Drunk,
you called for me to catch up

Drunk,
you bowed and kissed my hand
and asked me to curtesy

Drunk,
you offered up your arm to me
and laughed when you somehow managed
to mess that up

Drunk,
you kissed me on the corner
with the lights of the cars around us

Drunk,
you held my hand as we walked
and did not flinch as others passed us

Drunk,
you wrapped your arm around my waist
in front of your friends
and held me tighter
than you ever have

In the morning,
I find out that you were sober
and my heart skips a beat

Not all bridges are made of wood,
you tell me,
when I ask you why you have not yet
set fire to the pathway
that connects us

Some of the ugliest structures
are the ones that last the longest-
the ones where you can see the insides
and there is no masking
the wear and tear
of years of rain and wind and snow

Eventually,
those structures become landmarks,
pieces of importance

I realize that our structure
is by far, the ugliest,
and I hate it every time I see it

but I will not remove it

when you smile
when you laugh
volcanic eruptions of joy and happiness flow over me like molten lava.
eventually the joy cools and hardens to my body.
I find myself trapped
trapped in your happiness.
It seems odd
the comparison
of
happiness
and
trapped.
layer after layer flows over me
completely suffocating me
unable to move
caught
in the clutches of the great antithesis of happiness and suffocation

11:08

I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. all I want is you and I can’t have you. you are the only person I truly care about and I need you.
who needs who?
my mother asks
 if it's mutual

that’s how you know it’s real 

11:09

crying now

I imagine as i lay on my bed

that the pillow is you

as I trace the lines of your absent body an overwhelming feeling of
emptiness
occurs

the feeling 
you get when something you lost is right in front of your face but you can’t seem to find it

consumes me

11:10

I want you

I need you

I miss you

I (insert verb here) you

I love you

11:11

I wished for you

I wish for you

I’m wishing for you

he's mine.
he always will be
no matter what
even if we're both married to different people
and do different things in our lives
he'll always be mine.

he got better
he went from one extreme to the other

he went from

caring to much about what everyone thought about him
to
literally giving no ***** about anything.
when his depression was really bad he used it as his
shield
his excuse for everything
he developed, in a sense, an invincibility.
so that whenever something was wrong he could blame the
depression.
now he's created a new sense of invincibility
because he honestly believes
he can do whatever he wants
and it won't effect people because he just doesn't care and is oblivious to consequences

a gas pedal pressed all
the way to the floor
passing all of the lights & not feeling
your heartbeat in the flicker
a quick approaching bend
(& i'm so sorry but)
how i wouldn't slowdown
the split second where time freezes
& my life flashes before my eyes
seeing a worn out repeat of
you walking away
my name rolling off your tongue
one last time
so i can hear it fade out
pinpointing the moment
i completely lost myself
chasing you but
running in place
while time speeds back up
praying in the debris
that there's a parallel universe
where you stayed
these permanent footprints
facing away from me
that show up in the pavement
wherever i go now
every single night
you were in love with me
& the accompanying bottle
the haunting resemblance of
your promises to me
in poems about him
how i've got nothing else to bet on
because you were my all in
this fire you've started
in a forest that was never yours
how much time we would have had
if we measured it in the moments
i loved you the hardest
my apology for
missing you this much  
even though you're still here