A thousand thoughts run through my head
Impossible to decode
What they entail
Like trying to tell where a water drop fell into the oceans swell
If it's not a blur then its painful as hell
Coals placed up and down my spine
Where does anyone find the time to get their feelings in line while keeping the appearance to be fine
I often sit in the darkness with the small light of hope
My mistakes woven thick into a rope
Tied around the tree grown by the seeds sewn into my head
To seek help is to burden others
To be myself is to over think
I can only take so much more weight before i finally sink
Id rather bite the hand that feeds myself
Id rather drown slowly than ask for help
My insecurities speak louder than anything else

With this shovel passed down to me ill bury my heart mind and soul
My body will be left to decompose outside of the hole
Maybe then the child I never got to be will grow again
Maybe then the worlds worth of weights will be lifted

Like king Midas
Everything i touch dies
When it appears to turn to gold
So take your hand in mine
And lead me down this lonely road
So take your hand in mine
And leave me all alone
I can't control the direction that we go
Tie sails to our minds then let them flow
But my sail has nowhere to go
The strings aren't strong enough to hold
So they break
Along with my sanity
My own words float around my head like debris from a hurricane
Nothing is relative but pain
This world has made me change
This world has caused all of my emotions to rearrange
Behind doors i only have a few keys for
So i cross through them often
Treading harder each time
I drag mud and leaves from one to the other
Back and forth
I'll track the feelings back to the source
And **** it
Staring into it's eyes as it begs and pleads trying to make things right
I am ending this fight
It's getting harder to sleep each night
I often witness the start of daylight
Bask in the warmth
Transcending through my window
Where i end up I'll probably never know

I'm still not ready

I will share with you
My empire of dirt
If you should ever decide to cast me out
Through the heavens I'll fall
I do not blame you at all
For i have nothing to give
But im sure as hell going to try
To give you all that's left of me
Maybe we can build something new
We can take a walk in eachothers shoes
And make sure the laces stay tied
As the soles wear away i can learn to confide
If we ever trip or break our stride
Feel free to bind the strings and throw them over a telephone line
To come back to another time
They will not wither
They will not break
If they ever fall
The ground will shake
And let us know its time to come back home
No two souls are destined to be alone
Our spirits have bathed in one anothers glow
The scent is one they've grown to know
Held hands throughout the cold
And will surely hold fast as destruction surrounds the place we call home

I adore you and you alone

Make my heart your home
Come in and lie with me
I don't care what mud you've been drug through
You don't even have to wipe your feet

The sensation of loneliness is imminent
Being fully aware of this is a curse
I want to hold a heart in my hand
Just as i want mine held
Use my frail body as a shield
Our two souls i will meld
                    //
I want to open my exoskeletal barrier
To a soul so beautiful
And shell to match
A rare combination indeed
For all souls can be considered beautiful
But so few to myself
I haven't felt a genuine connection in so long
I forget what it's like
Embraces mean nothing
If you don't care about their life
I will know the right one when they reveal themselves
If they still exist on this earth
One soul splits in two
When we are placed here at birth
Feeling the blatant comfort of someone
Is not a comfort I've truly known
But as close as I've gotten
I'll attempt to build a throne
For our amorous thoughts to sit
High and mighty
It shines too bright for the temptation of abandon to seep in
I will soak up all of your fear and anxiety
With every kiss
Then spit all your pain into small viles
And paint you a picture with it
A letter to the earth
And everything above
Nothing will strip you and i
Of our love

We are inseparable
Even if i don't know you yet

I am not pure
My shell is cracked and eroded in most places
Many have chiseled me away
And took the remains
The light grows dim on the inside
So dim it's no longer appealing to make a home
I am destined to crumble alone
Much like a puzzle undesired because few or more pieces are gone
I don't place the blame on anyone but my own
I often wonder if there's a another out there with a light inside that's not so bright
I want to see their face
So we can crumble at eachothers feet
Our componants will mix together
And form a beautiful masterpiece

Forever isn't relative

I once was an angel
The galaxy held me close
My star exploded
When i needed it the most
Down to earth i fall
Bones breaking through the atmosphere
To the surface i drop
I go right through
This is not my stop
Things are getting warm
I feel like I'm at home
My demons are present again
Oh how glad i am i made friends with them
I descend further
Where i stop I'll never know
I still hold a piece of your soul
Wherever i go
Hell isn't a fiery hole
You escape it when you're dead
The hell you and i know
Is only present in our heads

Your thoughts are a danger to you and i
They lay bricks in your head making you unable to fly
Building giant tombs in your mind
Making a peaceful place for your dreams to die
I will not allow it this time
Into your head i will go
Gently but effective
I will eat your demons whole
And all the negativity that flows through them
Will become a part of me
I refuse to let them take you down
Not this time
Empty out your hopeless head
And pour it into mine
I'll turn their skulls into bowls to catch the overflow
Tear off their wings and sew them to your back
I want to see you soar
Far away from their attack

