Today while sitting
Try to nourish a little smile
While still attending to your breathing
Smiling breathing

I’m the meditation teacher
And I smile

Distractions
Cleaning
Planning
Working
Writing
Editing
Dancing
La­ughing
Going
Keep going
Don't think
Keep moving
Don't stop
Keep busy
Don't pause
Don't breathe
Hold your breath
Don't think

You life is in order
Organized
Full
To its potential
You're being efficient
Getting things done
Even things that don't need to be
You've replaced the meaning of sleep
With the bitter taste of coffee
Replaced the simple task of meals
With the sweat of exercise
Replaced the tears down your cheeks
With the absence of thoughts

You've moved on
You're moving on
No time to look back
No time for emotions

Until that one thing
It's little
But it's not what you planned
Just one thing
You could get over it
And move on
But you can't
It's still there
Won't leave
Looming in your mind
Getting louder and louder
Galloping across your eardrums
Ramming into your forehead
Until it breaks through
You hear it screaming in your memory
Rattling your skull
And finally
You take your first breath in days
And another
And another
Much too quickly now
Your chest grows and shrinks with each exhale
Tears streaming down your face
You want to stop
And move on
Like you used to
But you can't
Tears blinding your vision
Your head feels weightless
Your fingers tingle
Your lips are numb
Your heart can't be controlled
You feel dizzy
You close your eyes for just a second
And the dam splits
Everything that has ever affected you comes flooding in like a tsunami
Taking over your brain
Drowning your emotions
Controlling your movements
And you just sit there
In your parked car
Black streaks down your cheeks
Feeling useless
There's nothing you can do
Your head bowed
Your eyes rested gently on your bent knees
Hoping no one sees you
Knowing that it will leave a
Spotted wet stain behind
in your light wash jeans

It is then you realize
that there are some things
That can't be changed
No matter how much you try
To be an adult
You're still a kid
No matter how much you do
To distract yourself
The past will stay
No matter how much you plan
Things out
You can't control it all

Life will be unexpected
Isn't always easy
Isn't always fair
Isn't always what you expect it to be
But it's going to do what it wants
And you get to choose how to react to it

So take a deep breath
Think for a few seconds
And move on

You make me want to kick you in the teeth
It may hurt me back but not my feelings.

The urge to snap your kneck
makes me shiver filled with rage.
I hate that I want you
but I know that I don't need you!

After trying everything,
it so bothers me
that you're still breathing.

The memories of you
Makes me want to puke!

Why the **** did we ever come across?
Wait, hold on to that thought
Knife is talking to me,
reminds me to slit your ******* throat!

as i exhale, it seems almost as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that leaves me feel uncertain and foreign.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it'd become a home for me
but it's still not me,
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breathe isn't normal.
i stared into nothing as i breathed like this,
my limbs would sometimes go numb and the world would move in slow motion,
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts
,and as much as i should,
i liked it.
i liked feeling nothing, the uneasiness of my breathe would somehow comfort me.
i could forget for 5 seconds and sometimes that was enough.

Sometimes holding on,
is harder than letting go,
Sometimes breathing,
is harder than crying.

Some days I'm numb,
others I can't seem to hold back the tears,
Some days I just wanna be alone,
others I can't seem to hold back the darkness.

Today
I wore black
Because
Event hough
I am still breathing
I am no longer
Alive

-jt