I had a dream about you last night.
It was as though the pain of the last 6 months was bundled up into one night's sleep. But at the end of my dream I sent you a text. In it I said, "I go back and forth between hating you and just wishing you would speak to me. There are so many things that I want to tell you. I wanted to tell you about being offered an internship with the Human Rights Campaign this summer and that I can't accept their offer because I can't afford to have an unpaid internship, even if it's an opportunity I've always dreamed of. I'm also waiting to hear back about a paid internship in NYC with DoSomething.org. Even if I don't get the internship, I've been looking for summer full-time jobs all over Iowa and I plan on living on my own this summer. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that I'm stronger than I ever thought and that I can make it on my own. I want to tell you that I'm in love. Not with you, but with someone I never saw coming. Someone who surprises me everyday and makes me not regret anything that happened between you and I because it led me to him. So thanks, I guess.

Dr. Chrystal wrote me a letter of recommendation and although I don't know the standard protocol for students reading their own LOR, he sent me a copy, so I read it. It made me cry. I guess no matter how many times people tell you how "special" you are, it doesn't sink in until you witness them telling someone else what they think about you. Growing up, I was never smart enough. Never pretty enough. Never anything enough to be different; to stand out. But here, it's a different story. For some reason people see something in me that I can't explain. I've been conditioned for so long to see myself as not enough that it's hard for me to believe anything otherwise. I didn't think I was enough for you, and that cost me my best friend. I'm sorry for not letting go. I'm sorry for holding onto what happened, but it's only because you were the first person to really see something in me that I couldn't. And when you left, it made me question everything you ever told me. And whether you deserve to be hated or not, I can't ignore the feeling that you understand what I'm going through. I can't give up the hope that one day you'll look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you deserve to be seen too. Because I think we both need someone to not only listen, but to understand. This ended up not being at all what I wrote in that "dream text", but I don't regret anything that I've ever written you and I'm not going to start now. Shamefully, I will probably continue to write you for the rest of my life. Even if you don't respond, I know that you care about the little stupid things I have to say. When you find someone that sees you, you don't give up when they decide to close their eyes. You wait. And hope that they will get tired of living in the dark. If you read that book that I gave you, you'll understand me when I say that we accept the love we think we deserve. You deserve more than you think. And I'll be here when you decide to open your eyes. Not in the same way as before, but here nonetheless.

Written October 20, 2010*

Shaking hands and words that never end.
Concentration seems impossible;
Seems so improbable.
At least without my medication.

They say it's all in my head.
I say they can all go to Hell,
And I'll meet them there.
Shaking hands and all.

Written August 27, 2007*

A tear
Just one
That's all
Numb.
Can't breathe
Just want to fall
To the ground
Nothing beneath my feet
All I want to do
Is weep.

A thousand tiny needles
Simultaneously
Puncture my heart
I start to bleed.

Seeing you now
Makes me go insane
And worst of all
You'll never know
How much pain
Just One Tear Can Mean.

Written December 7, 2010*

I can't get the words from my head to the paper
They're up there, I know it
Just behind locked doors.

I don't need structure
I don't need a **** thesis statement
What I really need
Is Freedom of Expression.

The DOT: Where dreams go to die
And people go to wait in line
Sit in plastic chairs for hours
Next to mr. homeboy
And some chick that never showers

I'd like to finish this poem,
But they just called my number

Peace out, *******.

Written September 2008*

Can you hear me now?
I'm standing on the front porch
Looking in this empty house
How long was I gone?
And where has everyone gone to?

And who said anything
About leaving me behind?
Cause I received no letter
No message of any kind
And all I want to know is
Why?

Why would you do this to me?
Left me alone
All by myself
Just waiting for you,
Waiting for you
To come back home

Please, come back home.

chipped nail polish
too lazy to do anything about it
I'm not a hipster
I just like old things
and tattered, worn out people.
I think they are beautiful.
what others overlook
I ponder; spend hours
lost in admiration.
I enjoy simple things
like high-fives
and bicycle rides
and the smell of seasons changing.
random piece of string around my wrist.
no special reason.
just for the hell of it.
that's me.
in it for the hell of it.
ADD ridden
but happy none-the-less.
deep in thought.
but not in spirit.
light in peace of mind.
I'm me.
Sarah Jean.
and I'd like to think
that I'm doing pretty alright

Written October 22, 2010*

I Live to Learn
And that's hard to do with a narrow mind
That's why my eyes are open wide
I don't wanna miss a thing
That this world has to offer
Whether it be karma
Or thy Heavenly Father
Don't bother
I think what I want
No one's gonna tell me who to be
Or what to believe
Have a mind of your own
You gotta think for youself
Don't be blindly following somebody else
And never let others expectations
Overshadow what you choose to believe in
I choose to believe
In the possibility of anything
Of everything
So what does that make me?
An Agnostic? Or just simply weak?
Neither. It makes me Free.

