Honestly, I don't know
Some dead and numb, and some left to sew
Cold sweats in this chaotic energy flow
I don't believe I've ever been in a place so low

Does the moon depress when the sun shines its light
When the tides collide like they're all ready to fight
In a darkened world coated by our human blight
There's no fixed star or light to guide me through this hellish night

When did reality start to feel like it became a game
Losing loved ones, like money, as if they both were the same
If bad luck gave attention, guess I'd be drowning in fame
Lacking grip to my sweating, can't tell if I'm really sane

I'm not well, i'm so lost, losing to this circle of hell,
A pattern stuck onto me, maybe i'm stuck to a spell
A world of hurt doesn't shock me, it's where I usually dwell
I wish I could provide better, but i'm broken, can't you tell

I will use the water
In your bowl
Lighting a fire in a cave far away
Flower your soil
Make it a garden of bouquets
Of petunias and water lilies bright as the dark lakes
In some functional world
Where we can be together
On the rivers,
By lake shores
There are plenty of chores
That water bowl is empty
As the heartbreaks are plenty
There are no chances of surviving in this
Fine, the old town of wars and running soldiers
That's the title of my next *** tape
As the wishes for borrowing instances from a stranger's eyes
And there is no choice of friendliness in the eyes of comeliness

I just want you to ask me if I'm okay.
But when I tell you my heart, you look away.
Don't get nervous when I try to disappear.
I just don't know what it is that you fear.

If diamonds are in the rough,
Then I guess our connection is full of them.
Our genre is a heartbreak if this was our final film.
It's like we're playing a game to find out what to say.
But if you don't see it, my voice has left me today.

I just want you to help me not to decay.
But you act like i'm a fire to your spray.
As Autumn sheds its leaves that fly through the coast.
I just can't help feeling like i'm a ghost.

I just can't help...feeling like i'm...a ghost.

we didn’t love each other, but
we loved wasting time.  loved
pretending to be the sun in the
big blue sky, loved dressing up
in stars and charading through
midnight hours, like a summer
love song.  

we didn’t love each other, but
for a moment we could almost
pretend we did. could believe
that somehow we were these
untouchable g o l d e n promises
and we were just trying to make
believe that lies were fairytale villains
we could

--actually escape.

we talk, but we’re not saying anything; we’re
just tracing circles with our tongues and hoping
it somehow it says enough.  maybe if we say
the same things over and over again, we can
make something out of our endless nothing
--but darling, i don’t think it works that way

we write, we teach ourselves to talk in tongues;
reciting words we cannot say out loud, twisting
them into some sort of meaningful display of
the truth.  maybe we’ve been dancing around
our lies too long, making fires out of matchstick
promises. apologies are hard, sure, but it’s even
harder to mean them, darling.  

you can ask me over and over again:
“what is it that you long to hear?”

and i’ll keep saying:
“if you don’t know by now, what’s the use?”

we talk, but we’re not saying anything.
we exchange apologies like handshakes
--and darling, i don’t think it works that way

sometimes you’re so busy trying to mop up the mess of someone else’s grief, that you forget to spill your own tears.  sometimes they dry up and fade away before they ever find courage to fall.  yet, they come to laugh when you’re not looking, haunting the back of your tired eyelids.  

don’t spend your life trying to swim in someone else’s ocean.  not when you’re drowning in your own.  

and yes, maybe they cry louder.  maybe their heartache bleeds a deeper shade of red-- but don’t let it quiet your own cries and don’t let it paint over your own hurt.

and if no one else has told you this, then hear me now--

     1. you’re allowed to feel what you feel
     2. you don’t need anyone’s permission to grieve

own your tears. they have value, even if someone else’s pain has made you believe otherwise.

Mom,
I love you.

When I was holed up in my room,
Silently dying inside,
You were the one that noticed the
Vacant expression on my face;
You were the one that coaxed me
Outside because you knew how badly
I wanted to feel the sun,
Its warmth, and to simply lay
In the grass under the dogwood tree
Again, the sun's rays
Making my vision go red
While I stare through my closed
Eyes, to be able to feel s o m e t h i n g
For a while.

You were the one offering to
Help with homework when you noticed
My grades dropping to F's and D's,
Even though you barely understood
The material.

You would leave bright orange Post-Its with
Reminders like
"Remember to drink water, you need it" and
"Take a nap, you've earned it" and
"I made your favorite sandwich, you deserve it."
Peanut butter and honey with banana slices-
Our favorite.

I never told you how much I
Loved those Post-Its;
Sometimes the sloppy semi-cursive handwriting
On the blindingly orange paper and
Its loving message were the only
Things keeping me
Going.

You were the only
Thing keeping me
Going.

Your taste in music
Isn't actually that bad.
Some of my fondest memories are
Of you half-singing, half-yelling the lyrics to
"We Will Rock You", your disgustingly contagious
Enthusiasm convincing me to half-sing, half-yell
With you,
While we drove along the highway
At 60 miles an hour.

Sure,
you're almost exclusively into
Queen and Earth, Wind, and Fire,
But I'd jam to "Radio Gaga"
Anytime- as long as you're there
To sing off-pitch with me,
Dancing our way through
Our list of chores,
Watching the music video to
"Take on Me" while
Racing to finish folding the laundry.

And, when the upbeat music
Stops, and it was time for
Little me to sleep,
You would sit by my bedside, and
Lull me off to sleep with
Your take on "You Are My Sunshine", with
Me humming along until I
Drifted into the realm of
Dreams.

I'm listening to your lullaby loop
Over and over and o v e r
In my mind as I
Write this, but the
Temptation of staying to
Listen to your
Heart-wrenching melody just
One more time. . . I can't.

Mom,
I made our favorite sandwich.

Mom,
I love you.

Mom?
Goodbye.

I am not air.
Don't neglect me, but also acknowledge my presence.
Don't take me for granted, and use me as a way to avoid others.
I am not water.
I am not here to shower you with energy.
I am not here to be polluted with your bs.
I am not dirt nor rock.
Don't assume i'm easy to kick around.
I have my bugs, but that doesn't mean i'm unappealing.
You will not walk over me, damage and destroy me for your own interests.
I am not fire.
Although, I may have a temper, don't assume I'll burn you.
I can be warm, but don't take my warmth for granted.
I am not your element.
But I am your friend.

If you learn to love me as who I am, our bond may never end.

Wonderful sun-kissed skin
Blissful rushing winds
Birds chirping hymns
'Tis a beautiful spring!