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Belle Dec 2019
its christmas and the only gift i want is to lose weight
Lydeen Dec 2019
Hey
Hey.
I sent you another text.
Maybe I shouldn't've.
I was hoping to tell you something.
I don't really know if you care but.
I ate a proper amount today for the first time in months.
Have you eaten?
You probably haven't.
That's okay.
I get it.
I think under normal circumstances you'd be proud.
I actually ate fries and shortcake today.
I forgot my meds though so it made me feel icky.
It's okay.
I even ate some chocolate.
Nearly a full meal at McDonald's.
Well...
At least half.
I gave it my best, though.
How are you?
How's your mom?
Have you eaten?
(I miss you)
How's your girlfriend?
(I love you)
What's been up?
How can I fix this?!?


I'm sorry.
Alice Swatridge Dec 2019
50 red lines
Etched and sketched across
The canvas in which you live
That was what you left
On the day you said
You’d stop

800 calories
Brittle nails and
An iron deficiency
That was what you left
On the day you chose
Recovery
reflections from the other side of anorexia
Belle Dec 2019
if i put the same effort into getting out of bed that i do
starving myself
i would be so progressive
im gonna pass out
you dont look too good
i see it in your face
i havent been to school in 3 weeks because
getting out of bed is too hard
so i lay there
depriving my dog of playtime
and walks
so i could sulk in isolation
skipped work to nap
i cannot move
me Dec 2019
my fragile skin may never fade
but maybe weeds
can still sprout through
i can paint daisy chains across my scars
and roses in the hollows of my collarbones
wildflowers grow
from the inside out
through cracks in my flesh
and in the valleys between each rib
slow and steady
up my throat until i choke
but that's okay because
at least it wasn't food
i'll swallow bouquets
to keep my starvation in full bloom.
i found this in a word document that i made during PHP (partial hospitalization program) for, again, my eating disorder. it was a pretty long poem so i cut out my favorite part which is what you see here. i feel like i write better when i'm sicker ;)
no one:

me: this is all i'm allowing myself to eat today
Iz Dec 2019
I remember the supervised showers
The crushed ice
The cries at night
The feeling of losing control
The idea that earbuds with the right twist and ties could make me die
The sewn on pillowcases
The weapon in scissors, mirrors, handles, sheets, bedposts, bags, shampoo, straps, glass, pens
The misdemeanor
The boy who’s anorexia was his slow suicide
The girl with two siblings that killed themselves
How everyone wanted to **** themself
The 7-year-old that only cried
The lime green hallways that haunt my mind
Found this poem from a year ago
Lydeen Dec 2019
Curves melting away
Numbers dropping
An obsessive measurement of worth

One food at a time
Or
Consider mixing it all together

Counting bites
Counting grains, kernels, seeds
Counting times chewed

26 waist
32 hip
5 wrist

11 neck
7 forearm
30 ribcage

17.8 bmi
16.3 body fat
98 lbs

Obsessively memorizing
Remeasuring
Plugging in numbers

Worrying if you look sick
Collar bones too defined
Hip bones jutting out just too much

Getting scared
Binging
Purging

Feeling deliciously empty
Thinking clearly
Everything fuzzy at the edge

It ain't a ******* joke
Rose Brown Dec 2019
‘recovery’
tastes like olive oil
and vinegar.
in your kitchen, at 1am
after 2 bags of crisps and vegetables.
tastes like cheap chicken breast
with spicy marinade
from the ****** canteen in college
and m&ms you gave away.
recovery tastes like failure,
like pieces of pizza you weakly stole
from your friends
because you spent your money on hair dye and nail
polish instead.
me Dec 2019
loving an anorexic is hard, i would assume. borderline impossible. how can you love someone who has so much hatred for their body?

my first relationship ended because he was sick of watching me spit pasta into napkins and hide bread in my sleeves
he cheated on me and i watched the most cliché stereotype turn me angry and spiteful
he told me he couldn't love someone who loved their eating disorder more than they loved him

i want to be angry about this, but i can't
he was right. i was always going to choose ed over him
i would rather die from starvation than let go of my eating disorder for him

in that sense, he wasn't the only one who cheated.
then i realized i was gay lol
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