Written October 19, 2010*

There's a lot on my mind
That I can't seem to find.
Hidden under useless thoughts
I guess...
It's overcrowded, spilling out.
With Everything,
And the things I need to figure out.

Nothing's clear, and what I fear
Is that it's you,
That's stopping me from being who
I really, truly want to be.
Stopping me
From being really, truly at peace.

But that's not something
That I'm willing to admit.
Not just yet, at least.

I don't want always.
I just want something.
A promise to sleep again at night.
I warned you of the consequences
Of stringing me along,
But I'm still not sure that you heard me.
I promise. I will break your knee-caps if you hurt me.

Sometimes I lie awake
And go through day-by-day
Up until the moment you said,
"I Love you."
I wonder if it was true.
Or if I had something to do
with it.
Like a catalyst.
Pushing you to the point of no return.

I despise my feelings.
They haunt me.
They taunt me.
I can't shake them no matter how I try.

It's not fair.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't even ask for you.
This was all your doing.
You offered me help.
You told me where to go.
You wanted coffee.
You chose to talk to me.
It was you that wanted to play things out.
It was your idea to date me.
You said, "I Love You."
And, "Will you visit me in Oregon?"
I didn't choose to fall in Love.
I didn't want this to happen.
Because I know that things don't work out.
At least not for me.
But I let you in.
I said yes.
I trusted you with everything I had.
I dreamed of a future I never thought I could have.
With you.
Because of you.

So I'm sorry that I'm going a little crazy.
But I don't fall in Love everyday.
And you expecting me to be okay
With you saying that I have to wait,
Is the most terrifying thing.

Just remember:
You did this to me.
Whatever happens next.
Whatever hits the fan.
It's all on you, baby.
Because I did nothing.

When everyone is asleep, my mind is wide awake.
I think of things, and what I'd say if you were right in front of me.
Free from most distractions, it's all but impossible to second guess myself.
Although the daytime is a completely different tale.
Despite this headache and sleepy eyes, I've never felt more alive.
And ready to take on the world.
But I guess that'll have to wait 'til tomorrow.

Poetry is just a bunch of words
Strewn together in different combinations
All with the sole purpose
Of conveying the same message
Just in a new way:

I Love you
I Hate you
I really want to bone you.

I'm happy
Sad
Hurt
Confused
Angry
Frustrated.

My life is great
My life *****.
People ****.

The world is beautiful,
And so are you.
But that's not what's most important.
Because I'd like to bone your brain too.

This poem is a reflection of me.
I am a reflection of circumstance.

Circumstance is random.
Just like this poem.
Just like me.

My hands are numb
And uncooperative as I struggle to write,
"University Bapstist Church"
On this little piece of paper in my hand.
I'm earning my "Beat Mitt" shirt.
November 6th, 2012.
You bet I did my part;
All 2 1/2 hours worth.
Standing outside of Carver Hall.
Nose running. Hands cold.
Wind blowing. No sunlight to keep us warm.
But I didn't do it for the shirt.
I did it to help make some kind of change.
I know I didn't do much,
But at least I did something.
And that's a hell-of-a-lot more than most can say.

My opinions are Loud and so is my laughter.
So if you can handle them both...

          I think we can be Friends.

It's amazing how something so*

                                                                                 simple

Can make you feel so
                                                                               **complex

Written August 2009*

Sometimes I wish that I could go back.
Back to when things were simple.
When your biggest problem was catching cooties,
And watching all the Disney Channel movies.
When school meant coloring and recess.
And growing up meant getting your big kid teeth in.
And the only responsibilities you had,
Were not talking to strangers,
And remembering to feed your cat

I would do anything to start over again;
To get a second chance at everything.
I only have 1 year left of being a kid.
And that’s just not enough. I’m not ready yet.
Not ready to be thrown to the wolves,
Of this terrifying new world called
Adulthood.
A little time is all I want. That’s all I need.
That’s Everything.

Written January 4, 2011*

I've been lying awake thinking of the days when you were mine.
Was it all a mistake? Was it just a big waste of my time?
But it doesn't matter anymore, because we're over and you are gone.
And now I realize that I was wrong about you.

You are nothing more than a scared little boy.
Does it even matter to you how you look in my eyes?
I spent all this time coming to your defense.
But all of my arguements were worthless.
  
Our whole Relationship was clouded by lies.
Along with my Ignorance, allied you and your great disguise.
Oh congratulations. You had me fooled.
But it turns out that the joke is on you.
I can finally see
That I deserve more
Than you ever gave me.
Even if more means being alone
For as long as it takes,
To again feel whole.

Written September 28, 2008*

And I'm sorry
That I couldn't be
Everything
That you wanted of me

And I know
That sorry can't explain
All those feelings inside
The mistakes that I've made

So please tell me
Who I'm supposed to be

Now coming down from that
Long, long road
Seeing you there
A part of me knows
That you and me
We weren't meant to be

So just let go.
Forget about Everything.

