never been
and ill never go.

green on the eyes,
warm on the flesh.
how could i burden such a place
with my expectations
my preconceived notions
with no preconception.

i know nothing about virginia
it can be anything i want it to.
beauty incarnated in a long narrow field
empty as hell below.
a blank cheque just waiting for me to fall in love.
i wont let it fool me.