And I thought I was getting better

      but then I woke up on the tile

the water had lost its heat and the burn had moved to my throat

I dreamt I looked in the mirror
I could see my backbones & I was so
happy
but a kind of sad happiness
because there's no true happiness
inside my
bare bones
but I felt alive
when I was actually
dying
and I feel like I could jump to the stars
and glow in the dark
but I couldn't barely crawl on my knees
I am so weak
Oh I'm so sorry
i can see those bones again
but now they're buried
six feet under
my skin
but they want to crawl back
with me
and I can't say no to them
I can't say no to myself
I can't say no
to these urges
in order to be able
to see what's underneath
my skin
I'm so sorry
I'm really sorry
but I can't say no
not yet.

He was 16 Trying to be
The perfect guy
Trying to make
Someone understand
How addicted he was
To self destruction
To sadness to the feeling
Of a cold blade
Of an empty stomach
There was nothing
He could say
He could only
Sit in his room
And dream about dying

you offered me food and
got angry at me for declining
and you thought you were
helping by forcing me to
eat in public places and
laughing when i couldn't
and you thought you were
a riot when you were
making hundreds of
weight jokes but truth
be told i was never worse
than when i endured the
months of torture i did
when i called myself
*yours

the mirror that whispers,
the mirror that shouts,
words of hate
and torture
and spout.
the lies it speaks
are of disgust.
the thoughts it creates
turns 'should stop eating'
to a 'must'.
the mirrors lies are tempting
to try,
but a forewarning ;
the lies will control you,
and they will eat you alive.

I came face to face with God
His breath stunk with alcohol
He just kept staring at his hands
And apologizing.
Volcanoes erupted
Every time he cleared his throat.
I didn't ask
Why
I just stared.
He never met my eye
And that's when
I knew
There are
mountains
Even He can't move.

I remember things that most people don't.
I remember small flowers that I love.
I remember what songs I listen to with certain people.
I remember playing hide and seek with my cousins in a field.
I remember a compliment from a six year old.
I also remember turning down food over and over and over.
I remember stretching again and again.
I remember getting smaller and smaller.
I remember the night my dad told me that I was going to eat protein powder or two pieces of butter toast and I almost started
crying.
I remember my sister asking me if I starved myself and I said no.
I remember my music getting sadder
I remember closing off.
I remember trying to please people.
That's all I live for anymore..
I live for other people.

We could never agree on music.
You didn't like acoustic piece,
I said they were quiet, like me.
"Is it still a song if there are no words?"

You talked about traveling,
I told you about the Dead Sea.
Our fingers locked
And you turned a key inside my chest.
Is it still "just friends" if I can still feel
Shadows of your mouth on mine?

Christmas came early when
You smiled at me.
Winter was a blur.
We spent days at the park,
Admiring Mother Nature's new look.
Is it still death if it's so beautiful?

The rain clouds outside my window
Gravitated into my brain.
I strived for perfection
And you supported me.
"Just five more pounds",
You would remind me.
Is it still a disorder if you're helping me?

I carved your name
Out of my favourite memories.
I swallowed shards of glass
And ate three meals a day.
It is really recovery if it's so bitter?

The TV screamed
"Love yourself"
My parents screamed
"Love yourself"
I couldn't get the words
Past my grinding teeth.
Is it still love if there is no confession?

I remembered
All I allowed you to do.
I recalled
Everything I pretended to ignore.
Is it really letting go if I only forgive myself?

It can be a song without words
Just like how love can exist without the
Confession.
Death isn't my friend
And neither are you.
I am more than you can see.
I am enough.
And I have finally forgiven myself.

i wonder if it's true that people fall in love in the weirdest ways

because i have imagined you falling in love with me too many ways to count

and each one has a different story and a different scenario

none of which will ever happen

but i keep imagining it because i know how much i could love you

and i know how perfect we could be if you would just follow my script

but then i think about how real love doesn't have to be forced

it just happens

so maybe one day you'll see me and you'll realize

that no one will ever be more perfect for you then me

and then maybe i'll believe that love happens every day

rather than just in the stories and poems i write about you