I'll cut my own wings off
If it means keeping your soul intact

I hope i meet you soon

Open a floodgate of emotion
The motion of the ocean
Stick your hands through my chest so i can feel the devotion
Pulsing
Twisting
Unfolding
My heart in your hands
Eat it whole so i can feel safe again

Your personal markings are blurry

Mother moon
Father earth
Why have i been cursed since birth
Brother trees
Sister breeze
Why must you mock me when i can't stand on my own two
feet
Because I'm constantly knocking myself down
Internal fist fights in which i slam my own face into the ground
My heart doesn't pound
It has a slow steady beat
Much like an army who has just faced defeat
Its become less of a mind state and more of a disease

We don't even know eachother but your name echoes through my head

Like a solemn comforting whisper while i lay awake at four am in bed

I hope our paths cross eternally

Death has made a quiet little cozy home in my head
Sometimes I creep into bed with it
And watch it sleep
Wondering when it will caress my cheek
Begging not to take anything else but me
And so if it decided to return
Id go willingly
I'll float through time and space
Watching everything happen at a speed of light pace
Hopefully my loved ones move on and forget
They don't deserve any type of fear or regret
Ascending through the ozone and into sun



Where do i go from here

Is there love out there for someone like me?
As cliche as a small excerpt like this might be
I can't help but wonder
Will there ever be someone who sees me like lightening and my voice like thunder
Following you around like your own personal little cloud of rain
A muse who understands my pain
Its not easy to believe in someone
This i know
For my past endeavors have told me so
I often fantasize about it
What its like for someone to know my demons in and out
Its a double edged sword
It has to be
For another human to understand
They'd have to be as crazy as me
I want to connect on a level where our fingertips create small worlds
And our bodies create galaxies
Just by simply touching

And then there's nothing

The internal clock winds down another year
Time keeps going by faster i fear
How much longer am i supposed to be here
That's not up for me to decide
Or is it
Who knows anymore
Certainly not me
Counted my birthdays on five year intervals with my fingers and toes
I've ran out
Twenty one years old still so very concerned with what life is about
I'm wasting time
Or am i
Who knows anymore
Am i still in my youth
What little youth i had
You tend to grow up very fast when self loathing thoughts are all you've ever had
Praying to a god to relieve you of always being so sad
Relative to everything that's happened in the past
I cannot release this hot burning coal
Its not as simple as letting things go

I sleep on a bed of nails
Every day when i get up i stick the sharp objects right into my back even though they were left by everyone else
All different shapes and sizes
Finger prints on the handles as well
Very individual characteristics of the weapons themselves
Alternate methods i can still feel the pain of being impaled
Most people tear the blades out throw them to the ground
Not me
They're the only thing still connected to the memories of what its like to feel
I refuse to let these wounds heal
Being in contact with trustworthy souls becomes surreal
One day I'm sure I'll come to terms with what's actually real
Until then I'm content with bleeding day in and day out
Just to get that sliver of compassion to seek out and nurture my spirit while i lay completely still
someday ill be able to sheath all this metal and continue on with my journey
Right now my hope is my attorney and his case is very weak
Someday I'll remember what its like to be strong
Then I'll strive harder then ever before
The key to unlock this door is buried deep inside my heart
Which is heavily guarded by my mind
I'm running out of time
There's still a part of me that doesn't want to die
I'll keep bringing him supplies so maybe he can fly
Little by little

Its hard to think about numbness taking away huge chunks of me as a person
It keeps eating away at parts of my internal wiring until there's nothing but bare metal
Depression has somehow become a trend
Id gladly trade places with any of you to feel again
Please
Take this plague from my body
Take the weights off of my soul
I am losing control
I truly ache for anyone who can truly relate to this indifferent identity
I wouldn't wish this sickness upon my worse enemy
My mind screams so loud i expect every last ******* entity on this earth to hear it
Death to anyone who opposes my spirit
Even if its myself
I am past the point of help
My malfunctioned parts collect dust on a shelf
Self inflicted surgery at the time seemed to be the only way to ensure my health
There are pictures hanging everywhere of my body with the face cut out
I find no solace in how i look now
I've broken every mirror in my house
21 years of bad luck no reason to stop now
Encase me in cement and break me across the ground
So i can taste the dirt and get kicked around
One last time

If my life were a movie
It'd be the one where the hero didn't win
If the hero is even a hero at all
Everything I've ever done wrong etched into my memory before i take the final fall
My soul no longer cries out
My mind has done a good job of sewing it's mouth shut
I'm too much of a coward to end it all
Through my head the thoughts will continue to crawl
They've planted a tree
As far as they could deep down inside of me
Its roots in my feet
Its branches grow twisted within me as i sleep
Cut me down

If everyone has their own demons to fight
I am too weak to continue
If everyone is able to still go on with their day to day life
I don't possess the same strength that is within you

