Normally all they expect from me is strength. They expect the bravest face with the brightest smile.
But 2019 has been throwing more than just hurdles my way.
2019 has been creating more than a disruption to me.

2019 started out with the biggest amount of hope, finally I was going to face most of my dreams and definitely at long last make sure that I complete them.

But when it came, I got a stab to the heart, losing the one person who I thought would get to see my empire rise.
And I understand that relationships end, I get that we need to let go of toxic behaviors but when she walked away. Everyone that held a special significant place in my heart walked out.

I became overwhelmed with pain to the extent that I became toxic.
I tried to run to someone who I thought would stay there but they just couldn't bear to watch me so fragile and bare, they walked out. Making sure that the remaining components of my heart turned to dust.

My environment grew dark, People started fighting for some form of job security and I took it in me to carry their pain while worrying for myself. I survived, they didn't so while relieve was evident in my face their pain was eating at my soul.

I had other hopes, It'll work out somehow.
But the deeper into the months we get the more drained I get.

I am not okay
2019 is taking a huge toll on me.

Call me ugly, call me dumb
Say I’m boring and no fun.
You can say that I’m a mess,
You don’t have to be impressed.
Just tell me that I’m lazy,
You can even say I’m crazy,
‘Cause it may be somewhat true.
But please, whatever you do
Don’t tell me I’m too sweet,
That my company’s a treat.
Don’t say that I’m too nice a guy
That’s not a reason why.
If you’re not interested that’s fine,
Rather stay friends? Well, I don’t mind.
You could let me down easy,
Or you can say I make you queasy,
Just give me a reason, even blame it on fate
Just don’t blame it on one of my positive traits.
We’re all deeply flawed, you can take your pick
Just don’t choose something I don’t need to fix.

3/20/19

work , needs men, was one era,
environmental limitations
ruled it all
so…
she learned to mask men
with somewhere a lost SHE as HE
her shadow became reality .

21st Century
as environment transformed
she could see back some of SHE
but
the challenge was bigger now
world got stereotyped
and hence continued …
SHE disguised as HE
her masking and unmasking
the switch between shadow and self 

Now
with stage all set for equal opportunities
and diminishing environmental challenges
women to be women
waiting only for that knowledge to flow…
that Era to come…
when she can unmask herself
and
SHE is just SHE.

Have you ever got that giddy feeling
In your gut when everything for the first time felt okay
And then a chill up your spine
Because at some point it would all be thrown away
As if your feelings were controlled like the weather in the sky
And the fall of your whole mood could crash as intensely as that high

Ever got the feeling that you were being watched
From within this world and sometimes not
Like some entity was watching you like you watch the people on TV
Like this whole life you live is nothing more than virtual reality
Now that's a thought that can get really scary

I don't know where I was going with this
But I imagine so much, some pure crazy ****
And at times I find myself sinking deeper in this sand

Rest assured, confidently
This face you see is a mask irresponsive
Colden by previous wars, every wrinkle is a battle wound
The bigger the frown the heavier the wars
Pay more closely, your attention, to this strut
You see this walk, not burdened by this face
The elegant, inviting, nature of my posture
The swiveling of these hips
This face is just a mask irresponsive
Not even Satan himself is able to break it.

One second, i felt fine and everyone once in awhile i would get down but i would get right back up.

Now, I feel as if i only become worse overtime. I don't know where i went or if I'll come back.

People say it's temporary, but its been years of constant struggle and secret pain and a never ending battle with myself.

My whole life feels like a blur and i only remember the worst events in my life or a few rare happy moments.

Pictures are the only way i can jog this fogged memory. Which yet sometimes those photos seem unreal.

Looking at myself in the past I played off everyone by faking it and still do. I look back on photos of me and i don't recognize myself. I see those old photos someone i never knew. Someone, who faked it all.

Now my heart is crushed and bleeds out slowly. As it drips through my body i can feel everyday coming closer to the end of my survival.

My brain isn't scared but my heart is terrified.
My hands won't **** but my head will.
My body isn't well but my heart keeps it a flow.
I may not be who i was back then but pain caused me to become bitter, broken and quiet.

Where did I go? Who am i? Why am i here?

If I were to change a song,
No if I were to write a(n) album,
The music I would write,
Would be based on the situation you are listening to...
Each track named after a vague moment,
Shared by the general different,
And like minded people.
This track is called 'sitting down talking to person's I mean Scott Pilgrim vs. the world did it,
Why can't i?
So prepare world because I have a secret song that will tell you of my life,
Loves,
And the joy of experience,
Listen closely,
That's how you crack the first mask,
But first I'll ask you,
What is this track called?