I will be honest
I just want to write anything about you
Even though the words are buried lately
Under all the highways in between us
And even through the silence
I am too far to hear your love

Maybe I feel this
Need to engrave you with my ink
So I will never forget how to feel you

They taught us to swim to the dark.
And that anything more than *******
is a fetish, and fetishes are grose.
Never run with something in your mouth,
never leave your room empty-handed,
never touch yourself.
Do what makes you rich, not happy.
And be a feminist, but make sure you spoil your husband,
cause when he cheats it's your fault.
Wear **** underwear from lace
under your knee-long skirt.
And no matter what happens,
swim to the dark.

Take me to your island and
wrap me with your words
or hands and write mine
down
in inkt on your skin.
Pull me back and forth up and
down
untill I dance in fear and
can only find shelter in you.
Lock me to your arms or
your arms to me give me
all the invisible strength.
Use me as long as there's something and
leave me come back.
Steal me from myself and loose me.
But whatever you do love,
please don't break my heart.

We stood in the shower
As I gave you a vow
And as you let me take all the water
You repeated

*I promise
To be faithful and loving
Untill it's empty

Those eyes.
No white at all.
No person behind that look.
Just pure insanity.
Hands shaking.
Throbbing veins.
Sweat.
He told me I'd better leave.

I still don't know if he was high on something.
I can't believe a person can look like that sober.

Back in the car, I couldn't cry.
I didn't understand.
On our way home he called my sister.

You're never going to see me again
It's all your mother's fault.
She never talked about it.

I went to sleep, I needed rest.
Because the six months after that
I was not going to sleep a lot.
Afraid that my own father would come
get us
take us away
do terrible things to us.
I never talked about it.

He was lying on top.
I could feel his arrogance while his ***** was dripping out of me.
His **** had turned into an ugly, small piece of wrinkles.
The smell of him that I liked so much before,
was now brutally vanished by the smell of sweat and our juices.
I made clear to him that he had to go, so he left.
All I could think about was how much much I missed her.



This morning he playfully hit me with his umbrella.
Be nice.
He stuck out his tongue as if he was eating me out and said.
You like it when I'm mean.
I almost threw up.

I must admit
I forgot a name on the list
But I am totally behind my theory
Of doing what you want
I swear
I have never felt *****
Or banged my head in the shower
Because this is my idea of fun
And I don't mind thay my name is not remembered
I really don't
Even though I remember
Everything

Father
I see you
And your flaws

I know you never meant to
Always thought you did
And in your way even

I know you'll never
And it wouldn't make
No matter how

You left me
Hurt me

As yours left you
Hurt you

And it was never your intention
To be a bad parent
Or to hurt anyone
When you were a little boy

You are a victim of bad circumstances
Just like me back when you left

But today I leave my victim-self
And finally move on because

Father
I forgive you

I've seen flowers, frozen and buried, come back alive in the spring of the next year.

Children learning how to talk in 52 weeks.

There's proof that masterpieces were made in four season, so I will strongly believe I'll be fine a year after you left.

The tip of his nose to mine,
as our hips moved towards and away.
My arm around his shoulders,
his fingers in my hair.
As he tried to get up to finish,
I automaticly pulled him back in and
cried out:
Stay with me!
He did,
pressed his body against me,
but somehow both of us knew
I wasn't talking about ***.

He wears only innocence
In the profound waters
At the bottom of his adolescent dreams

And I can't help but
To stare at it all
In awe with one toe dipped under

I've tried to write a hundred poems
since the day you left.
I've tried metaphors and spoken word,
But it seems that all I have
Is books filled with i miss you's
And a title i feel sad
How do you put in words
The empty feeling of this bed
Has there been named a word
For craving something that's not mine
I don't know what the fase is called
Between ****** up and fine
I know it's not depression
Humiliation, suffer, rage
The poem to describe this
Would just be an empty page

One was filled with revenge and lust.
I released it in his bare chest,
with my legs wrapped around his waist
and my hair soaked in sweat tingling his face.

One I shot a lady with. On the right side of her head.
She cried. Her body was exposed but protected by the layers of foam,
floating around us.
Her back rested on my breast when I pulled the trigger.
I did it out of love.

I seem to fail
in finding his love
in the arms of
the boys I ****.

Because
even though they want me
like you never did
they leave me
just the same.

And maybe freud was right.
I am looking for a guy
just as scary as you,
just as crazy.
Because the only male attention
younger me got
was the hurting kind.

Never have I walked as long as
the walk home with the image
of you waiting in my bed
in my head.

Honey,
I think they stole the moon.

