When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And look down,
I see the big old air conditioner compressor,
Rusty after decades of use
In Michigan’s sometimes-90s summers.

When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And glance left,
I see the faithful church,
Where I’ve spent almost as much of my life in as this house,
Where I’ve met my best friends.

When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And view right,
I see the standard size basketball hoop,
That I’ve dribbled under my whole life,
That has seen countless children attempt at its rim.

When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And overlook the church’s parking lot,
I see the large backyard,
Where I’ve kicked innumerable soccer *****,
And dug limitless snow forts.

When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And gaze into the past,
I see you and me,
Riding around in that PowerJeep,
And that dent we put in the church.

When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And contemplate what’s in the present,
I see the crooked basketball hoop,
The steeple that lost its cross,
And the dead tree we don’t have the heart to tear down.

When I’m looking out my bedroom window,
And focus on the future,
I see a million different scenarios
Playing out in my head,
And I don’t even know which one I want.

All I know is nothing’s
Going to get done now,
My future isn’t going to be decided,
My life isn’t going to make itself,
While I’m just gazing out my bedroom window.

Entangled in an ivy mass,
Surrounded by the lush long grass,
Some purple flowers show their heads,
Inbetween eternal beds.

On the graves, people weep,
On the people deep in sleep,
People live and people die,
After death it's here they lie.

Trust the dead and do not fear,
Their hearts and souls are always near
They do not live deep underground,
It's inside you that love is found.

I kiss with my eyes open sometimes
I like to believe I can see into someone's soul

It makes me feel like I am a kid with her face pushed up against a window
Looking into a place of wonder.
I am the child
And you are the candy store.

I want to memorize
How your nose crinkles a little bit
How your eyebrows pull together in the center
How your cheeks flush.

When I kiss you,
The heavens open up.
How could I close my eyes
When the angel that I have always heard about in church
Was right here in front of me?

I kiss with my eyes open sometimes.

There was a girl
With a plaid skirt,
A red bow,
And lovely pink cheekbones.
She carried a smile,
Sometimes a laugh,
When we ran through
The church parking lot.
She was so fast
In her white stockings
And little black shoes
That it became hard
To keep up with her.

I wonder when,
I wonder why,
She stopped playing tag,
I wonder how it was
That she forgot
How to run.

I miss you, my friend,
You were the best there ever was.

Congratulations! It’s a girl.
The third girl of three,
To be baptized, to sit at pew surrounded by the congregation,
Who would deem my existence as unworthy.
My entire life a sin, even though my first prayer was to rid this sin of me.
But God did not answer me.
Or I was just too foolish to not listen to him.
My mother promised me something,
When I grow up I can be anything I want.
I decided to be a boy.
Naturally I did not come out of the closet,
The kids in school pulled me out.
Calling by words I did not recognize, “****, ******, Lesbian”
But I was more boy than girl, more Men’s Magazine than Maybelline.
I forcefully swallowed the phrases along with the slurs.
Uncles at reunions eyeing my scraped up knees,
Supposed to be covered by a flowery dress.
A short ponytail in the place of golden locks.
“I didn’t know I had a nephew.”
Aunts picking a my blushing cheeks,
And my female cousins begging to paint my face.
But my whole body’s already painted on.
My genetic makeup contributing the question of my anatomy.
My mother feared for my safety,
Afraid my name would become another hashtag within a second.
Another name whispered in hushed conversations.
Another ******* name of transgender homicide.
I am walking grave with a name painted on to which I do not recognize.
My life dependent on the mercy of hateful strangers,
The minute I walk out the door,
I become a feast for the eyes of strangers.
Confused at my gender expression,
They feast on my queer with hateful slurs.
Maybe someday God will answer my prayers.

Hello, Mister. God, or is it Miss, or Missus,
Don’t rush down to smother me with kisses.
Why listen to pleas and heartfelt prayers?
There must be something better elsewhere.
Somebody you can help that has better words.
The kind of holy roller crap we have always heard.

Maybe I can take a class and learn to speak
In Latin or Farsi or go get dunked in a creek.
Maybe I can buy black clothes and a collar
Or stand on a busy corner downtown and holler.
I’d even be willing to suffer in a golden palace
And only drink blessed wine from a silver chalice.
I’d gladly have a television show and do healing.
I’ll gladly lift my arms, overact looking at the ceiling.

I can practice celibacy and ignore my own crotch
I am sure I can. You just sit on a a cloud and watch.
I’m sure I can do laying on of hands quite well.
I can chant and sing and save people from hell.
I’m not too bad to look at and clean up good.
I’m perfectly ready to be a holy person if you would
Just cast your divine magic glance in my direction
And notice the piety and depth of my genuflection.

I have been told of the sparrow’s fall you see
That you’re to be revered on holidays regularly.
When babies die, and any pitiful sinless soul
We are told we are to accept it is part of your role
To take a life, or give disease as it’s all your plan.
That your love and your grace is greater than man
And therefore we must must not question you
And just accept all of the miracles that you do.

My hope is that, if I do it all perfectly some day
You’ll take our earthly pain and suffering away.
No, not mine. I’m being fairly lucky in my life.
I mean the pain of every husband and every wife
And every single person, of any age and station
And choice of worship, in every town and nation.
People at games and parties and battlefronts all
Keep praying for your help. Mr. God, get on the ball!