what disgust
and horror
that i should call you queer

and as if this
was an imperfection
yes a delusion
that plagues till this day
the youth of men

men who call you ***
men who call you *****
men who call you up for ***

and yet they cannot
face their tears
that side of fear
that keeps them strong

who keeps you there
why are you thinking of me?
your attraction for me
keeps you reeling
keeps you falling
keeps you trapped
in this place you call safe

i called you queer
but you called me ***

as if one is better than the other

it still remains

you are the one
burning in fear

I want to drift lightly above the earth
carrying sunshine on my wings
Horizon eyes, ablaze with good
showering laughter that sings

Seeking purposeful destination
always wilting when encaged
Never a mind more colorful
always brilliant, never strange

Mysteriously I’ll fly untethered
at times entirely against the wind
Your heart would flutter if ever you saw me
and not beat until you glimpsed me again

Full of riches,
Full of hearts.
Trust:  a commodity
So easily traded
For what was never promised.
A kiss like death,
A millstone carried
For no reward but
My own
Self-destructive
Satisfaction.
How deliciously
I cut and seared
My own flesh,
Savoring
Each flaying stroke.
How beautifully
My body twisted
To fit the tale
I wished were true.
Wounds still fresh
From the biting needle
That tattooed the lie
On my desperate
Wanting soul.

Have you ever wanted to escape to a place where no one can see you?
Maybe you tried imagining the place by yourself.
The innocent little dreams turned into maladaptive daydreaming.
And suddenly, you're sentenced to being mentally ill

The imaginary world begines to grow,
Consuming you more and more.
Soon, you can't see the difference between the real world and the one
You made up.

You slip into derealization
It drowns you while giving you short breaks for air
To let you stay alive
While still hurting

I wish I could know you longer.
Talking to you,
I open up so much more
Of what I had hidden.
I can never wait
To talk with you again.

I know I've told you a lot,
But I love how simple you are.
I love your enthusiasm
And how cute you can be.
Sometimes you can be awkward,
And quiet,
And we end up sitting in silence,
But I love those moments too.

I love how cool
And accepting you are.
I love the worry
On your face when you
Think about how long I'll be gone.
I wonder what face you'll make
When you think of how long
It'd have taken me to come back.

Though, I think I hate you.
I've spent so long-
So much time-
So many years-
So many months-
So many seasons-
Just avoiding feeling.

I hate you.
You come along and it feels like
I'd be betraying myself,
And you,
If I told you a lie.
I feel so sick with myself.
Pouring my thoughts,
And my feelings,
Into this letter I call a poem
Just to make writing this feel
More natural.

I hate you.
You make me feel so ****
Selfish.
You make me feel so strangely
Sleepy.
You make me feel so much
Fear.
I fear that you'll become important to me.
I fear that I'm already important to you.
I fear that while I'm gone,
I'll lose you.
I don't know what to.
Maybe to yourself.
God, I hope it isn't to yourself
I feel so sick.

I wish I could know you longer.
Talking to you,
I don't think I want to stop.
This is so new.
Even now,
I want to hear you again.

I want to disassociate again.
I want to take every tie I have
And set it all on fire.
I want to gather its ashes
And I want to burn them all over again.
I want to see my own blood
Flow from my hand
To my wrist
To my elbow
To the floor?
Why?

Why am I like this?
Why does it all go away
When I'm with you?
I hate this so ******* much.
I should stop.
I don't want to feel anything anymore.
I want you to forget about me.
I don't want you to hate me.
I don't want to forget you.
I don't want to hate you.
I don't hate you.
I swear I don't, so please just-
Ok. I've decided

I don't know what this is,
But I know what I think this is.
After so much time of nothing
It's all it can be.
After so much time
If keeping everything quiet,
I can finally talk,
But this is the one thing I can't say.
I can't even write it out.
How ridiculous is that?

At the beginning of this,
I made a wish.
Recently,
You shared that same wish with me.
I wonder how long that'll last.
I've already lost someone.
I learned that
Someone I loved is gone,
And I wanted it all to end just then, but
That's not how it ends.
It will never be over, and
More will surely follow.
How long will this fear follow me?

I'm so sorry.
Knowing you, you'll probably
Feel responsible for all this
And worry about me,
And worry about all these other thoughts
That I fail to put into words.
I don't deserve it
But I feel like you don't care about that.

I'm sorry.
I feel so awful writing this,
But I'm going to wait.
I'm going to wait all that time
And every chance I'll get,
I'll come find you.
I'll find you and we'll talk
And talk
And talk
And talk
Until I have to leave again.

One day, I won't have to leave.
One day, I hope you'll let me stay.
One day, I'll become afraid.
Afraid all over again,
And I'll try to push you away.
I'll try to run so far away-
So far away that
My feelings will never reach you.
So far away that
Yours will never reach me.

Please stop me.
I know it's selfish
But please don't let me run.
I've felt so little
For so long.
I like feeling.
And still, right now, sitting here,
Writing about someone
That’s important to me,
Though contradictory
To the usual dictation of time,
I hope I’m smiling-
And I hope that reading this,
You are too.

just want someone
to be lowkey with...