#eatingdisorder poems on Hello Poetry

Belle Jul 2018

I want to hide.
I want to isolate.
I want to leave.
Because this was a mistake that I can't easily get out of.
I see myself and all i see is a disappointment.
A sad, fat, shameful disappointment.
I hate myself so much and I am so afraid because now I'm eating everyday and I can hardly stand my body.
I look in the full length mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I used to be so much smaller.
I want to cry.
What am I without my eating disorder?
A shell of a boring, annoying person.
Not special.
Not unique.
Just, Belle.
I pretend like I'm okay,
but I'm not.
Belle is useless and can't think of anything else except for when to leave and can go back to behaviors again.
I am absolutely horrible. Seven times in residential treatment and nothing has helped.
Why am I still trying?
Maybe when I leave this time the eating disorder will **** me.
Cause after this, I don't have any more opportunities.
I am untreatable, unlovable, and unseen.
I act like the perfect patient, because the more I do that-- the quicker I get out of here.
"I cant wait until I starve myself again"
Constantly repeats in my brain.
i am tired.
i am in ******* pain.
i am crumbling
i am not okay
but i am happy.
My eating disorder gives me more happiness than anyone ever has.
I am my eating disorder.
I just wish I could shrink
I just wish I could have that control
I just wish I could make nobody know about this.
I am surrounded by people who support me,
but I want none of it.
Yet I wonder why I feel lonely.
I am worthless, I am a willful brat.
Even when I am pushing so hard, I'm still just as pointless.
My family can't wait until I get better.
I can't wait until I get worse.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to recover, but I can't. I'm too hyper focused on being thin that nothing else matters.
Nothing will ever matter.
Not anymore.

#eatingdisorder #depression #sadness #sad #ed #depressed #bulimia #anorexia

Joy Jul 2018

Sirens

The siren.
Inviting,
Promising.
Ensuring happiness.
Guaranteeing joy.
Not until she traps you do you wish escape.
Not from what she promised, but from the pain she brought you.
But you've made a home for yourself here.
You've gotten comfortable in the habits she's given you.
But every time she comes to visit, something in your gut screams at you to escape.
No, literally. Your gut. Your stomach. Your intestines.
Your entire body becomes exhausted from chasing her promises.
Now, you've forgotten who you were before she trapped you.
You try and try for what feels like years to escape.
And finally you succeed.
You've successfully escaped the place you call home.
After time and time of being lured back to home, I've come to learn this sirens name.
She is what she does to people. To me.
Forces me to control what I eat.
Makes me second guess myself.
Track everything I eat and drink.
Make me guilty for eating something she doesn't like.
I won't bore you with more boringly grim details, just know,
She has sisters.
Please, don't make the mistake of trusting their promises.

#selfharm #suicide #sadness #sad #depression #eatingdisorder #starving #anorexia #bulemia

Moni Jul 2018

"Perfect"

Pretty, skinny. perfect,
Everything I want to be.
Well, I mean on the outside at least.

You post pictures of your "great" feast,
But I know it was a binge.

You appear so perfect and normal,
But you shed that skin
As you become out of sight.

Anxiety, mental break downs,
And I don't even know what.

You don't try to hide it,
Yet you somehow don't let it show.
At least to those who you don't know.

I understand so much,
Yet I don't at the same time.

You are so skinny,
Yet you don't eat and call yourself fat.
I understand hating yourself so much,
You make yourself suffer.
I understand it is your only need to cope.
Yet I don't understand
How someone has never been fat like me
Is taught and told to hate herself.

I want the best for you,
But I still don't know how bad it got.

I just can't stand to see you look perfect,
While no one sees your pain, fear, or guilt.

If you're reading this, im sorry. you deserve better than any of what you're going through

#suffering #perfect #perfection #eatingdisorder #mentalillness #mental #anxiety #depression

Moni Jul 2018

I don’t have a title

When calories become evil,
When diets become starvation,
When 90 pounds becomes fat,
When the scale becomes a shrine,
When life doesn’t feel worth living,
When 3 hours of exercise becomes normal,
Someone starts dying

#eatingdisorder #awareness

Eva Tongali Jul 2018

Broken Record

I started skipping meals again,
It’s honestly not a big deal.
Because just when someone notices,
They tell you how to feel.
I want someone to love me,
I need to feel that fire.
But all I’ve ever really known is how to be desired.
Because if they don’t like you,
There must be something wrong.
So here I am, replaying and repeating, the exact same song.
Because if someone likes what they see,
They are more likely to try it.
But I don’t want to be tried anymore,
For God’s sakes just buy it.
Because I’m not a cheap tester perfume with the paper thrown away,
And I’ve been treated like that almost everyday.
I started skipping meals again so I could be ideal,
I wanted to be seen as special,
I’m just trying to heal.
But maybe I don’t want to be seen anymore,
I can’t deal with anymore eyes.
So now I listen to this broken record,
Telling me societies lies.
I am beautiful and I can be happy,
No matter what they say.
You can always buy a new record,
Just as tomorrow is a new day.

this is inspired by what i think most girls, including me, go through.