Chisel me away
I've given you the hammer and all my weak points
So you start
With little strength starting with all my ligaments and joints
You don't tear them
Very precise and careful like you know exact what you're doing
I should've learned from the past
Even though everyone tells and teaches not to take it with you
How can i forget when its in repetition and tied to the strings on my shoes
I have adapted to the hurt
Or lack there of
The sight of you doesn't make me sick anymore
Just an itch in the back of my throat that i still can't stand
You didn't rip out my heart or make me question who i am
You just simply made me feel like i wasn't worth it
Or anything at all
Dirt beneath your feet
I've dug through every inch of my body and ripped out your disease
Burned the bridge that connected our hearts and minds
I hope you do the same
As methodically and perfect as me
Because when you're digging through old love notes i don't want you to feel a thing when you find
Any residue of my feelings
Because they were a mistake
A mistake not so grave
You weren't the best or the worst
Just somewhere in the middle
Very forgettable
In all you're insecure self loathing beauty
You know my nature and all i stand for
A deliberate betrayel that i seen from a mile away
The itch is gone
And so are you

The truth is i get infatuated with any girl who puts up with my ****
From walking straight to bounding
From beating straight to pounding
I make myself sick
My mind is a revolving door that will never stick

The feeling
Of connecting with the city on such a deep level
Sticking my hands through structures and pulling colored lines out
The rush that i get get is what it's all about
***** finger nails and stained clothes come with the territory
Nothing, and i mean nothing can compare to staring at the dim lit concrete behemoth from the seventh story

I love picking at my old wounds
I can't escape my past
Id love to tell you goodbye
But my dear depression
You are here to last

Were you really worth it
When you stretched the truth over your bones
You chose to be alone

Alone with your altered mind
I hope the next time you light something and breath it in your throat catches on fire

Take in the noxious fumes of tempted desire

You were nothing but a liar

The repetition is uncanny

You are in my head
But there's not many of you left
I am now in alliance with the negativity
My good thoughts are retreating from myself
I've spent many nights trying to get my mind aligned
And Watching horror movies hoping the killer was fine
I've lost track of time.

This writing is in memoriam to my hopes and dreams becoming a crime

Self destruction is easier than it looks.

I'm having trouble getting out of bed lately.
It seems id rather dream because that's the only place i don't hate me.

Cynicism is my confucianism bury my coffin shallow so i can still fell the rain.

I can't stand the lack of pain.

I've been pacing for seven years now
Dug myself into a deep dark trench
The worst part about it is I've known about it but i couldn't stop
I know when things are important but i struggle with the motivation to give a single ****
It's not a term i use lightly
I want to but it's easier to run
But I've backed myself into a corner and given my past a loaded gun
Regrets are heavy
Placed so delicately on my shoulders day by day
But my knees are getting weak
It's like getting stabbed over and over again with a dull knife
It'll never penetrate but it still hurts right
I'm slowly losing this fight
It never fails to haunt me
Every single night.

I'm not afraid I'm just weak.

Though there have been harsh words in the past i miss you more than id like to admit. I no longer feel the chains that bound me to your anchor but like any other choice ive made here i am filled with regret. Regret for what though? Being used as a convenience? I honestly cant believe it took me this long to see this. Thats love though, shining a light so bright in your eyes you cant see whats on the inside. Im sincerely grateful we didn't end up as one because the things you do to those who you "love" would shatter my perception on who you actually are. You hide behind the beauty and tears. Running from your fears while tripping your loved ones hoping itll take them instead. Ive never quite known someone like you and i hope i dont again. I wish nothing but the best for you "friend."

I have a trinket
I hold the world in my palms
And in the world i hold a woman who owns a voice that calms
This trinket is not magic
It's a godsend in disguise
And it harbors the words of a woman
With bright blue sky eyes
Now the distance is quite an issue
But it won't hold our demise
There are many miles ahead
And time is on our side
So I'll just lay here awake
Chatting away with someone in which i confide
And maybe one day I'll get a package
Marked precious cargo with you wrapped up inside

How is possible to miss someone you never knew
Is knowing defined by how long they've been there or how much you've grown partial to
I fall in love with someone everywhere i go
Its the mental image of me being happy with someone i don't even know
Or just found out existed
The cycles of the seasons rewind to a brighter idea throughout my twisted reasons
I feel sickened to think about strangers this way
Solely off appearance they're able to give my hope a place for its head to lay
Its the feeling of making eye contact with someone extremely alluring when they walk by
When your heart sinks to the deepest depths where all your fears and flaws hide
To know you'd never have a chance to have them in your life
Cowardice has a death grip

I feel so pathetic at times like this
Eyes closed but mind wide open into the sharpened abyss
I see you passionately making love to another man
I see a silver engraved dagger shaking in my hands
I creep quietly through the room
Both of you know not of my existence
As you layed there before me
The knife glides right through him and into you
You don't even gasp its like you knew the fortune before the torment
its like i could understand what our clothes on the floor meant
i couldn't bare to see the sight i saw
As the words seep out through the wounds just underneath your jaw
There couldn't be any witnesses around to see
Me murderer the man i used to be