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Woke up to a pale gray morning
Gray bed, gray room, gray me
And it took a hundred deep breaths
For my eyes to see
The blue, the red,
‘cause my head
Was telling lies again

Woke up staring at the ceiling
To a stale cold noon
And it took a hundred deep breaths
To mute down the gray tune
The silent words
With weight of worlds
That said I was to blame

Woke up to a scary evening
Trapped inside my head
And it took a hundred deep breaths
To cut apart the thread
That choked my throat
With lines I wrote
Of guilt and hate and shame

Woke up with this red-blue feeling
Mixed all up in gray
And with each one of the deep breaths
I unmixed them again
See red, feel blue
But every hue
Makes me who I am
Zoe Mae Jan 2018
Unable to connect to others, I feel I'm always peering in
With envious eyes, I observe their lives, and wonder when mine will begin
The insidious illness that creeps into my soul, isn't easily diagnosed
It's hard to explain, to a real living being, what it's like to be a ghost
The doctors check my vitals and say "Umm, you look just fine"
If only that blood pressure cuff could read my ******-up mind
All the pills in the world don't seem to help, and instead just make it worse
I wish I could feel, something that's real, besides my mother's curse
Unable to relate to others, I feel I'm always on the outside
So I breathe on the glass and use my bony hand to scribble,
I am alive
Jay M Mar 2019
Lights go out,
Fear fills its place,
Slowly, anxiety creeps in,
Consuming you,
Seeping in through every pore,
Closing every door,
To me, all is no more,
What can be done, for this soul impure?

Sure, I may smile and laugh,
But all you see is the mask;
Underneath I cry,
Below I am cast in sorrow and bewailment,
Never to see anything beyond that threshold;
The line between pain and happiness...

- Jay M
March 18th, 2019
cade Oct 2020
i'm so sorry
i thought i knew i wanted this
but it's starting to look like
the only thing i love is my own inconsistence
there's so much more yo this but i cant keep my head straight enough to remember it
jules Sep 2020
she is slowly losing herself
succumbing to the darkness
of her mental illness

she is plagued by
the chaos in her mind;
a constant struggle
between her sanity
and the bittersweet sadness
she had grown to adore

what a familiar feeling
this heart-wrenching despair
has turned out to be
Lost Aug 2020
Yupo paper
Shredded and
Tangled into
A mess

I tried
To make
It look
Pretty but

It is
Only what
I have
Made it
To be

I carved
Intricate patterns
I folded
And crimped
Protruding pieces

I wanted
To see
Beauty in
What I
Had done

But I
Only saw
The mess
I have
I originally wrote this 7/28/20
Ryan Aug 2020
Love you! With an exclamation mark; like it’s far away.
Distant with the things I do and the things I say.
Squandering my time; gone with the wind. A decay.
Every day is the same thing on replay.

I’m awake and I’m caked in
a place where I’ve grown.
Where fights became earthquakes,
the same place I call home.

Molehills became mountains,
and the trees became gallows.
My personality weakened,
and all that was left there was shallow.

A proper diagnosis,
That says I’ll be addicted or dead.
It only took a lifetime of neurosis,
And a psychiatric ward bed.

To be molded by your worst traits,
To be malleable by the bad.
To shatter under the worst.
To be battered and sad.
Lost Jul 2020
I feel like a Polaroid picture of myself
I feel like I’m a fading still image of a person from the past

I feel like there’s pieces missing to my puzzle
I feel like wholeness will never be an option

I feel like the Blues Clues dinner plate that was broken
In the midst of a fight between my parents
I feel like I’m still crying at the kitchen table
Quietly, so they won’t notice

I feel like I’m standing outside a circle
And I feel like even if I were let it
I would push my way out

I feel like I’m reading the same sentence
Over and over without it registering
I feel like I’m reading a whole book
Just to start it time and time again

I feel like these books don’t make sense anyway
I feel like there’s pages ripped out
I feel like there’s chapters pasted in where they don’t belong
I feel like some of them are written in dead languages
I feel like I’m not meant to understand

I feel like an active volcano under the sea
I feel so much fire inside of my body
It spews out into ocean waters
And remains unseen
I am the only one
Who will feel my heat
Lost Jun 2020
I can’t hear anymore
Tilted head
Question mark eyes
Looking at lips
Meeting and parting
Looking at teeth
Waxing and waning
Peaking in and out
Behind pink curtains
Wondering why
I can see the words
With my eyes
Bubble letters
You spat out
They fell on the ground
Alphabet soup
You’ve spewed from your mouth
Scrambled egg syllables
Writhing around
Garbled rhetoric shaken through air
Rattled right past me as though I’m not there
Catapulting through my ears
Sound waves echo but I do not hear
I see through empty words
I see you and choose to leave you unheard
I see actions that speak so loud
That the ******* spewing from your mouth
Is completely drowned out
By the righteous sound
Of a page flipped
Of a chapter ripped
Straight from binding
Of the book you were writing
Of the knots you were tying
Or the roots you were growing
My home is not with you
Sanctuary is knowing
The distance between me and you
Will forever stay as true
As the core values
I hold myself to
We all have lapses
In our virtue
But our character is
The way we react to
Each mistake we make
And you choosing to feign
Ignorance and deflect blame
Shows me your resistance to change
Is something that I will not take
Along with me as I make
A life for myself I do not hate
I am not perfect but I never said I was
I’ve been accountable for when I’ve ****** up
As for you, you have chosen to run
It’s been so long since you’ve looked back
I wonder if you still remember what it’s from
I don’t write much these days, but when I do it doesn’t make much sense to me.
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