Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Poetress2 Mar 29
My cruel, grouchy old Mother-In-Law,
is a sight for sore eyes to see;
Save your money at the Circus,
'cause to look at her is free.
~
She's really not that hideous,
in her very own, special way;
What hair that hasn't fallen out,
has certainly turned gray.
~
But dare you have to live with her,
she becomes an old Batalax;
Yet she always feels much better,
when she gets her Mustache waxed.
~
She does have a few, good qualities,
but overall, she's awfully mean;
That's why for Christmas this year,
we bought her Vaseline.
~
We greased up her 'ole toilet stool,
then we greased it up some more;
She slipped right off, and hit her head,
and her teeth slid under the door.
~
She didn't care for that at all,
no sir, not one little bit;
For when she fell, her wig flew off,
and she cut her bottom lip.
~
But I guess we're cruel to her as well,
for we never allow her to date;
When night time comes, we lock her up,
'lest Bigfoot wants to mate.
~
I could go on for days on end,
about how bad she's been;
But now I have to stop right here,
'cause there's no ink left in my pen!
This is my Mother-In-Law's favorite poem I wrote about her.  She carries a copy in her purse, and reads it to strangers.  Lots of love Mom.
Poetress2 Mar 28
My Mother-In-Law lives with me,
and boy does she need some help;
She doesn't brush her hair anymore,
she's given up on herself.
~
Her outlook is mostly negative,
for she sees no good at all;
I which she was a Horse,
so I could put her in a Stall.
~
I cringe whenever she wants to cook,
for a Pancake she can't even flip;
I'd love to take her for a ride,
and push her off of a cliff.
~
She's become a bit, "Man Crazy,"
she'd take anyone who can breath;
So I took her to a Nursing Home,
she replied, "Too old for me."
~
I began to feel quite sorry for her,
so a "Blind Date" I one day arranged;
He brought her home, 'fore ten p.m.,
and said "She was much too strange."
~
Her bleach-blonde wig kept slipping,
and her teeth, they wouldn't stay in;
I believe she doesn't stand a chance,
of finding a date, e'er again.
~
She has no taste in men,
so I never allow her to date;
I keep her hidden inside all day,
'less Bigfoot wants to mate.
~
It seems I'm truly stuck with her,
so I'll take the good with the bad;
For she has a never-ending love,
that I am so blessed to have.
I truly love her.  She loves it when I write insulting poems about her.
Dakota J Dawson Jan 2018
By the way
To all the cryptic beings
Find a place in my heart

Away from the public
Toward the evening dawn
Bordering the bright blue sea

There you will find grain
Possibly wet sand
Coconuts by the dozen

Enough pleasure
Just the right amount
For a hairy beast

Sadly, it is all lies
A hairy beast
Coconuts in the sea

This poem means nothing
Really that's the point
It really is cynical
Samantha Dec 2017
There are many things
We don't know are real.
From scientific theories
To the forever concealed.
What could be false,
And what could be true?
If you were to ask me,
Humanity never knew.

First up in my list are pretty unicorns,
With majestic manes and glittery horns.
Nobody's ever found one, maybe nobody will
But that won't stop some from trying, still.

Next on the list is maybe the ghosts,
Transparent and spirited, the one of which most
People believe in, but I am not sure
If they can be real. We'll keep searching for more.

Third one's the charm, please meet Bigfoot!
Is he really as real as the fireplace soot?
But if you're a hunter, please beware,
Killing him's illegal in Washington... how rare!

Mermaids are next, at the fourth spot.
When it comes to my reasons, I know quite a lot.
5% of the oceans is all we've explored,
So they might be out there, trapped forevermore.

Last but not least, and this statement's quite bold:
We can never prove the existence of the soul.
What does it look like? Where does it go?
Those are some things I'd like to know.

There are many things
We don't know are real.
From scientific theories
To the forever concealed.
What could be false,
And what could be true?
If you were to ask me,
Humanity never knew.
You can't prove something to not exist.
Knit Personality Sep 2016
I know a guy who goes by "Bigfoot."
   I think he fits the name.
And I would bet a pickled pigfoot
   That you would feel the same.

