I wish I could explain  
What it is that hurts
When I’m alone  
When I’m on the outskirts

I don’t belong
Next to them
They’re all too good
And I don’t belong next to ‘em

But I smile and stay
Pretend I’m okay
When really I’m
having a bad day

But they can’t see
The pain I hide
The way I’m dying
Slowly inside

And I won’t tell them
Then I would only be a bother
Just like I was
Was to my father

I don’t understand
Why I’m sad
Maybe it’s because  
I’m hiding my mad

I’ll never know
Why they split
I guess its ‘cause
I was a misfit

But I’ll never understand
Why they quit  
It hurt a lot
I’ll admit

But they don’t care  
They never will
They wouldn’t care
If I was killed

But in this group
Where I sit
They say they care
When I want to quit

I don’t know why
They’re here for me
Because all I bring
Is misery

But they’re still here
To show me love
To say they care
No matter how far away I shove

It’s amazing how
They care so much
When we’ve never met
Touch to touch

Maybe one day
I’ll see them really
And then I’ll say
That we’re silly

Because so long  
We’ve shown care
To each other  
Together we’ll stay, I declare

One small thought
Still remains
In my head
It causes pains  

That one thing
Is repeated
All it says “You should be deleted.”
Everyday, it leaves me defeated

Because it means
I do not fit  
In this group
Where I sit  

Today is my last day
Because I quit
In this life
So today I commit

My one last note
Says goodbye
To all my friends
They probably won’t cry  

And that’s okay
I say, but I lie
It’s just a confimation
That I should die

And soon I do
As I visit the bridge
A tear slips past  
As I jump from the ridge

One last thought
plays in my mind  
‘You stupid girl,
They were being kind.’

I’ve made friends with perfect strangers
Weeks later and I’ve foolishly tried
Just so that I could feel the warmth
Of such a desperately atrocious lie

I’m hopeful deep down in my nothingness
That you can’t let me go
That you can’t stop seeing my face
And that this is all a vicious show

Once upon a time,
there were 12.
12 filled chairs.
1 full table.
12 full hearts.

Then, there were 8.
4 empty chairs.
And suddenly I blinked and---

10 empty chairs.
2 empty hearts.

Every man that I have ever let inside me is you,
Mom.
Every man that I have ever let see me,
touch me, open me up.
Expecting them to tear down the walls that are hundreds of feet high,
just to walk right through
as if my guarded heart is a sliding glass door.  
As if they can see right through my frame.
They see me: bold, opinionated, strong.
But They all have all looked right though me, and can see the little girl who wants to be loved.
They told me they loved me.
Touched the hidden places that have hurt to touch,
as if they knew exactly where they could be found.
Only to treat me like a warm body for their cold. Blood.
They take me as a shell.

Because, like you Mom, they exploit me.
Use my weakness in seeing good, reading what makes me tick,
Learn to gain my trust.
Just to abandon me.
Like you.

I didn't like him at first
But something about him made me love him
Something about him made me want him
We got so close
And I thought I could finally call him mine
But as the time past by
The closer we got,
The more distant I feel we have become
And that's when I fear,
Him leaving me,
When I thought I could fall in love
But end up falling in isolation

People will spend years of their lives
reassuring you they care about you.
Instead of just spending one moment
showing you and proving it.

You know I have every right to feel this anger swelling,
betrayal and heartbreak were the cards you wished to deal.
You say the future has no sure way of telling,
but I’m telling you now and you’re ignoring what I feel.

Try to save yourself, from the truth,
this time you won’t get my help,
so continue on acting aloof.
You know that I’m right to say,
if the tables had been turned,
it would all play out in a different way,
it’d be my name slandered and burned.

Please don’t make me live without you,
show me some mercy and be forgiving,
‘cause to be honest I’ll admit a fact painfully true,
life without you; I wouldn’t call that living.

You know I have a secret smile
that you and only you get to see
and I know that it’s been a while,
I don’t smile much at all lately.
You’ll take me, then you’ll break me and then fault me for the cracks.
You’ll shake me, and forsake me,
and try to wipe out and cover your tracks.

There’s this hole that’s essential
and it no longer can be filled.
A space in time so monumental,
I might as well have been killed

Please don’t make me live without you,
show me some mercy and be forgiving,
the skies are dark and it’s I that is blue,
as life without you; I wouldn’t call that living.

You are the one my heart beats for,
but you also brutally beat my heart.
You are the one that I completely adore,
but when I flatline can you restart?

Please don’t make me live without you,
show me some mercy and be forgiving,
there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do,
‘cause life without you; I wouldn’t call that living.

You know I’d never wish to hurt you,
before seeing you weep I’d choose to die.
But I could never even think to dessert you,
‘cause there’s no good in goodbye.

Do you feel a weight of regret,
do you even feel slightly bad?
‘Cause since the first day we met,
you said you’d still love me even wearing plaid on plaid.