The smile, the beauty, the style
Disappeared within life's mile
Your talks, your walks, your moods
Vanished like a deer in deep dark woods
You changed,
How you changed?
There are no feelings to exchange,
How strange!
Now you stay out of range,
One moment you are within my reach,
The other moment you are out-of-reach,
I feel the stone cold stigma in you,
But you have denied my view,
I saw you talking to yourself,
Which I thought was normal for oneself,
Little did I care then, that you were two within one,
A hard fact to understand and overcome,
Was of a personality disorder syndrome,
Of what one could say of schizophrenic state,
How could I understand this so late,
You are no longer same for me,
Neither you want me around nor see,
Doctor's have done their best,
Is this my life's real test?
It's ok to walk away from me strangely,
But I will not give up easily,
There are chances you will be fine,
I will not abandon you cause you are MINE!


©sim

A slab a meat
Three spoonfuls of rice
A pile of beans
Yeah that sounds alright
A healthy meal
Upon my plate
That was the last time
I truly ate
After that meal
I looked in the mirror
And on that day
It couldn’t be clearer
I wanted to be skinny
I wanted to be thin
And this is when
My anorexia journey begins
The next day
At the table
I said I wasn’t hungry
My mom said you have to eat
Or your gonna be weak
And my joke wasn’t funny
But what she didn’t understand
Was that it wasn’t a joke
My stomach is rumbling
But my mind says nope
And I’m not trying
To grab for the rope
Just one bite
Seems too much
Maybe a sip of water
Will be enough
I don’t want to be fat
I want to be pretty
And the only way I can do that
Is to be skinny

I am under the microscope
I put myself here
I didn't know
How far it would go
Years in, and I am slowly dissected
Habits up for scrutiny
Emotions analyzed
Demeanor reviewed
Constantly screened
For any hint of disorder
Perhaps I am lucky
That help is at my finger tips
But it feels like a curse
When sickness is your soul
And it lives on through treatment
Through love
Through the microscope

hollow inside
lucid body
lost
confused

goals emerge to
ensure fulfillment
relieve pain
ease anxiety

the sounds of mitigated speech
consumes you until you lose control of yourself.

I wish I knew
I wish I could figure out
at what point did I lose my mind?

It's on the bottle,
On the lit cigarette,
The ***** sheets
And sweaty bodies
That are tangled
Within the emotional
Textiles and figures
That dance on the walls
With each passing car.

It's the cats piano
And the manic that follows.
It's the mouth that opens
And the sound that lingers.

The terms and conditions
Which form when entering into
A loft that isn't yours,
But someone else's.

It's chocolates and cigarettes,
Whiskey and
Of course
A solo sunrise.

Before the illness descended on my brain
I never felt particularly insane

Eating disorders are not all about wanting to be thin
The pain is much deeper and emerges from within

Your self concept is shattered.

I don't think others understand
What it takes to recover, to escape quicksand.

Eating disorder thoughts are rotten and cruel
They convince you that you are a complete fool

They spit negativity into your head
You believe your thoughts, tears are shed.

Your appearance in the mirror you continue to hate
Vile thoughts continue to berate

Try living with that constant dread
Like walking around with a boulder on your head

At some points wishing you'd be better off

...

Recovery.

Congrats! You've gained weight!
Your physical health has returned, look at that heart rate.

But I gained more than I wanted to gain.
My mind is spinning, the thoughts are insane.

My mind is battling a war each day.
As I try to go to school, be a human, be okay.

The strength and will to do that is intense.
To live with your mind continually on a fence.

To have restriction sit in the back of your mind.
As you try to keep up with school and not get behind.

It is not a choice.
The voice.
Is not a choice.

But recovery is.

To try to live how I want to live.

If you come across someone battling this fight
Commend them on their courage and might.

Be their support.
Even though you may not understand.
Lend a listening ear or a helping hand.

Be the difference in their day.
Help stop their thought spiral, remind them they're okay

Anything you say
Makes a difference.
Acceptance
Love
Care
Makes a difference

Love and care will fuel their fight
To know their thoughts are not right.

Fragile keep silent as we all can see
Truth there are no words to be spoken of
And the able speak loud and will strive to be
They continue on and still yearn to love

Then the silent reap not of one
More tear
Only to give in on their dark set hour
While the able cling to gray skies of fear
Upon which they shed another tearful shower

Then the silent no longer walk this land
Truth they have gone to a far away place
While the able see upon the fear and stand
With a heartfelt tear falling down their face

So it becomes that all shall understand
Fragile are gone and the strong forever stand