the sun has vanished
and the world has run cold.

and i can't

remember a time i've run to you
for warmth, intimate or otherwise.

but in the darkness?
you're all there is.
or rather,
you're all i'd like to see.

so i sprint to the monitor,
blue ribbon in hand—
hoping for a moment,
you sense the urgency in my

[hello! :)]

and the ice is creeping up my spine
as i wait
for three dots that promise a reply

you shoot back

[oh hi.]

and the milk that once
enriched my bones
curdles
and i fall to dust;
nervous.

you hold a power that frightens me
your warmth, your chill, like heights

(i like the view, but cannot breathe.)

and would you, as well, compare the light
to an embrace?
the switch of grey to red to green,
like the caress of the abyss?

i want to be known by you.

(but cannot bare to be perceived.)

message those who deserve a good bye.
like i'm leaving oz tomorrow;
like i can live in my dreams
of february.

i want to be known by you,

but as messages pile up
i'm buried.

80, 190, 270.
texts, sexts, mirrors, enemies.
(wishes to be seen.)

one more message then back to
the problem at hand, so
shuffle the deck until you know
whats wrong with me.

i can't keep pretending my
notifications are off when i'm
waiting for your reply,
( & i'm flooded by noise. )

but i, among the hurricane
in the eye of the storm

ask to be known by you.

if i don't reach out
will you?

For all these years I've been gifted
I'm just curious
When do I start to enjoy them?

There is fire in my stomach
And smoke in my throat
And soot in my brain.
So hazy is my life,
Overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
So heavy is this burden,
I want someone to blame.
So disgusted I am with myself,
I want you to be the same.

Oh God,
I will not complain about my life
And my woes;
Instead
I tear myself up from the root and
Pull my brain out through
My nose.

I want to die but,
I don’t want to burn,
Even though I am burning
On my own.

Leave me alone, lock me up
And throw away the **** key.
Take my consciousness far away from me.
Let me die without being dead so
I don’t have to feel the
Scorching heat of my actions.

I know I don’t deserve heaven so
As mercy undo my existence and
Put me back to sleep.

I had three cups of coffee for breakfast.
I slept in a t-shirt two sizes too big,
and I took one too many Adderall (i think).
I sat at the table with the same book
I opened a few months ago,
reading the same few pages from yesterday,
hoping that today would be the day
it all made sense (much like you).
I started to wash the dishes,
but I only got a quarter
of the way done
before I ran out of soap,
much like my effort, or lack thereof.
On these days, my anxiety
is less of an adjective
and more like a state of being.
Everything has become exhausting,
waking up, going to sleep.
Yet, I do it all so well, and nothing
seems to satisfy the insatiable
hunger of the constant chatter
in the back of my head
that screams, “Go”
leave this place with dishes
in the sink, and half-filled
coffee cups behind
and never return.

I [think] I took one too many Adderall.

And while he lives,
No matter the day, year, age.
No matter the time!

May his lips form a smile.
May his actions be cunning.
May his heart be filled with song.
And may his eyes be filled with determination.

But when that dreadful day arrives, should it ever.
When gods battle over a foolish man's godless soul.

Cast him to sea.

With a sword in hand, that for Valhalla.
A cross around my neck, that for heaven.
A Scarab on my heart, that for the Duat.
And two coins on his eyes, for the ferryman.

For if no god shall claim his soul,
Then Davy Jones will feast on his treasures!

I stumbled upon your linkedin yesterday,
and saw you frozen in time.
Read through an articulate and proud bio, and wished that that was still you embodied.  
Before all the pieces crumbled apart.
I didn't realize that it would haunt me.
What a feeling it is, to know you're alive, while mourning as if you're gone.
I would give you all my hope if it had a chance of saving you.