Far from Me, far from Sea
  Gone from Pain, gone from Gain
   Close to Smoke, close to a Choke
     Coming to High, coming with a
       Solemn Sigh.
       Beyond Trying
       Beyond Everything
       But most of all I'm
       Beyond Trying Everything

Sometimes there
Just isn’t a pill
It’s just the will
Of a grey day

Go away ugly coat weather
Hide under my bed
Come out when we need you
But just not today

Twirl in my PJs
Because that’s what I need
I crave more sleep
So down my head I lay

Maybe tomorrow
Maybe not even then
I’ll deal with it when i need to
Then I can pick up my pen

I am eighteen years old.
That doesn't seem like a lot,
But to me,
It is everything.

Eighteen years is all I've ever known.
Even if I died tomorrow,
Still eighteen.
While that might not seem like much to you.
You are probably not eighteen.

Despite my age,
I have been through a lot.
Some say more than most,
Even then those who are older.

At eight years old I lost my dad.
At eleven years old I lost my mom.
At eighteen years old,
I've learned to be okay with that.

Between eleven and thirteen I was abused.
I eventually escaped and was safe again.
At eighteen years old I am still in fear of this sometimes,
But I am working on that.

At seventeen years old I applied for college.
I was accepted and excited to go.
At eighteen years old I dropped out.
All of the anxiety and illnesses became too much,
But I am working on that.

For eighteen years I've dealt with mental illness.
Currently being called Bipolar,
Manic and depressive episodes are common,
But I am working on that.

In the past eighteen years,
I've learned new things.
I've learned who to trust,
And who to believe.
However,
I am still working on the difference between them.

In eighteen years I've learned to let go.
Toxic or not.
Family or not.
Just letting grudges be free.
I'm still working on that.

In eighteen years I've learned skills.
With the musicals I've been in.
With my writing continuing.
Even better at communicating now.

But yet I am eighteen.
With time hopefully left,
Leaving room to gain new experiences,
Because eighteen isn't a lot.

But I do thank eighteen.
For all that it has taught me.
From being confident,
To being reassured,
And everything in between.

Because I am almost nineteen.
And nineteen is a lot.

i want to give you everything and
much more

our pasts were such a bore

let's become one...










let's have some some fun

I slipped and fell from reality
Going down, I saw the silhouette
of myself waving back from the cliff of reality
getting smaller and smaller

My fall carved the air
with a bundle of chaos
dense with fear
and weightlessness at the same time

I am lost
between letting go and wanting to go
everybody goes at some point anyway  
between waving goodbye to what's better
and saying hello to what's bad
between loving to love, and loving being loved
or both,
I am lost between loneliness and aloneness
between confidence and bitchiness
between opening my heart and keeping it
and giving it to you, naked, want it?
between sobriety, and faking it
I am scared of changing and I am attracted to change
of walking away, when walking is my favorite hobby
I fear losing something, when there was nothing to begin with
I am addicted to turmoil, I lather my skin with recklessness
I inject my veins with the soothe intoxicating taste
instability
I question my lust for instability for chaos
for heartbreak and heart-mend
for unreciprocated love, for ... everything that doesn't make sense
I question my fabrication of a future, before I even say hi.

I am confidence wrapped in anxiety, that wears me like a gala dress
hugging my curves, with self-doubt
I am fake, a hypnotized being, programmed to smile
to blend, to speak less, to love less, love like that,
to compare, to compete
I am tired