So how many thoughts can one have

all at once?

All at once

my eyes close

and my mind drifts

to open shores


Fly!

My beautiful daughter

Fly!

Till the end of the day


For if time comes

and you receive thy chain

free to fly never again you shall be.


Pardon my view but I have lived through too many

and know nothing new.

My ladies are not lost
They tarry a while
Loaded down with disturbance and hurt
With loneliness and fear
Yet she is gentle, as the dew at dawn
As the breast of the thrush
And she is true like the sycamore
She has pain that tears at her soul
That bruises her very heart
She has deep sadness
That swallows her down and steals her hope
But all is not gone
Is not out of reach
A day is coming
A day of new beginnings
A new world
With a new sun
That will light the path to the real life
She will cleanse her tired feet in the moist green meadow
And dance among a flame of tulips
A garland of daisies will be strung upon her pale neck
She will kiss the fallow deer
And frolic with the little ape
Her sadness will be wiped clean by the streams of joy
That will flow endlessly from the mountain
Trees will bow to her with offerings of colour
All flowers and tastes will excite her endlessly
White topped mountains will be her candles
Lit by the glorious light of a new dawn
Love will overwhelm her
And take her by the hand
For she has been told
Her eye will behold
Sights that she has never beheld
Sounds that she has not heard
Her mother's voice singing a lullabye
The face of her grandmother's mother
The sweet echo of pure silence
Her little ones will flourish, free of their scars
And she will taste motherhood for the first time
With all the rich meaning that it brings
And she will greet her lost ones, stolen by death
There will be no trembling or hiding
No sting of creature, or death
She will not need to hope
For all her hopes will be fulfilled
All malice and breakdown of spirit will be lifted from her gentle heart
That it might be soft and true again
As her beauty
She will never be lost again
Never know mourning again
She will forever know peace
As a green forest that sways in a gentle breeze
That whispers to her
Words of love, of comfort and rest  
For a daystar will rise in her heart
And she will be saved
She will be whole
For she has bowed to a righteous king
And he has promised my loves, my ladies
They will be there, on that cleansed earth
When that kingdom arrives
The kingdom of love and healing

There I was, sound asleep in my bed.
Memories of my wife and I
Danced in my head.
All of a sudden,
I woke up to a chill in the air
And I couldn't help feel
Like someone was there.
As I laid back down,
I heard a knock at the door.
I looked at the clock
And it was half past four (a.m.)
"Who could that be?"
I put on my robe,
And as I crept down the hall,
I checked in on my daughter.
"Wow. She's not even five
And she's already so tall."
The stranger knocked again,
So I hurried my pace.
I was about to scream,
But then I saw his face.
It was snow.
I was so angry, I couldn't speak.
All I could do was glare.
Finally, I said "what do you think you're doing, standing there?"
"Hey! I just wanted to let you know
I was back in town."
He was wearing a smile
But when he saw I was mad,
He replaced it with a frown.
"What's wrong?
Aren't you happy to see me?"
I scoffed. "Happy? To see you?
You killed my wife!
Last year, she was driving home.
That night, you covered her windshield and she got into an accident because she couldn't see.
Snow was horrified.
He looked me in the eye,
Said "I'm so sorry,"
And as he walked away,
He started to cry.
Just then, my daughter snuck out.
"Snow! Don't go!" I heard her shout.
I couldn't believe it, but she hugged him. I knelt down beside her and asked "if you know who this man is, why are you happy to see him?"
She said "because even though it's sad she's not here, snow was the thing mommy looked forward to the most every year."
After a moment, I knew what I needed to do.
"Snow, I will never forget what you did or the pain you put me through.
But in honor of my wife and daughter,
I forgive you.

I remember an old man, wheelchair bound
His body crudely sewn together
with bolts and screws.

You see,
his bones wouldn't stop growing
and breaking within his tiny, feeble frame.

He offered me a metal plate from his shoulder
after his next surgery; I pictured ****** flesh in Ziploc
But alas, I never saw him again.

On the visiting ward of the hospital
I ask my mother one day how someone so blithe, despite their condition
could end up in a place such as this.

She said depression doesn't discriminate;
The constant nagging, piercing pain he lived with daily
was enough reason to search for an end to it all.

My mother was right: depression stealthily maneuvers
its great tentacles, its black, feathered extremities
across the minds of the unknowing, the unsuspecting, and the undeserving.  