If I could stretch a moment
Your fingers would still be slightly touching my palm
Writing cirkles in my skin as my heart races
In a certain place

If I could pause the world I'd grab you
As nobody could see us
In a room filled with people
There'd be only you and me

If I could press fast forward
You'd be lying here inside me
Because we all know it will happen
We just don't know when or where

*This tension
I live for this

I saw a chimpanzee baby,
getting raised by a dog.
I saw an elderly man
cut his food for his uncapable wife
and
I saw a young couple looking at them
wanting to grow old together just the same.
I saw my mother
taking care of her new baby
now we have grown up.
I saw my uncle taking care of me
(He knows we haven't).
A woman trying to find a childs new home.
A child saving an ant from death.
And a boy replacing a girl's bad memories with good ones.
It reminds me, that it's not so bad.

My longues panick the moment my brains project the memories of you on the inside of my eyes.
And I could spend the rest of my life thinking about your choices but never making mine.

You were gorgeous in the summer with your hair dark and your stronger growing love for me.
And you were destructive and ice cold when winter started and you decided to choose honesty.

Seven months went by and little changed because still nobody knows how to trigger me like you.
They are flashlights and candles and torches and some of them stars, but lover you were the moon.

To the two year old baby,
trapped in the body of a 31 year old man.
To the young lovers keeping eachothers addiction alive.
To the boy who got kicked out of school at 6,
for being agressive.
To the kitten of my neighbours, throwing up worms.
To the lady in the supermarket, with new shades of blue on her face every week.
To the people in the bar, all escaping something else.
To the ginger girl who was never understood, just diagnosed.

I want to apologise in the name of everybody who did not love you as much as you needed them to.

You came here for the last time
About a month ago
I snorted up your scent the last time
When I was finally ready to clean our sheets
We had our last talk about us
I still hear the words echoing around this building
Our last party has finished
The tickets sold and given away
For the last time you gave me a kiss
Though it tasted like guilt
I think today I told the last person you left
Slowly there's no evidence left
That we ever were more than this

I can not let go now
But last time after last time
I'm letting it be

What if every person
gets the same amount of heartbeats
And every minute filled with stress
anger or
even excitement
will take seconds of your life?

All I know is I would fall
in love with you anyway.

Get up girl, don't harm yourself
Dry your salty face
Fix your make-up, grab some clothes
Look for a little change

Go out the door, into the city
Wait on the corner for one's help
Use your big eyes, the sweetest voice
Or be tough and try it yourself

Now find a place with a little peace
Ignore those staring looks
Sit down and light a cigarette
You know what's left to do

Load it, twist it, light it up
Slowly breathe her in
Close your eyes and clear your mind
It's okay to let her win

Don't think about what's happening
For now there's no more pain
You're not really alone, girl
Cause you've still got Mary Jane

Her warmth will fill your body up
Your troubles turn to dust
You think of what your tears were for
But you magicly forgot

Now go home girl and rest your head
It's been a quite hard day
And if tomorrow's harder
There's your secret runaway

Wrap my hands tight to your bedframe
tickle softly on my arms
use your tie to tie my feet up
so my legs are wide apart

As you make me think you'll kiss me
hold a hand behind my head
And the moment that our lips touch
grab my hair and pull it back

Put your body in between me
be my master everytime
that I push my hips towards you
to get your flesh so deep in mine

Make me rules and make me break them
for I crave your punishments
Comfort my skin after and
drown me in your sentiment.

Her hair was painfully black and strong enough to end wars with
Her eyes reminded men of the sea
Just as intimidating as intriguing
And she would sing her serenades to the moon
And they would break their necks just to stare at her
This goddess trapped on earth

Poor Medusa
All she wanted was to be loved

You trace my skin with your eyes,
And your lips follow.
(My body tenses)
Up my breast, down my spine,
Thigh, mouth, thigh, neck, oh ****.
(Try to breathe)
You shower me with kisses
And you hold me with your smile.
I feel you. We are the same.
You sleep with at least one inch against me.
(You held my hand when we walked home)
You care.

I give up, I'm in love.

I felt like
I was the only one to hear
That kind of darkness in her voice
She will always disagree with me
Just to have power over me
I'm your mother, I know how you feel
Do you? Do you really believe that?
Like you never looked away?
Like you've never made it worse?
Because I can remember
You picking my wounds
And leaving me over and over
(At least he only left once)
I did everything for you
I gave up my life for you
I never asked you to, mom
I never asked you for anything
But now I am
For the safety you could never provide me with
*I'm your mother
You owe your life to me

I found a picture of our family
about thirteen years ago.
You look at us
with pride and love.
Yesterday I saw you walking around your house
and I couldn't help but wonder
What has happened within those years
that made you lost your strength?
Who transformed you from
strongest woman I knew
to
exhausted and scared?

