Unable to connect to others, I feel I'm always peering in With envious eyes, I observe their lives, and wonder when mine will begin The insidious illness that creeps into my soul, isn't easily diagnosed It's hard to explain, to a real living being, what it's like to be a ghost The doctors check my vitals and say "Umm, you look just fine" If only that blood pressure cuff could read my ******-up mind All the pills in the world don't seem to help, and instead just make it worse I wish I could feel, something that's real, besides my mother's curse Unable to relate to others, I feel I'm always on the outside So I breathe on the glass and use my bony hand to scribble, I am alive
Lights go out, Fear fills its place, Slowly, anxiety creeps in, Consuming you, Seeping in through every pore, Closing every door, To me, all is no more, What can be done, for this soul impure?
Sure, I may smile and laugh, But all you see is the mask; Underneath I cry, Below I am cast in sorrow and bewailment, Never to see anything beyond that threshold; The line between pain and happiness...
I feel like a Polaroid picture of myself I feel like I’m a fading still image of a person from the past
I feel like there’s pieces missing to my puzzle I feel like wholeness will never be an option
I feel like the Blues Clues dinner plate that was broken In the midst of a fight between my parents I feel like I’m still crying at the kitchen table Quietly, so they won’t notice
I feel like I’m standing outside a circle And I feel like even if I were let it I would push my way out
I feel like I’m reading the same sentence Over and over without it registering I feel like I’m reading a whole book Just to start it time and time again
I feel like these books don’t make sense anyway I feel like there’s pages ripped out I feel like there’s chapters pasted in where they don’t belong I feel like some of them are written in dead languages I feel like I’m not meant to understand
I feel like an active volcano under the sea I feel so much fire inside of my body It spews out into ocean waters And remains unseen I am the only one Who will feel my heat
I can’t hear anymore Tilted head Question mark eyes Looking at lips Meeting and parting Looking at teeth Waxing and waning Peaking in and out Behind pink curtains Wondering why I can see the words With my eyes Bubble letters You spat out Unceremonious They fell on the ground Alphabet soup You’ve spewed from your mouth Scrambled egg syllables Writhing around Garbled rhetoric shaken through air Rattled right past me as though I’m not there Catapulting through my ears Sound waves echo but I do not hear I see through empty words I see you and choose to leave you unheard I see actions that speak so loud That the ******* spewing from your mouth Is completely drowned out By the righteous sound Of a page flipped Of a chapter ripped Straight from binding Of the book you were writing Of the knots you were tying Or the roots you were growing My home is not with you Sanctuary is knowing The distance between me and you Will forever stay as true As the core values I hold myself to We all have lapses In our virtue But our character is The way we react to Each mistake we make And you choosing to feign Ignorance and deflect blame Shows me your resistance to change Is something that I will not take Along with me as I make A life for myself I do not hate I am not perfect but I never said I was I’ve been accountable for when I’ve ****** up As for you, you have chosen to run It’s been so long since you’ve looked back I wonder if you still remember what it’s from
I don’t write much these days, but when I do it doesn’t make much sense to me.