Sometimes you have that moment
that one moment
when you walk to your boring job
or to the school that stresses you out
or to the boyfriend that treats you
like you are not that beautiful as that wonderful flower
you see on the ground.
it's the first one this year,
isn't it?
Maybe the flowers started blooming a while ago
but you did not pay enough attention
to actually notice
And in that one, special, hideous moment
you realize that everything in your environment is changing
For a second, just a small, tiny, short baby second
it feels like a new beginning
but then you keep moving, keep walking
to your job, school or boyfriend
and everything stays the same
tragic, isn't it?

You came into my life like an IED
Unexpected, unwelcome, and explosive
Not what I pictured
As a little girl
Hoping to get swept off her feet
We were an accident
A happy one, I thought
Two flames come together
To engulf what haunts us
A sideways smile, subtle winks
Subtle hints you found the fire too hot
I suppose the problem with flames
Is they cast a large shadow
And illuminate the unseen
Like the burdens ****** upon you
Or the scars I never manage to hide
I thought this was different
But then our fire ran cold
Not because it was extinguished
No
Because you left my flame
Without the courtesy of a warning
So I sit and wonder
Where it all went wrong
How I misunderstood
Realizing that the IED
Was me
Drowning the comfortable darkness
In a blinding light you
Weren’t prepared to face
But couldn’t bear to lose
So you left
And pretended that you remained
Choosing to brave the dark alone
Declaring that it made you strong
Trading the new fear in
For the old
Because at least you’d trained
For that

It felt like love
I'm almost certain that is was
Still there are those times where almost certain never was
Thinking close only counts with horseshoes and grenades
Guess I should've seen it coming when it blew up in my face

Bumblebees swarm under
The orange rind, bedside
Lamp flits, claws clench
A steering wheel, speeding.
Almost there, almost home,
You’re so close to finally
Understanding, almost.

How do you mourn the loss of something you never had in the first place
You were the greatest almost I ever had
I hope to know you again soon

Your footprints are riddled throughout south Boston from our cold walks wandering
They’re still here
Still a reminder of us there

Together was my favorite place to be
But you’re gone like it was nothing
And i miss you like it was something
Those moments felt like everything
Does any of it matter, any more?

yawning over existentialism
too immoderate for my shallowness
i only applause for big explosions
slapstick is the one i like the best

more on the eyes, less on the head
that's me.

even though I know we’re really different
I almost believe you and I are really alike

even though I know you don’t know what love is
I almost believe you when you say you love me

even when I know you’re lying
I almost believe you’re telling the truth

even when I know you won’t change
I almost believe you will

even though I know this can’t work
I almost believe it will

sometimes I wonder what it would have felt like to call you mine
to get lost in a sea of blankets
and hear your voice on my walk to class
I'm still holding your secrets like porcelain resting in my bones
there are nights where my mind is lost in the confessions we never made
and I find myself missing someone I never even had
isn't it pretty to think of what we could've been?
you'll always be my favorite almost