#society #girls #eatingdisorder #selflove

Ellie Grace Jul 2018

Dear Edith

Beautiful girl
You are worthy of more than
This disease will ever give you
So very deserving of a life filled with happiness
And hope and joy
All things anorexia is hell bent on depriving you of
You have an identity outside this disorder
Goals and aspirations that are meant to be achieved
A voice that was not meant to be silenced
Never doubt the strength you possess inside
Courage and bravery that cannot be measured

This disorder has taken away too many years
But you are fighting a war that can be won
Even on your darkest days
When the thoughts are too loud
And it feels easier to go back to the familiar comfort of old behaviours
Know that the past is not a place you want to be stuck in
You can break free from this destructive cycle

Recovery is hard
Believe me I know
But it is time you started to heal
God knows you deserve to heal
To learn how to love yourself from the inside out
To be at peace with your body
And grow into the beautiful young woman you are meant to become

#anorexia #mentalillness #friend #eatingdisorder #heal #hope #future

Laura Jul 2018

Bulimic Babe

Some people don't realize how much you cry when you throw up
How much you shake
How much your nose runs

Nobody likes to throw up
You feel like a ******* kid
With snot and bile dripping everywhere over the toilet
And your hands clenched to the bowl
Desperate for it to hold you back
And tell you you'll be alright

But I do it every day
Every ******* day
Because I can't afford
A lifetime on the hips

So I find my place on the floor
The place where I spread my towel
In order to make the cold, hard ground
Just a little more forgiving
I have toilet paper ready to wipe my mouth and nose
Because **** gets messy after the first retch of regret

But once it's all over,
You can't just tell people,
"I threw up everything I ate today."
You have to keep going
Like nothing ******* happened
Because otherwise they flock over you
And don't let you do it anymore

#selfcare #bulimia #food #selflove #eatingdisorder #mentalhealth #mentalillness #awareness

Swells Jul 2018

daisies

the bones were hard to give up,
they pushed out like daisies
caressed under the hounding
heart of a copper sun.
unbridled and undried they bore
zealous arrogance of themselves,
petals dripping ****** convictions
and vibrating like awful angels.

under cruel devices they tried to
soften my bones and mold thick skull
constructed of lackluster candles
on their last flame.
days passed like doctors and white nurses
examining old wires that pray tell
the routines, the stools, the teeth.
i am their Jesus, their Lazarus.

my hearse, my sheep keeper,
my pretty things,
i become the acrobat at the
finale, the last supper,
supplementing at the **** of my
recovery. i lay my skin down for all
of you to see: here is my breast!
my toad belly! my glass feet!

#recovery #eatingdisorder #ed #hardships #strength

Alaina Moore Jul 2018

Curse of the Status Quo

So I just did some math.
This week,
according to the numbers,
I've consumed on average
375 calories a day.
Call it 500.
I have no appetite;
I'm stressed;
It's hot;
I'm ill.
This relapse is
not like the ones I know.
It's so subconscious
I'm drowning
trying to fix it.
I tremble as I write this.
I don't know how I get through the day.
But I do know,
there is a mountain
of responsibilities
that I must manage
regardless.
I can't just over medicate
and play games
when I'm stressed.
I can't rest when I'm sick.
I must bare it all,
for both of us.
I'm being crushed
by this mountain.

Honestly don't know if this poem makes sense.

#marriage #eatingdisorder #fibromyalgia #weakandpowerless #2018

Laura Jul 2018

Time to Eat

Bun o'clock
I'm hungry but I don't say anything
Because I can hold on longer

Chew pm
Someone says I look thin
Have I lost weight??

Three pounds
Potentially three pounds
But I don't know because I always think I look bloated

Four ice cubes to tie me over
I don't need to eat
I'm okay

Five fat shaming *******
Stroll past me in their skinny jeans
Reminding me who deserves to be a size 0

Tricks o' the mind
Start to play
As I tell myself I don't need to eat because I did yesterday

Age seven is when
Mama first told me to stretch my shirts
Hide my figure
Watch what I eat
Stop taking second helpings
No dessert

Eight
Looks like a couple of donuts.
Muffins. Pizzas.
Any round food.
My round stomach.

Nibble pm.
It's okay to eat a little? Maybe?

Ten pm?
Or ten candy bars?

Eleven hours later
Nothing in my belly
But four ice cubes

Twelve: time to taunt my taste buds
Trick myself
Tell myself that I'll eat tomorrow
Tomorrow will be the day
The day I really splurge
Everyone knows that's a lie
But my tummy doesn't

#eatingdisorder #bulimia #food #hunger #fat #fatshaming #schedule #mentalhealth #starve #illness