My thoughts are like rain. They start off slowly like a drizzle, I feel the emptiness start to take its course through my body
The rain gets harder.
The terrible racing thoughts go through my brain like knives.
Being convinced I'm not good enough, That nobody wants me around, There is thunder rumbling through me. The tears start coming out of my eyes. I can't move, I can't breathe, I start to feel numb. Soon there is a hurricane going on in my head destroying everything in its path.
My confidence, my beliefs, my dreams.
Everything gets shattered.
My eyes are so filled up with water my vision is blurry
and I just want this storm to pass so I can experience the
sunshine once again.
To feel the warmth of happiness.
But every time I do the rain cloud immediately
comes and starts to pour on me and drowns me in these evil thoughts. Over and over again.
My head is pounding, I want to scream But I
feel like no one would hear me because of how
loud this storm is. This happens every night
and every day I try to get stronger to beat this rain
so I can have more sun.

Before I first opened my eyes
Even before we had our first breath
You have always suffered
You have always felt his wrath.
He was supposed to protect you, us
He was supposed to love you, us
But he's as irresponsible as a child.
Painful truth, a true curse
So long as he exist,
So long as he breaths,
The circle continues.

I'm the last line of defense,
I'm the last one left to protect you.
But I also have suffered enough,
But I can't be weak, I cannot turn back.
Because It is my greatest duty;
My solemn oath to you,
I promised to always protect you.

Though, I cannot erase the fact...
I'm really... really tired.
I want to take a break from him.
I wish to get far from him, really far.
My siblings left you, me...alone.
I am just a child, I've held my ground;
I've held my ground till I'm finally broken.

Why do I have to be traumatized by him?
Why did we deserved all this?
What did I do to deserve this?
When will this ever end...
Because I'm really tired...
To protect you , all alone...
To face him all by myself...

I don't understand how someone so strong
Could think they are so weak
When they deal with way more bull
Than anyone should ever deal with.

I don't understand how someone that handsome
Could think they are that much of an abomination
When they have hated themselves way more
Than anyone should be hated, particularly him.

I don't understand how someone so amazing
Ended up so strong
So self-loathing
So anxious
So depressed
So misplaced
So disadvantaged.

I've written about it so many times
but my pain is still invisible,
wrapped up in beautiful words.
I wish someone would rip them apart,
revealing the cruelty of it all.
But still i'm standing here
dressed in a blanket of suffering,
trying to turn it into something beautiful,
but i've run out of ideas.
I'm trying to make you notice me,
lying in the arms of solitude,
naked, scared and worn.
I feel so vulnerable even thinking about it.
My only way to speak about it is poetry
and i've already said everything,
I'm only repeating myself.
But it's in vain,
comfort's still out of reach.

My Mind Is Screaming TOday
Saying *** YOU'RE Not OK
STARTED As A normal day
THEN MY Thoughts began to decay
Thought Of Me And YOU
HAPPY THOUGHTS
THEN Outta The BLUE
The Thought Of Losing YOU
NOT BECAUSE YOU can't love me
But BECAUSE Im Unlovable
This Is Why They Always LEAVE
I'm Mentally broken
I'm too needy
I Attach so quickly like a leech
They ALL End Up LEAVing
ONE TOLD Me I was the best but left me anyway...
If I'm THE Best THEN WHY Give Me Away?
I am happy....
So WHy do I wanna cry today
I Am Beautiful in and out...
It's MY Mind That's the one that likes to shout....
Am I Unlovable...
Or DO I convince my self I am?
DO I Make Them LEAVE...
Or Do I LOVE TO Hard?
Is IT Actually them like they say
... or is it me...
And I'm Really Not OK

All it took,
Was another crack in the shell
To come crumbling down
In a river of red and regret
Out in the open,
Oozing out my soul for others to see,
Some relate, some scoff,
I need not their pity,
I need a break from blaming myself.
When will I break from breaking down?