Written September 19, 2010*

Remind me again, what happiness feels like.
Because I've come to realize,
That I have no idea.
And I don't know when
This all began.
When my whole world started crashing down
Without a sound;
A silent demolition.

And as the dust settles I come to find
That I am all alone on this destruction site.
To clean up the pieces of my fallen world,
And think How in the world
Did I get here?

Written Summer 2009*

"Keep your head held high, but your feet on the ground."
You used to say to me.
I didn't spend alot of time
With you before you left
But, I do know one thing
That's true to my heart
No matter what
I Love You♥

Sincerely Yours,
Smiley :]

Written May 9, 2011*

You said that something just didn't make sense.
Said you didn't understand.
I promised. I promised.
I swore this time we'd get it right.
I thought, I prayed
That I could keep it.
Keep my word. Hold it tight.
But again, it crashed.
And as your voice cracked
I could hear.
I could tell you felt as if I'd lied.
I tried.
But couldn't spare your heart.
Above everything else,
That hurt the worst.
And my promises came crumbling down.
Falling apart.

No age limit.
Freedom.
Strength.
GREEN!

Don't care if it's a hipster fad.
I Loved you far before the world.
Simplicity of my legs.
Yet so much power behind these things.

You make me throw my OCD needing to rhyme and flow completely out the window.
Well... Sort of.
And yeah, it bugs me that I'm now writing in complete sentences, but I don't even care anymore.

I care about my bike.
And the beauty that it brings to the world.

Written November 2008*

Somtimes when I get bored
My mind starts to wander.
My head flies away to faraway lands
Filled with talking bunnies, skunks, and squirrels
And ticking clocks
Swallowed up.....by alligators.

But even in this rhelm
Of extraordinary things
There is still that boy
Who runs away from me;
My prince charming.

I call to him, To let me in;
To know the secrets in his head.
But still he flies
Into the skies
Of Never-Never Land.

I fear that winter break won't be the only cold front that I face
The holidays will roll around and you will still need more space
I fear that it's not what you say, but what you don't
That is truly telling.

I look at your face. It's not the same
There's a certain kind of love that's missing
What do you do when your one best friend is the one person you can't talk to?
Jesus! All you ever say is, "I'm sorry..." & "Time helps"
And my favorite, "We'll still be great friends, Ashby"

You're such a terrible friend
Your advice is lacking any empathy
And your care is nonexistant.
If we don't have love
And we don't have friendship
What do we have left?
I'm terrified to ask such a question.

I've been doing my part fine
I've been staying in the lines
That go against every fiber of my being
I don't know what to think anymore
Except that you want nothing more
From me.

You don't want us
You don't want we
You just want you...
And me.

I just want answers to questions I've already asked
Shaken off and given little thought
You say you just want what's best
For me
But what I really think
Is that you are a coward.
You're too afraid to be the ******* in this relationship.
But guess what?
You already are.

It would be so easy to think,
"What the hell is wrong with me?"
But that demands an answer
To a question that's wrongly delivered.

It's not me. It's we.
It's circumstance.
And by chance, when we meet again
It will all make sense
And God forbid
We'll actually make it out
Alive.

We could've been great.
We still can be.
Just not now.
Not like this.
We knew it wasn't right,
But we couldn't resist.
And now I'm the one with the short stick
****** over by circumstance.
And your **** conscience.
Which makes me love/hate you even more.

I know we had to play this out.
But now I just think about
What could've been.
Even though it's not over.
Just paused.
My insecureties flood my thoughts.
Poison my brain.
With pessimism
And unwarrented pain.

******.
I wish I could stop rhyming
But I can't.
It's engrained in me.
Like you.
And your old soul.
Your books.
Your words.
Your veiw of the world.

I find so wonderfully parrallel to mine.
I wish you were still mine.
We really could've been something.

I want to do the boring things with you.
Like helping you clean your apartment.
I want to meet your friends,
And introduce you to mine.
I even want to meet your parents,
Even if they are crazy Republicans.

I want to be there for you
When you're stressed
And your whole life is imploding.
I'll be the one to pull you from the wreckage.
Sit with you.
Listen.
Make you feel like you can live again.

I want to hear your problems;
Past and present.
Pretty much,
I just want to know you.
All of you.
The bad.
The embarassing.
Even all the terrible things.
I will Love all of them.
Just as I'm coming to Love you.

Because you ruin my poetry;
My rhyming.
My ability for perfect timing.
All out the window.

I know that Love doesn't just happen overnight.
That it takes time.
But I think sometimes
You can just tell.
I don't Love you yet,
But I know that I will.

I've already pictured our lives in my head.
I don't do that.
I don't think about children
Or holidays.
God forbid, my wedding day.
But with you, it's like things have changed.
Maybe it's just me,
But I really don't think
That this is a one-way thing.
You did this to me.
Of that, I am certain.