A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?

i look at myself in that long, ***** mirror --
the lighting is bad and i look ghost-like
in the shadows of the room

i lift up my oversized t-shirt
and my eyes fall to the blunt cuts
that grace my soft skin

i try not to do this too often
but lately it has become much too hard
to ignore for long

the blade that rests in my sweaty palm
feels like a million pounds
as i bring it to my stomach

It’s always a battle with you
I try to stand up, and you’re always there to kick me down again
You beat me down and I just lie there and take it
A right swing to my body image, an uppercut to my confidence

I’m never allowed to be happy
And God forbid I feel beautiful for once
You make me out to be this obnoxious person that nobody can stand
But I don’t see you with any friends, and no one’s coming to your defense

You tell me that I annoy all my friends and they’ll all betray me
Yet you never fail to be first in line for taking a swing at me
Always whispering in my ear and telling me that nobody has ever really liked me
But you have always been the first to bash me for being who I am

Maybe I’m really not all that bad
Maybe I’m really ******* fantastic
And maybe you’re just scared that I’ll figure it out and you’ll be forgotten
Because you’re nothing but an irrelevant voice constantly fighting to keep itself heard

You are the voice of my anxiety
You exist because I do
And without me, you are nothing
But without you, I can be happy

I am all you have
I give your voice life and I give it meaning
You are nothing but what I allow you to be
You say I’m nothing, but you are nothing without me

Love is a mental disorder
Your mind plays like a tape recorder
Playing your love’s face back to back
Your heart and mind are no more black
People think you’ve gone crazy
Everywhere you look you see daisies
Your world is now far from ******
Cause now you’ve got a big reason to be happy

Yes,you are in love
Your heart is flying like a dove
You feel so lucky
You feel so fluffy
Cause falling in love is the best feeling
The sensation is appealing

Behind that laughter (it's a facade)
and my clean
unbroken arms,

I hide my deepest secret
from the world.

No one feels the blade
as it tears across my belly,
besides me.

(I can't help but smile)
I know that no one knows
and that's how it should be,
because to them,
it doesn't exist.

And it shouldn't.




But it does.

It started when I was twelve
A new place, a new school
When I couldn't quite understand myself
Not the best place to lose my school

It started when I was in class
When the teacher called me innocently
My heart started beating too loud, too fast
And then I felt all heads and eyes on me

It started when I was fourteen
The year when I was invited to a dance
But all I could hear were the haunting taunts, so mean
That's why I stayed home in a trance

It started when he asked me out
By this guy I liked, out of the blue
When I tried to answer, I couldn't open my mouth
Red-faced, I ran like an animal escaping the zoo

It started when I was sixteen
And I was graduating top of the class
But giving a speech, I wasn't too keen
Felt a bottomless pit on my stomach so vast

It started when I was an adult
Found myself not getting any employment
I just know that all of this is my fault
Cause it feels like some kind of punishment

I know how it all started
But I only have so much left to bend
I feel like I am being deserted
I just wanna know when this will end

Mascara coats my face
I can’t move
I can’t think
My whole body is exhausted
I’m dehydrated
Shaking
My phone covered in salt and makeup
Tissues... everywhere.

I felt again.
Panic set in
I wanted to crawl out of my skin
I couldn’t breathe
Guilt flooded my mind
Self loathing skyrocketed

Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

Today I awoke
And I could feel the tablet
I took last night
They promised I wouldn’t
But how could I not?
It’s stolen my most faithful companion
The buzzing anxiety in my gut
Replaced it with a cold calm
That I can’t tell if I like
Because I loved the fire
I used to hold inside
But it was burning me
It was out of control
So it had to be
Extinguished