I wish I was a character in a book, all the time in the world to say the perfect thing, never stumbling over the right words or misinterpreting thoughts portraying a much more bitter taste than I imagined. In books, I can delete spoken words, alter past conversations, toying with an exchange so I always have what I want slide right off the tongue but much to my eternal dismay I am not in a book, I cannot simply backspace the wrong words, they are stained into the fabric of reality.

A.C.

He looked around
is it my socks? They are lost but found.
Is it my room? It is the place where I hold my ground.
Is it my dog? He's everything but a hound.
For there was a rotten smell,
Oh, it is growing from the left where the hearts dwell!

He looked inside
Is it the unforgiven mistakes? He stayed sorry and, he cried.
Is it love? He waits resolutely till, denied.
Is it the vices, envy, distrust & their kin? He fights them till they hide.
As the stench got closer.
Oh, somehow it broke and, the clots give out the odour.

He took it in his hands,
the fragile thing came off, like drool from the glands
trying to mend the dark-pink, swift and, soft like mink
he should be delicate while it expands
and don't stretch too much of its worn-out bands
there's nothing but to try till he stands.

I spend my hours lonely
Staring at a phone that doesn't ring
Lying to myself
Pretending not to feel the sting
Around my room in laps I pace
Because it is hard to stay standing still
Restless and anxious
I can't concentrate
Distress is too strong to ****
A tiny part of me is relieved
To see you haven't changed at all
It makes it easier to stand nt ground
When back to you I want to crawl
You must be a magician
Putting me under a spell
With one wave of your wand enchanted
Conjuring heaven
We're really in hell
You keep my adoration in your pocket
Instead of in your heart
It's obvious I am the only half affected
When our lives are forced apart
It feels as though I inhabit a cage
Only when you disappear
Your absence holds me captive
Then am freed when you get near
Dancing on a narrow line
Seperating sense and satiety
If I succumb to my shameful desires
That means forfeiting my sanity
Trapped behind bars inside my brain
Cannot escape my expectations
Disappointment is inevitable
Yet I still surrender to sweet temptation
Shades of blue inside and out
Mixed with the occasional grey or black
All other colors vanished with my trust
I'm pretty sure they're not coming back
Cloaked in heavy misery
Weighs down my overwhelmed soul
You don't even have the decency
To return all the time that you stole
You placed stars directly in my eyes
Just so you could watch them burn out
Ignorance was comfortable
Til you showed me what I now live without
Silence chokes with an icy grip
Solitude freezes spirit right through my skin
No matter how many games you play with my emotions
I still participate although it's impossible to win

Breathe in
Now count to ten
Ready your fingertips
Now softly stroke the pen,
Across the page

Don’t write the words
Paint for me
Falling autumn leaves a slight mahogany
Create the sky
Show me the technicolor dreams inside your mind

Call for thunder on stormy seas
Cupid’s arrow one snowy Christmas Eve
Make me believe
Now on my count,
Breathe out

time
time
time
it’s slipping away
why won’t it stop?
why won’t it stay?
time
time
time
please wait.

you did nothing wrong
you are amazing
i just don’t want to be
in a relationship right now

i was the common denominator

fool me once - shame on you
fool me twice - shame on me
get broken up with for the same reason
four times - it’s a ******* pattern

how do I explain to someone new
that I am running out of pieces
of myself to give away

that i’ve stopped saving phone numbers in my phone until somebody proves
that they’re going to stay

that I don’t even know how to talk about myself
because the things that
make me - me
were the reasons
why everyone else left

that i haven’t figured out
what I’m doing wrong
and my track record
makes me not want to try

how do you tell someone new...
that you already know
they aren’t going to stay

I want to climb every step
to the rooftop
of the tallest building
i can find - and shout
"YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME!"

I want to laugh in the face
of the chemicals in my brain
whose job everyday
is to convince me
that i am
unbalanced.

I want to stand tall
and continue living my life
in plain view of the
people who tried
to keep me down.

For every 1 moment that I feel better
There are 15 more where my
hands shake for no reason
or I get so overwhelmed
that I literally force quit
my existence
Forcefully shut off my brain
continue to find peace in the chaos.

I climb the steps to reach the top
to yell from the roof tops
But for every day that passes
2 floors are added to the top

If you don't have it
Then you won't get it
You might not understand

Why everyday
I can't feel my face
Why i can't breathe
Why i can't stand