Today is my day
Wishing myself this day
A very happy day
For today is my birthday  !!
Aug 12

cw: abuse

I dared to leave my bedroom
because today was your birthday.

Despite him saying it to you last night as he...
I wanted to be the first one this year who wished you happy birthday.

I heard you while I was standing in the hallway.
He told you I was there, but you still said:

“Just get me a
bright red thong.”

Why did you say that?
Why do you let him stay?

He left today just like any other
despite it being your birthday.

I’m tired of playing ignorant
and avoiding the topic in conversation

of making you food
that instead ends up in his mouth

of him feigning a crippling injury
while the drug-resistant infection consumes you

of him groaning in pain from those same “injuries”
while he beats us for writhing in pain from our own chronic illnesses

I realized
when he ordered pizza for himself last night:

He wants
the

food and girls
fresh

just like the
bright red birthday thong between your legs.

Your birthday is just
another excuse for him.

When you died, I was devastated and didn't know what to do.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy-two.
The love that I felt for you was special and it knew no bounds.
My heart was broken when you were lowered in the ground.
If you could hear the words I'm saying, I'd want you to hear me say "I love you".
When you died, my days were filled with unhappiness because I was so blue.
I grew inside of your womb until I was born in August of 1971.
You were spectacular and it was a privilege to be your son.
I suffered when you died and it's something I wish others wouldn't have to go through.
Happy birthday Mom, if you hadn't died, today you would've turned seventy-two.

Birthday cards, I keep stacked that I’ve made
copies near the entrances to my window—
the virtue of having a friend
bitterest of ways, I am daffodils, saltwater.
mason jars of onions, old peanut butter we save
singing together, little notes of you
pieces, bit by bit— scatter into summer

tomorrow is my mother's birthday
and i can't remember the last time
we spoke about much more
than what i'm doing for a living
or how the weather has been
or when i'm quitting smoking
or collecting tattoos on body
or getting a real job
so it doesn't seem appropriate to call
and wish her a happy birthday
when i haven't been in her life
as she hasn't in mine
her contact name has been
KATHLEEN
ever since i was eighteen
our distance isn't anything new
but it feels heavier this time around
that weight is getting harder to carry
life is getting so weird
and i hate to disappoint her
but i have been disappointing myself
for far too long
living in the shadows of those
claiming to be
wiser
smarter
luckier
successful
stability is not a desk job
finding myself does not include
her telling me to sit down
i refuse to stay still
honesty is not easy
living is not easy
happiness is not easy
love is not easy
i can't continue
being torn apart
by her judgment
overstepping boundaries
letting her break my heart
is not a good birthday gift
so maybe i'll call her
but i probably won't