I never held you close or tight,

Or rocked you softly through the night.

No lullabies, no tiny cries-

Just shattered dreams and silent skies.



Twelve weeks along, and yet I knew,

You were my son, my heart, my view.

They said, “It’s early”, like that made

The ache less sharp, the loss less weighed.



But love begins before the birth,

In quiet hope and growing worth.

I pictured you with eyes like mine,

A life ahead, a steady line.



And then-just gone, no warning sign.

No reason, sense, or sacred sign.

They called it chance, they called it fate,

But none of that could change the weight.



I raged, I wept, I fell apart,

I mourned you with a mother’s heart.

Though tiny, still you changed my soul,

You made a space I can’t make whole.



Thirteen long years, and still you stay,

In thoughts that never drift away.

In quiet hours, when no one sees,

You rise again on every breeze.



No birthdays came, no toys, no shoes,

Just love-and grief I didn’t choose.

But still I say, with voice held high:

You lived, you mattered, and you lie



Beneath my ribs, within my chest-

A name the world can’t quite digest.

But I will say it, bold and true-

My son, my love, I carry you.

Laying with heavy words- trying to regulate myself.
Sifting through the confusion of my heart and mind.
That soul bound undeniable bond I left sitting on my heart's shelf.
The tangible consistency of another that logic tries to remind.

But these words, they haunt me, and shake me awake.
They bring forth these tears and tell me all else is fake.

Me: "I know. I hate how much you still affect me."
You: "And that's because you're always gonna be mine no matter who is with you."
Me: "I'm yours... but are you mine?"
You: "Yes."

There it is finally written, brought to the light.
That red string of fate- we've always been tied.
The embers of my heart forced to ignite.
Every nerve in my body so suddenly fried.

Craving this unspoken love we always try and fail to deny.
You light me up like my phone in the middle of the night.
I know I shouldn’t take the bait, I know it’s not right.
I was never truly able to say goodbye.

Now I know, you didn’t feel nothing after all.
You held on too, it was real for you.
We are still soul-tied, mi amor, braced for the fall.
I’m still yours, somehow you always knew.

Even in the silence, the distance, and time’s passing.
Something between us feels everlasting.
I tried to close it off, let it go, say no.
But in my chest, tender and slight,
that fire I once mentioned is still burning bright.

They were no embers, they raged in my chest,
Chasing after tinder, to save the flame,
when you left me a drenched and dreary mess.
I know if we meet again, we’ll still feel exactly the same.
Hungry and destined to collide once more.
Say it will be the last time, your ghost will not haunt me like before.

Tell me, please, you won’t break me again.
I would forgive your every sin.
Just to be with you, skin to skin.
Hold your hand, make you smile within.
Watch me risk it all, everything I hold dear.
If you would only choose to let go of your fear.
Why can’t you just be here?
Just say that you’ll always be near.

As I said once before:

The world would have us star-crossed,
please, mi amor,
don't accept that our future is lost.
I still hold on to the dream, the one of you and me.
A steady candlelight vigil, a flame of hope, in my heart for only you to see.
Did it not feel meant to be?
Your words spelled it out to me... finally.

I remembered
How you looked at me
The first time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How much I loved you

I remembered
How you looked at me
The last time you saw me
And I thought to myself
How I will always love you

I refused to let you go
I know that if I did
You'd be gone forever
But you promised
Always and Forever
And I don't want a life
Where promises didn't exist

We always search for meaning.
We always ask for reasons why things happen.
But we can never seem to agree.
What if that's because meaning is an extension of our perspective?
They say beauty is In the eye of the beholder. What if we considered meaning the same way?

She sits on sandy banks,
the most beautiful sight one could see.
I give the universe endless thanks
for bringing and gifting her to me.
We’re a perfect paradise,
she’s always calmed me to breathe.
It paid off that she rolled the dice,
I know she’s not one for betting.

I can see stars looking out our window;
they illuminate us warm in our bed.
Through the screen I hear the wind blow,
it’s like a lullaby playing in my head.
“I love you more than you’ll ever know,”
You’re in my veins as the blood I’ve always bled.

Warming hands and pulling at shades,
rolling in white sands and waves, cascades.
Toppling over all the sand castles that were made,
brushing fingers on grassy patches; admiring every blade.

Watching the summer wind whip your hair to kiss your face
I start to begin to put them back into place,
before I declare that the act is just a waste
as natural perfection is one of your many traits.

There’s no lies and no regrets,
just those sweet summer sunsets
and those relaxed and easy breaths,
you are the best soul I’ve ever met.
And we were acting like there were whales in Wasaga beach,
who says there wasn’t baby, maybe they were just out of reach.

moment of weakness, of carelessness
a scintillating sparkling spark and then--
"****!"

it all gushes out,
you poke and touch and squeeze
more. more more. addicted.
red brushstrokes in its wake, like Monet
wave the finger around to strangers!!

someone tells you to wash it off
the blood dotting the silver band, the written pages of scribbled font
not the right time, not the right person.
so they say, so they scrub with soap
--i'm taking it all back.

it stings now, doesn't it?
the shame, humiliation mixed in.
can't even twitch without the hissing pain
war veteran or loveless child
lethe, oh, lethe.

brush away the wilted petals from time to time
fine, it only hurts when you remember how
but the scar lingers--will linger.
as a teenager longs for soft eyes,
i do for you.

I'll never be the mechanic
that can show you how to fix a flat tire.
And I'll never be the eagle scout
that can start a fire.
No, I'll never be your knight in shining armor. But I'll always be the one
that can make you smile.
Cause I'll always be the one you can talk to every once in awhile
when you want to feel wanted and loved.

i declaim, even bellow,
as she turn the a/c to below
the below, to sleep deep,
but then the chillers
invade like an army of Orcs,
now that my body fat now
three Yules gone bye bye
(and twenty yrs too late)

N.B. (FYI: she’s typically the one with
frequently freezing appendages!)

She mocks my screaming,
you are declaring decidedly,
me to be the hottest man-nequin,
with whom
she has ever slept~in,
has bed shared, for a consistent
statiscally valid time of period,
and the proofs
she offers is by
climbing aboard
my chiller self
,
to steal my entire inner warmth,
she being a skinny shapeshifting,
luscious figure whose body temp
barely registers 98 degrees
(per Ouro device!)

i scream out loud,
     the neighbors knock,
hearing me utter in agony
“your cold body is burning me,”
which with practice
SHE~IT
has learned to ignore for i
am  but the fly to
be engorged in her
Venus fly trap,
suiting  her purposes  
happily unwittingly

She tells me once again,
baby, baby
“you’re  my heart’s desire,
set me on fire,
once is
never enough
of a man like you,
do it again,
one more time!”

and believing
she suckeredme again
wiley giggles
loudly in my
blueish ear