A connoisseur of odors foul,
   I've smelled some awful feet;
And I would bet my lower bowel
   That Bigfoot's can't be beat.

O.O
Arlo Disarray May 2015
What a fan-*******-tastic day it's been
I'm so happy, I could scream
I was hoping for a nightmare, but I only got a dream

And my dream was full of meadows, flowing streams and singing birds
But I hated all their songs
because they didn't have words

******* birds and your lousy chirping
I'd rather hear the alphabet from a drunk guy burping
So quit your constant squawking, I don't think you're pretty
Your singing is like car horns honking in the city

Waking back up from my hellish dream
I tripped down a hill and fell in a stream
I couldn't see because of the fog
So I grabbed onto Bigfoot, thinking he was a log

And as the sun shone its rays down onto my skin
I screamed at the sky "God, where have you been?"
But alas, still no answer. Still no sign of light
I'll believe God exists the day he's in my sight

For now, Mr. Sunshine, stay out of my sight
I'm done with your false face shining so bright
Last time I saw you, my eyes caught on fire
Now I am blind, and my pupils expired

Fan-*******-tastic, this whole day has been
I wish I could live it again and again
I just can't stop smiling, I just can't quit grinning
Let's start this great day over from the beginning!
Arlo Disarray Apr 2015
Dear Bigfoot,

Thank you for allowing me to live after I killed your son.

Thank you for showing me that my way is right and everyone else is evil and must be saved.

Thank you for making me hate anyone who is different from me, but I'll still tell everyone else to love thy neighbor.

Thank you for terrifying me into loving you. For shoving your ideas down my throat and telling me I'll burn if I think for myself.

Thank you, Bigfoot, for being the horrible monster that we all love and adore so much because we're afraid not to.

Thank you, for being a *******.

Thank you for modeling us after your image so we could be hideous and evil.

Thank you for creating misery and death.

Amen
My little "*******" to the religious folks who think their way is the only way.

For those who hate homosexuals.

For those who feel superior.
Arlo Disarray Apr 2015
If you want to bathe in your delusions, I don't mind
But I'd rather smell like **** than listen to your spit
So keep your holy water to yourself
Because it ******* burns when you flick it on me

All hail the Almighty Bigfoot!

He is my favorite urban legend

He seems like a much nicer fairytale character than your God
With love and smooches, dear.

Love,

Arlo
Arlo Disarray Apr 2015
I believe in Bigfoot
I believe he created us in his image
I believe that Little Bigfoot died on a cross and became a zombie on Easter
Do people ever truly lose there mind or were they always ******* bat **** to begin with?
I believe half this earth is run by insane people most of which have way to much power and far to little sense .

The ******* radio is a great example ever listen modern music ?
You know that **** that doesn't require any talent to preform just a record player and some half wit to rap along with so you can have a remix yes country music is vile enough let alone throw in a nerd that would **** if he got his thirty thousand dollar sneakers ***** once are made in some sweatshop for ten cents a pop yeah how ******* fashionable .

And remember when you had to play a ******* instrument to have a record out?
Yeah I'm so old fashioned I mean sure kids wear all the  shirts to half the bands I grew up with and have no ******* clue who the bands are but yes the world is stupid and you wonder why I drink.

Just like people who believe the world really gives a **** there having a bad day # who gives a **** Twitter is for stupid ***** and celebrities who have as  much depth as a public toilet but are far less clean.

People always read me and believe I am this nice easy going goofy drunken ******* who only lives to make them laugh and talk about ******* well who doesn't like ******* there awesome.

Hey Gonz do you like kids ?
No I don't !
Why ?
Cause they always annoy the **** out of me when I'm trying to sleep off a good ****** in the park really whatever happened to letting the TV raise them hey I look at me I didn't turn out so.
Umm well okay so I'm a little ****** up .