It is a black sludge sickness, spreading from generation to generation
And somewhere along that genetic timeline, her and I,
cursed.

Sitting across from her at scheduled visiting hour
I am reminded how our roles were reversed here
just years earlier.

They say time stops for nobody,
neither does this beast.

I
smile when
she says she
loves me simply
because that is what
all mothers do. She nods,
indulgent, when I explain
that blood running in our veins like
a river and its tributary
can’t fathom the depth of her ocean heart
Her kindness, her patience, her forgiveness,
her pride and joy, her laughter, her tears,
her kisses, her embrace, her smell,
her strength, her sheer existence,
everything else unique
to her is the tree
under which I
take shelter;
I am
safe.

Monday April 23, 2018

Today, God has taken someone very dear to me. He has made my father one of his many angels.

I never thought you would have gone this soon. It was weird..I was in class...didn't even know that you had already passed and yet, while people were giving their presentations, all i could think about was you. I started to write a letter to God. All I could write about was, why you. Why such a wonderful man? Why my rock, my foundation, the glue to our family? Why God had to take you? I knew you were suffering, I knew you had a hard life. But I also knew, you put us first. You cared for us until you couldn't any longer. You loved us, no matter our doings. I lost Nanna, your mother, three years ago. The docotrs gave you a year last January, but I didn't take it literal. I couldn't see you dying. I couldn't see the day that I wouldn't hear your laugh anymore, that I wouldn't feel your bear hug or hear your voice anymore. That I wouldn't hear the countless jokes and stories that you told over and over because you couldn't remember that you've already told them. I never thought that would come a day so soon. I never thought that that day would be today. I talked to you on the phone, asked you how you were, told you I loved you. I didn't think that that would be the last time that I would talk to you. That I would say those words to you. But alas, God had other plans for you. I know you aren't suffering anymore. I know you are happy and that you are with your mom, dad, grandma and grandpa. I just wish I could have been there to hug you one last time. To hear your laugh one last time. I love you and I'm going to miss the hell out of you. I still can't believe that your gone.

I wish I could have heard you say that you were proud of me one last time. But I know that you are. I'm not sure how to process this. It's going to be hard. But I'll be okay. Because I have you and everyone else guiding me.

I love you daddy. And I'm not sure what I will do without you. But I know that I will continue to make you proud.

Written: April 23, 2019

No one can prepare you for death, no matter whom it is. But most importantly, no one can prepare you for losing a parent, a father. No one prepares you when you feel the need to take on the role as the strong one and care for everyone else. No one prepares you for the moments when you have to comfort your niece or mother because she lost someone dear to her too. No one prepares you for the grief that you will run away from but it'll eventually hit you like a ton of bricks. No one prepares you for that depression, anxiety, anger, resentment, guilt, wishes, and pain. No one prepares you for that feeling of losing the only man that truly ever loved you since they day you were born. You don't have that chance to prepare. You don't have that chance to heal in advanced.

Because you never know when it truly hits. You never know when it's going to happen, how its going to happen, where, and why. I faced days, wondering when I was going to feel my grief. Would it be during the service? Would it be during the burial? Would it be a week later? A month? A year? You're never prepared to have that heart wrenching hole inside your chest, missing the man you used to look up to. The man you wanted to be at one point.

It's been a year, today, and some days it still doesn't feel real. It still doesn't feel like a reality. It feels like I could just go home and see him. Like he will walk in that door and give me one of his hugs that I so desperately want and need. I struggled. I still struggle with this. I thought I could work through this on my own. I thought I was strong enough to get through college with a breeze, help others, and THEN worry about my problems. But I've learned all too quickly that that isn't the case. That that could never be the case. I needed help and I got it. I reached out among family, friends, professors, counselors, and God, seeking help. And through them, I am building my strength. Because strength isn't something you can obtain alone. It's best in numbers, it's best with support from those around you whom love you and care for you and your well being. I can't say that this grief process is getting any easier, but it's not getting harder. And I feel like I'm set to be on the right path. The path that will help me succeed and make my dad proud. Everyday is a struggle, slowly but surely, it'll turn into a smoother passage. I may be sharing this on deaf ears (or in this case blind eyes bc social media) but let this be and insight. Don't go through whatever you are going through, alone. Reach out. You're not alone in this and you never will be.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
It's been one year without you, today, Daddy. A year that has felt like an eternity and a day, all in one. It's funny how time works like that, huh. I love you and I hope I'm doing what I can to make you proud. I miss you.