I had a dream about you last night.
It was as though the pain of the last 6 months was bundled up into one night's sleep. But at the end of my dream I sent you a text. In it I said, "I go back and forth between hating you and just wishing you would speak to me. There are so many things that I want to tell you. I wanted to tell you about being offered an internship with the Human Rights Campaign this summer and that I can't accept their offer because I can't afford to have an unpaid internship, even if it's an opportunity I've always dreamed of. I'm also waiting to hear back about a paid internship in NYC with DoSomething.org. Even if I don't get the internship, I've been looking for summer full-time jobs all over Iowa and I plan on living on my own this summer. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that I'm stronger than I ever thought and that I can make it on my own. I want to tell you that I'm in love. Not with you, but with someone I never saw coming. Someone who surprises me everyday and makes me not regret anything that happened between you and I because it led me to him. So thanks, I guess.
Dr. Chrystal wrote me a letter of recommendation and although I don't know the standard protocol for students reading their own LOR, he sent me a copy, so I read it. It made me cry. I guess no matter how many times people tell you how "special" you are, it doesn't sink in until you witness them telling someone else what they think about you. Growing up, I was never smart enough. Never pretty enough. Never anything enough to be different; to stand out. But here, it's a different story. For some reason people see something in me that I can't explain. I've been conditioned for so long to see myself as not enough that it's hard for me to believe anything otherwise. I didn't think I was enough for you, and that cost me my best friend. I'm sorry for not letting go. I'm sorry for holding onto what happened, but it's only because you were the first person to really see something in me that I couldn't. And when you left, it made me question everything you ever told me. And whether you deserve to be hated or not, I can't ignore the feeling that you understand what I'm going through. I can't give up the hope that one day you'll look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you deserve to be seen too. Because I think we both need someone to not only listen, but to understand. This ended up not being at all what I wrote in that "dream text", but I don't regret anything that I've ever written you and I'm not going to start now. Shamefully, I will probably continue to write you for the rest of my life. Even if you don't respond, I know that you care about the little stupid things I have to say. When you find someone that sees you, you don't give up when they decide to close their eyes. You wait. And hope that they will get tired of living in the dark. If you read that book that I gave you, you'll understand me when I say that we accept the love we think we deserve. You deserve more than you think. And I'll be here when you decide to open your eyes. Not in the same way as before, but here nonetheless.