I remember sitting down on the bus
As it pulls out to leave the stop
You wave at me through the window
With a misty look in your eyes
As though you regret this, us
I tuck my hair behind my ear sheepishly
Lips still tasting of your sweet lust
I can still remember how you softly yet firmly pushed yours onto mine
My neck, burning at the red marks
That you placed there as a sign of dominance over me
I was always yours
But you was never mine

She is a breeze,
gently wafts in,
in the fiery climes
she quickly transforms,
arousal of passion
makes her
a whirlwind fierce,
her spirited twists and turns
were beyond prediction
her predilection
to dominate becomes
so insistent
she turned to a twister
had an unrestricted run
the giant redwood
was uprooted in no time

Time passes, as time does
we text about this and that
inconsequential things
life and other chit chat

Then I confess I miss you
you say you miss me too
your virtual return is immanent
can we pick up once more
from where you left?
you ask me to please, please say yes
how can I refuse?
that's not something I can do
not when the one who asks is you

Yet something in me has changed
my inner subby needs to emerge
the one who made that clear
stands in the wings, cajoling
and when your return is delayed, I succumb

Then, when you arrive it's no contest
I'm yours, there's no doubt
you offer me your Dominance too
that's something you feel you can do
it'll suit you better than subbing
I have doubts this is the best path for you
at least, until you've learned to let go
but I can't be the hand to guide you
at least not now,
not at this point of my own journey

And though I know you can't really be mine
still my need for you outweighs all these things
only with you can my heart have wings
and I accept on these terms
I'd accept on any terms at all
because life without you is unthinkable

We build castles that are too large or too small
we build pubs and houses that aren't castles at all
then you find one the right size
with rooms to explore
I furnish it when you're not there
hang art on the walls and more

Though I call you 'Mistress'
we carry on as before
until the day when suddenly
that word means more

Out of the blue my kiss is refused
no explanation, no warning
the rules have changed
I'm hurt and confused
the pain goes deep
and I'm rebuked
I blink back the tears and slowly adjust
this isn't unwelcome, just too sudden
but we get through
then both surrender to lust

That night the emotions flood
as do the tears
something beyond sub drop seizes me
there's the fear that from now on
the protocol will rule
that spontaneity is gone
that the ease of communication is broken
that too much will now remain unspoken
the initial hurt of your rejection
of my kiss returns
deep down inside it burns

I have to explain
that a gradual path
would have caused less pain
that negotiation and consent
are needed at each step
but you hear criticism and ingratitude
that I'm rejecting your gift
when what I wanted all along
was to build something that was ours
not to have another's form of control
adopted and replicated by you
that it was always about loving you for you
not so much about needing you
to be a particular way
but you're not hearing
and you say we won't try that again
it turns out to have been the last time
we made even virtual love

Once again the gaps grow
the distances expand
your appearances are further apart
I feel the need to say something
to tell you I feel I'm expected
to give out more and more
while getting less and less in return
that something needs to change

But when I see you next
you steal those very words from my mouth
and turn them against your other half
who constantly asks more from you
but offers less to meet your needs
(those same needs I'd give anything,
have already given so much, to meet)

But I bite my tongue
reflect on the irony
and offer you more
offer you sympathy
try to make it better
because I love you

After that, things move faster
her body clock is ticking down
she needs to feel new life grow within
but this is a step beyond for you
not a thing you're ready for
you move out yet it's several days
before you tell me this

I'm hurt again that you didn't
immediately turn to me
yet this is the seed of realisation
that we won't ever be
though the seed doesn't yet take root
for a while yet, hope remains

Then you say you're broken
you stand at the crossroads
say you know which way to turn
say you know your relationship
isn't right and must end

I weep for your pain
yet am filled with hope
that soon it'll be resolved
that at last I'll hold you
and call you mine

Later I learn that even as you tell me this
you tell another that you know you must return
yet are tempted by the attention of another
I wonder if this temptress
is chocolate valentine Argus woman
or yet another so far unmentioned

When next we talk
you have returned to her
yet have made your position clear
by staying out all night
and my heart sinks
it matters not who or what
entertained or sustained you
through that night
but that once again
you hadn't turned to me

I try to make these feelings known
we argue
and neither of us
can do this
any more...

Once upon a time, in a place called Venustus
a raw newb caught my eye
I wonder what it was about her
that made me want to try

The quiet one
kneeling on the rug
playing with her Pegs
quite unlike the others
less submissive,
yet somehow more so
in ways that I couldn't see at the time

She chides me for my lack of attention
shouldn't it be the other way round?
should she not be the one attending to me?
yet somehow I can't make that demand
can't bring myself to issue the command
can't take the risk she'll call my bluff
begin to realise I can't get enough

I begin to doubt my Dominance
as we get closer there's something else
Incredible as it seems,
I feel her body close to mine
her warmth come through
and then she asks
"do you feel it too?"

And I do feel it
I feel you beside me, within me
I feel that for us
it has always been this way
that I've always known you
and you feel that way too

Then everything became simple
and yet more complicated
Now I had no choice
but to face myself
to admit the thing I'd tried to hide
because love demands honesty
to be honest with you
I had to be honest with me

Even though I had no doubt
still I needed space to work it out
a week or two should be enough
the next three months were really tough

Cynthia Pauline Jones, March 2013