We all have the right to choose
our own way to misery.

On some days she dances
and sings
it sounds terrible,
but it looks sweet
and careless.
She holds me and calls me
her sister-figure,
and I just follow her
with my eyes and
hold on to the moment
with every muscle that I own.

Some days her eyes remind me
of the last time I saw him.
They're not hers,
and she does things that nobody
understands
and she scares me.

Some days she breaks down
and lies crying
and screaming
next to our feet.
And she lets us touch her
to pick her up,
and for a moment I see her
as she is.

She is a lot of things.
Just as crazy
as unhappy.

I have this thing for fathers.
The smell of a safe lap and
the feeling of strong arms
with big hands. Dark hair
on them, just like the first man
who ever hurt me, by
leaving me alone.

I have this thing for boys,
for virgins. The look in their
eyes when they see my skin
uncovered. Just like the first
boy who broke my heart.

I have this thing for cheaters.
who confess and than choke
in self pity.

For birds, broken wings,
fallen from their nest,
who I can offer my
life. Untill they fly.

My first poem was about you.
I bet you can't remember. You promised me you'd come visit me that summer.
Because you missed me.
I was about about five years old. At that age I still believed in promises.
You never came.
In fact, I never saw you after that.

I saw fathers around me.
Carrying their children on their shoulders.
Mom couldn't, she's not that strong.
I saw them, kissing mothers, with their children in the middle.
I kiss my mother. She needs it.

Once, in class, I wrote your name in my notebook.
With the words 'I miss my dad'
Got detention for messing up my homework.

I think about you dying. And I wonder what I'd feel.
I hope your ghost will also never keep his promises.

I have five sweaters of him in my room.
Because he never says no to me.
He lit my cigarette once,
when I was bathing and my hands were wet.
He taught me how to cook, how to climb,
how to like peanutbutter.
When I feel like ****, he calls me.
Because he feels there's something wrong.
He tells everybody I'm his daughter.
Even when my sister is around.
He tells my mother to man up.
And my friends to try acid.
He likes every single boyfriend I have.
Never thinks I'm making bad decisions.
He takes me with him to France.

I love him more than anybody in this world.
I don't need a father. I have him.

If I could inject your attention,
I would never have enough needles.
My nights tend to become a chase for the rush your hands on my thighs give me.
I jump and crawl and I am proud to be your marionette,
but my waiting will not be patient untill you pick me up.

Use me.
I want to arouse your ego when you lack somebody better.
Please, let me feed you my strength.

You are so beautiful.
Why do you even doubt yourself?
You are filled with love and care.
You comfort your friends and family
while you're fighting your own battles.
You're like a free hotel.
The shelter for every hangover.
You're smart.
No, intelligent.
You have all the right ideas about life,
about how to treat eachother.
You're creative.
Funny.
You're not afraid of spiders and hate putting on make-up.
You're independent.
18 years old in your own house,
a study you are paying yourselve.
You are strong.
3 years of anxiety could not knock you down.
You're openminded.
You see the story behind the deeds.
You're funny and positive.
And you can be insanely happy with a christmastree or a wink.
You can cook and dance and climb.
You can be sober and have the best night.
You're sensitive and compassionate.

You are so beautiful.

I have a list in my head of things I really want. It goes something like this.

- A house where I can live in for as long as I want, with a nice kitchen and maybe a cat.
- Some friends that really love me for me and make me happier then without them.
- The possibilities to travel wherever and whenever I want.
- A job I enjoy and a body that works.

So for me, this list is the ultimate state of happiness. It occured to me that a boyfriend or husband or lovelife is not on this list. That's why I really wonder: how come I spend everyday thinking about that and trying to fix that part of my life instead of the others?

And I love to bump into you at 7 in the morning
When I'm on my way to shower
And you're staring at a loaf of bread
For even at the darkest hour of day
Just before dawn breaks
It always brightens my day to see you, friend.

Your smile is like almost missing the last train home but than the conductor waits for you.
Like that connection with a customer on a long day of work.
The moment you realise there's just 4 weeks till summer.
A 10 euro bill in your pocket right before the washing machine.

It's too cliche to compare your smile to sunshine,
but it's the warmth on my face on a dutch day in autumn.

