when you smile
when you laugh
volcanic eruptions of joy and happiness flow over me like molten lava.
eventually the joy cools and hardens to my body.
I find myself trapped
trapped in your happiness.
It seems odd
the comparison
of
happiness
and
trapped.
layer after layer flows over me
completely suffocating me
unable to move
caught
in the clutches of the great antithesis of happiness and suffocation

11:08

I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. all I want is you and I can’t have you. you are the only person I truly care about and I need you.
who needs who?
my mother asks
 if it's mutual

that’s how you know it’s real 

11:09

crying now

I imagine as i lay on my bed

that the pillow is you

as I trace the lines of your absent body an overwhelming feeling of
emptiness
occurs

the feeling 
you get when something you lost is right in front of your face but you can’t seem to find it

consumes me

11:10

I want you

I need you

I miss you

I (insert verb here) you

I love you

11:11

I wished for you

I wish for you

I’m wishing for you

he's mine.
he always will be
no matter what
even if we're both married to different people
and do different things in our lives
he'll always be mine.

he got better
he went from one extreme to the other

he went from

caring to much about what everyone thought about him
to
literally giving no ***** about anything.
when his depression was really bad he used it as his
shield
his excuse for everything
he developed, in a sense, an invincibility.
so that whenever something was wrong he could blame the
depression.
now he's created a new sense of invincibility
because he honestly believes
he can do whatever he wants
and it won't effect people because he just doesn't care and is oblivious to consequences

Why is it that when a girl calls herself beautiful, pretty, hot, or attractive, it gets looked upon as being self-conceited?
Why is it such a bad thing for girls to love themselves and recognize their own beauty?
Why do we always apologize for things that aren’t are fault?
Why do we use mirrors to point out every single flaw instead of using them to recognize every inch of beauty that is in you?
Why do we spend all our time wishing that we were someone else?
Why do we hurt ourselves in order to be successful in the eyes of society? Why is it so hard for us to accept ourselves and know ourselves?

sometimes I wish I was blind because then I could never see what other people thought of me and all I would hear is the lies they feed my through their mouths. I wish I was blind so that I wouldn’t have go see their hesitant faces show unspoken word about how they really feel. I wish I was bind because I would see the real beauty in people: the invisible kind. I wish I was blind so that I would take more time to listen. I wish I was blind so that I could feel rather and see if I look good. I wish I was blind so that I wouldn’t have to compare myself to everyone else. I wish I was blind because I could match the darkness inside my head with my sight.

ideal: a person or thing regarded as perfect.
perfect does not exist.
perfect does not exist.
I stopped believing in the concept of being perfect when I started hurting myself while trying to literally squeeze into  the mold of the so called shape that was viewed as “perfect”.

I use the words "depressed" and "sad" interchangeably because there's something about the innocence of the word 'sad' that makes people listen

the plan was not to fall in love
never to fall into the embrace of you
never to long for the constant touch of your lips
never to crave your touch
never to get lost in your smile and laugh
never to adore your voice whispering thoughtful phrases
never to be consumed by your mind and ideas
never to want you so badly
and now I'm stuck
between my mind and my life