Life has always been about the decaying permutation of possibility.

When you are young, the infinite paths sing with endless potentials.

These branches are primed with the indifferent hands of time.

Choice still exist, as it always has, yet the narrowing is haunting.

It is that inevitability is that hangs around in ominous fog.

Approaching that finality is a journey of bittersweet grace.

The Other—Tolerate, don't show your hate
Turn away the Eye and Feet but not the other Cheek
The Weak's in Power now, but we're Strong
Rights we have even to Defend them in Blood
Intimidate, in Silence, or Not, but Legal
History's on our side, Evil shall not prevail
Greater we shall be, only a Foretaste we've had
We shall be One, and no Other, and by Choice

Does my skirt provoke you?
Are you scarred by my top?
Does the length and depth define me,
Could I do a better job?

Am I made by what I wear?
An outfit I compose
The paint I layer on my face
The cut of my clothes.

You say I have no self control,
No power of restraint,
You place me in a little box
A student with a male teacher or peer.
It’s her fault he could not.

Hold himself away from her
Chain himself to the chair
labelling her his object
Instead of averting his stare

I’m not defined by cloth it’s purpose is warmth
Nor the body underneath
It is me and my intelligence

Does my existence provoke you
Fill you with disgust
Because my ability to choose
Is simply not good enough

For the standards you set me
The body I must have,
To be considered ‘pretty’
To be considered ‘bad’

My skirt can not be to short
My shirt not to deep
Because a low neckline
Will prevent my ability to speak

Does my happiness provoke you
My confidence in who I am
Because it’s taken a long time
To love myself

Each day is a face with two sides
      Do or die
Failure is an ointment
      Swarmed by flies
Lies birthed from larva
      Contempt bred from pride
The caterpillar cocooned is consumed
      Blind to the future
Either monarch or moth
      Led astray by the flame

"God"

I begged

"Did I do your will?
Did I hurt him, did I hurt both of us needlessly?
What do I do?
Father, please help me.
I need to see what you see
Just a glimpse of what that may be
Of what I did, this choice which now defines me
I feel like I fell in an unending sea
Oh oh my father, it hurts what I did
I didn't make this choice to hurt him
I didn't want to hurt him
Never

Did I do what was right
Did I do your will
What you asked me to do"

Peace
Filling my trembling body
Peace
Calming my limbs
That long aching string between my head and heart loosens

My head, just now full of contradicting thoughts now sits quietly
Heart is soft too
Listening mildly

So when I answer the question my body is resolved
It hurts I said
That dull ache hits every time I think his name
I feel like he thinks I played a game
With his heart, but no, mine feels the same
Broken and lost, a little lame

I know it was right though the cracks are still there
The double thinking is almost too much to bear
We had uncovered who "we" were but he thinks I don't care when the truth is that I laid myself bare
When trouble came, to my knees I fell in prayer

I don't know why in the past it was right when now the answer is no
I just listen
God knows what is best
But it doesn't make it easy to follow

Head says yes, heart says no
Heart says yes, head says no

God said yes, now God says no
I listen to God, he knows where I'll go
He will make me strong so I will know
I will follow when he says so

My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words

My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea

My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt

She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back

Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...

Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this

Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,

Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing

Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes

Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there

With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray

My body is incredible
Not only do the subtle curves from inch to inch make me feel desired
Or the little waist my mothers middle age friends comment on
Or the fragile battle scars of a lifetime spent trying.

But the internal haven of complex systems
Each of which so cleverly placed.
A life source
I am my mother and fathers child
A founding force of a long full love
A miracle
Trillions of lives I may have lived
Millions of faces I would never had seen
Thousands of places I longed to go.

My body is my protector
Sheltering me from my worst instincts
To carry me through youth with agility
And to eventually carry another
But that is my choice

You cannot put me or my body in a box
You cannot tell me how to live
Or choose
Throw away your pointless cries of justification
I can’t hear you
I don’t want to hear you.
Why should a government official tell me how to be, who to carry, what to do.
My body is a vessel not yet ready for carry.

I need to carry me first
Take it a step at a time
I don’t love myself yet
It takes time
Nor do I love my body
Appreciation is the word. For now.
From the intricate designs of the birth mark on my leg
To the S shape scar on my thigh
The unanswered scar on my cheek and the moles that cover my arms.

They are mine and no one else’s
They can stay as I choose
As can it
Not he or she or they but it
Because it’s my choice

I am not an object
You do not own me

You do not own women

Cocktail
Cockfail

You’re drunk again

Mixed drink
Mixed emotions

Try thinking sober

Multiple shots
Multiple plots

You keep ordering

Pitcher perfect
Picture perfect

From drunk eyes

Hungover again
Hungover pain

Still same problems

Alcohol calls
Alcohol falls

Your name again

You answer
You catch

Maintaining the pattern

Alone, afraid
Alone, unsafe

Numb the pain

You feel
You need

But you don’t

Your week
You’re weak

Put the bottle

Down now
Move on

Overcome the pain

Don’t count
Don’t love

Your buzz more

Than yourself
Than health

You got this

You can
You will

If you try


Angry sober
Happy buzzed

Sad when drunk

Regretful after
Disappointed after

But then you

Drink more
Drink none

Break the pattern

My hair is covered, my intellect is not.
My feet are covered, yet I'm still going places.

My ears are covered, my hearing is not.
My back is covered, yet I'm still standing.

You've imprisoned my tongue, my words will never surrender.
You've imprisoned yourself, yet I'm still trying to set you free.