Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

I sought help from you and all your kind.
To fix the cracks formed in my mind.
I reached out because all was dark.
In desolation without a spark.
Consulting you because my mind had flipped.
I don't recall the name of pills on that script.
So many now that have come and gone.
So many kinds you've had me on.
My mind and body with side effect.
Years and years of that neglect.
Going cold while changing types.
Try something new with all its hypes.
Still waving like a drowning man.
And despite my plea no change of plan.
Is this all your education can do?
What really is the point of you?
Years of drugs and threats of E.C.T
Do you know the new cracks you made for me?
I wont medicate this stuff not one more pill.
Not one of my mental cracks did it fill.
Feeling better just being drug free.
Thank you Doc for helping me.

I guess one day I will travel
when I run out of Elavil
and my body becomes of ash and dust
carried by the four winds, wanderlust.

The pills do not work like promised,
For the thoughts still remain.
They have accomplished little,
Other than to drive me insane.

I feel myself becoming emotionless,
The medication smothers my ability to feel.
It helps me to endure this situation,
But it allows no room to heal.

But these blue pills, at least they are something,
Something to ease my suffering.
These many bad nights have left me terrified,
For I am prone to shuddering.

Having hindered emotions
Is better than feeling anxious or depressed.
So I will take this treatment even if
Happiness also suffers in the pursuit of rest.

i cannot be your anti depressant.
i cannot transform into a warm blanket
every time you feel the cold.
i cannot seep into your veins and rest
underneath your scarred skin.
not all promises can be kept and
i am only trying to speak the truth.
try to understand i have my own demons to tame.

don't make your happiness so dependent
on my rise out of bed in the morning.
don't rely so much on this frail veiled soul
to mend each broken piece of yours
while i'm still only trying to kick myself out
of my own shark infested seas.
the speaking of pure fantasy only assures me,
i will soon be suffocated by your adding of more water.

you cannot intend on making me your hero.
you cannot be fixed by these clumsy hands that
can't always be there in time to hold yours.
so please. i am only human.
you have to save yourself.
because i can never be your anti depressant.

the stifled sound rumbling on the tip of my tongue eager to come out.
It roars with happiness and excitement from what it seems.
But behind that exotic laugh is a soul. The laugh hides the soul keeping it hidden from outsiders.
The laugh keeps a delightful smile on someones face. Everyone wants to feel happy..even if it is for a split second.
That laugh takes your mind away from the dreadful thoughts of suicide or the painful outlook of what is called you life.
The laugh takes away the pain as if were an antidepressant.
But what happens when the laugh stops...that dreadful pain resumes to what is reality as it consumes your identity as a whole.