Hey do you ever get tired of being funny or find it hard to come up with new things to pick on?
Well just watch the evening news for a second and head down to the local bar or that gate of hell Wal-Mart and look at all those ******'s who believe they have to buy **** just cause its on sale yeah sure why not buy two hundred rolls of toilet paper  cause you never know when the world may end and the zombie apocalypse will begin .

Newsflash when the world does cease to exist you probably will to and when your starving to death or being burned alive I really doubt that wiping your *** is going to be your top priority .

And we already live amongst zombies   there called yuppies and those I phone twitter loving instagram ******* are ******* everywhere and driving while doing all this **** so pick your head up and watch out!!!

I recently was on a little road trip and while in Evansville Indiana as me and my head cheerleader were riding around the city late at night we were ran into by a young and brainless little **** who admitted she was texting and driving and as I sat there waiting for officer fat **** to arrive to give this cyber **** a ticket .

Yes Indiana it's slogan should be hey are you ******* lost?
Yeah I know I'm a real people person .

Anyways as I sat there viewing what looked like babe Ruth in a bullet proof vest hand out a ticket as he sweat out gravy I had to question with  fifty lares of flesh for padding was there really a need for the vest?

They say when you go insane it's hard to truly rejoin society .
But honestly after looking at half the strung out loony toon's that are considered normal why the **** would you ever care to be part of there brain dead **** storm ?

And since when did the news care what was popular on ******* You tube?

Todays top stories the worlds on the verge of self destruction, A man kidnapped a child ***** her for several years has five kids with her but later on that right now let's check out this cute cat video.
yes the worlds obsessed with ***** .
And you thought it was just me.

And why do teachers now all **** there students and where were these horney ******* when I was going to school.
Yeah having to settle for a ******* from the janitor just wasn't the same.
Although he did have a fantastic grip I'm kidding.

And why  do people even own TV's duh cause books are to much like work but hey remember to buy mine cause it has  plenty of pictures  yeah what isn't poetic about ****?

Yes I can imagine what the great writers from the past would think of the new bestsellers.

Who doesn't like books about *** *** wizards and **** vampires that glimmer in the light yeah I didn't read it duh I saw the movie *******
yeah you may laugh but whatever got my sixteen year old girlfriend in the mood was alright by me I'm  kidding again she was twenty one at the time least that's what her fake Id said.

Yeah least I'm not as bad as Micheal Jackson  cause I'm actually alive that is duh.
Yeah he didn't have issues he just a ******* amusement park in his back yard .
Me I'd prefer a ******* or maybe a mall yeah don't ask.

Common sense nowadays it makes people laugh and the key to humor is always truth people are all ****** up hell just look at me I'm truly insane I own my own bar I get paid to write I do stand up for free drinks but honestly would you really want me doing anything else?

Attention this is your captain speaking umm look I really  don't know how to put this but I forgot to gas up before we left so looks like were all going to die as we crash into the earth and burn to death.
Yeah my bad .

But hey I want to thank you all for flying delta and please remember the do not smoking light is on yeah sure your probably going to be busted into a million pieces but heaven forbid the ***** next to you catches a whiff of smoke before he dies.

Loosen the **** up cause your not going to live forever  .
People are so uptight afraid to say **** or disagree with each other cause we all need to think alike like a bunch of ******* lemmings.

I grew up around backwoods rednecks I lived in the city slept in the ******* street okay there's no difference in people except real ******* people aren't scared to **** others off they are who they are and if you like them great and if you don't then ******* life's to dam short to sweat the ******* and this high school mentality needs to truly get ****** the worlds messed up so embrace it .

Like me, Hate me at least you never have to guess what I really think .

Stay crazy kids cause the normal ***** of this life are usually  total closet freaks who **** hookers on the side and make bombs in grandmas kitchen .

It's a shame cause a good ****** is a terrible a terrible thing to waste.

Well hamsters until next time this has been your bartender for life with your friendly perverted public service announcement we now return you to your regular scheduled program right smack in the middle so you wont know what the **** happened cause we can nah nah.

And if I somehow offended you please fell free to write to.

Gonzo's complaint department in care  of .
105 It's called a ******* joke way .

Cheers Gonzo

— The End —