I came out of the shower
and somehow ended up
staring at the mirror
Tears streaming down my cheeks

You heard me
Picked me up
Carried me to bed

Don't say those things about yourself
You're not a monster
You meant every word you said

But look at me
I cried
You're gorgeous
And you started kissing
every inch of damaged me

You put a spell on me that night
with every kiss you planted
and though my skin got better

my heart never revalidated
from the love you burnt it with

Your poems. your words.
They shiver me, my spine weakens.
Your details, your roughness.
My mouth waters. My hands contract.
Your sentences content no fuss.
You're writing truth. You're killing me.
My eyes conclude. My lips unlock.

How I'd love us to use eachother,
feed our ego's with the taste of skin
take advantage of these stirless bodies,
but your words are all I know.

I can't promise you much
Not that I will give you what you need
Or what you want even
Not that I will be able to keep myself together
That I won't break down completely
And hurt you in the process
I can't promise you I'll be here for always
Not even for next year
I can't promise you I will take care of you the way you did of me
Or that I'll be brave like you were
Instead of running away frightened
I wish I could
But I cannot

All I can promise you
Is I will try to return all the love you give me
Return it multiplied and warmed up
I will try and face my fears
Even the deepest, darkest ones
And I will do everything I can to make this work
Because never in my life
Have I believed in love more than I do
Now that I love you
And I hope that's enough

He was destructively rememberable and i blame it on the echo
that fell from his lips everytime i made him smile

It would elegantly fly around in unspoken discomforts then
land on my ears in the form of a
goodbye

Don't ask me those questions
for I have no idea why I am like this either.
All I know is how I'd be easier without his abscense.
Don't ask me what I want
because I don't know how to analyse these feelings
let alone turn them in words.

Please don't ask me
and just be here just close enough for me to grab
and figure out everything at the speed of zero
as I trace you
Up
and
Down
and
as I look at you and put all the pain in my eyes
I hope you can read it.

I just don't know the answers.

I wish I still smoked
So I could sit on my roof inhaling this misery.

My memories of you are so playful and sweet
(Only since that day they got this undertone of heartbreak)

It was like this roller coaster of falling in love, the one we all know.
But right at my highest point, when I could see the whole city and my heart was racing and you were holding my hand

Right there
You woke me up

And now I will never know how scary and fun the rest of the ride would be. All I know is how I will dream of the possibilities for the rest of my life.

Why do we enjoy
Breaking our hearts so much?
We share images of terror
From the other side of this world
Then call it ‘beautiful’
We listen to music
That tears our soul to pieces
We watch movies
That we know will end in tears
But most importantly
We fall in love
Like it’s not the number one cause for broken hearts.

Two long and thin legs,
wrapped tight in see-through fabric.
Her walk was destructing and suspicious,
never looked you in the eye.
Her hair was a faded version of the red it used to be,
and her eyes rested deeper
and cold.
She always wore one hand in her pocket,
firmly holding a key.
Just in case, she said.
Those things happen.
Not one person in town had never seen her
with a plastic bag
or a cigarette.
Not a single person hadn't seen her walk.
Only never towards home.

I have this tendency
Of wanting to be loved most
By those who do not see me
For rejection never hurts that much
When we could have seen it coming.



*But I can see you
All of you
From your nervous giggles
To your restless heart
And I won't stop staring
Until you feel my love and
Accept it all at once.
You will never see it coming.

You and I
We fit so much better in silence
Because when it comes to love
I find
Nothing can ruin a moment
Like the question and the answer to
How was your day

I never saw a place like this.
With so many homeless people, junkies.
Every bench contains a hobo,
blurred ink on swollen vains.
Hasty tags fill the ******-on walls.
Eyes shoot through these streets,
dull, no spark of hope nor happiness.
Beautiful men without teeth,
digging through my garbage.
Sunken mouths and hollow hearts.

I realised something last night
About how I can
learn from my mistakes
and maybe even correct them
how I can grow and
stand up and
carry on
But after more than 10 years it
still all comes down to
*Darling
Don't leave me

I loved you so much harder than I did myself
The same way I love everyone
Because when I saw you
The details didn't catch my eye
Your selfishness and your apathy
I saw your soul
And I focused on it until there was nothing else left of you
The same way I always do

At the end of every day
I wash of everyone I have loved
I rinse their souls out of me
And I stand in front of the mirror
Naked
Searching for mine

Good morning lover,
I am still watching the stars
While yours are long hidden behind the hectic of your world
And I just wanted to explain to you something
Before I close my eyes

You see, I want you to know
That anger is always rooted by powerlessness
And pain will always come from love
How with you so far away
All my senses lost their mind
And I feel only from my longing for you

There is nothing else
Nothing more
But the space you are not occupying