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eleanora santino Aug 2019
a conflict of sorts:
i am trying to help myself
but am i making it worse?
are you my only option?
will you redeem me?
do i ask all the wrong questions?
are my reflection and i the same?
who is it that i want to be?
one i chase so desperately?
what is her name?

all that i used to be
is now so forgotten
unknown; she is foreign
separation of my mind
i can't understand it
all pieces tried to help me
yet fed me with lies
reality, perception
who can really tell the difference?
i know what my part of life is made of
...but what about the rest?
my ability to write came back and this is what i produced.
eleanora santino Aug 2019
not happy but content.
stable but not healed.
rebirthing but not quite alive.
we'll be alright.
eleanora santino Apr 2019
i look at you and feel a tug at my heart
your child-like eyes speak to me
i look at you and i know you are lost
sometimes i wonder if you see just how much you could be
if you trusted in something other than this
with all the tears in your eyes i wonder how you see
i look at you and i know you do not know who you are
every time you talk it comes out as a stutter
because inside you are always at war
but we cannot apologize for the actions of others
we cannot change their ways
and you cannot go back to the past
it is too far away.
i wrote this poem for my mother who i've misunderstood and within this year have regained respect and sympathy for. i have a hard time expressing how i feel towards people no matter how dear they are to me, so i had to let out these emotions through this little poem i wrote not long ago.
eleanora santino Jul 2019
silence the odd man out
he ain't got nothing important to say
freedom is something he can live without
when the sun comes out hide your eyes
ignore the beauty and wait for the night
keep yourself secluded
live your empty life
keep yourself deluded
that is your right
i feel that i am always being told to keep my thoughts and views to myself, and to an extent i can see why, but i believe everyone should have the right to express their thoughts. be kind and be understanding.
eleanora santino Aug 2020
today
i thank the sun
for its light
and warmth
i am kin to the earth
no longer afflicted
with a muddy mind
i am green now
i have grown.
all i can do is grow. it's my only option.
eleanora santino Nov 2019
at the end of the day
it'll happen again
just like before
and there i'll be
dead on the floor
eleanora santino Jul 2019
nothing lasts forever
how hard is that for me to grasp?
you are here now
you won't be here later
are you bored of me at last?
you know it
you know i love you
but are you too afraid to ask?
because you know you cannot say it back?
keep me around
to heal you willingly
to give you a part of me
stupidly
not all hurt is physical
mutual feelings not always symmetrical
you aren't wrong
nor are you evil
just bored
just gone
what i cannot say to the one i love.
eleanora santino Sep 2020
i have many weights sleeping on my heart.
distraction brings no solace,
escapism not a change in scenery.
pain is a tree of replacement,
my suffering the blood of their fruit,
my flesh the main victim.
a collaboration of gnawing and burning truths
what else would make this life, a life
if not the wretched deal
of karmic strife?
when the wound passes through clear,
a hole in my chest,
the ringing of my ears,
only then must i talk to the pain.
to look the dark in the eye
and to find their hiding spots.
but until then,
i will think about what to say.
i have much i would like to say to my pain. much to ask.
eleanora santino Aug 2020
to be connected to all that is truly beautiful
is a gift that makes your life blessed and bountiful
to create love out of the darkness of space
is the power of light and its grace
we need not fear in times of peril
disaster strikes hard, but is of no merit
for you are made of Light
and you see that even in pain and death,
there is a continuous life.
i choose life, before anything.
odd
eleanora santino Apr 2019
odd
as fragile as i may be
my dominion undeveloped,
i am proud of how i see this world
personal perception is something very precious
something i cannot let them steal
and against the grain it may be
i'm glad i am odd
eleanora santino Apr 2019
truth eats you when you're alone
when truth wins you lose control
i believe minds were made to be prisons
you only see what you are given
and what we are given doesn't exist
there is nothing about you that is real
they will have you forever so don't resist
eleanora santino Aug 2019
i am not enough and that is a fact
wiping the tears from my eyes has caused my fingers to prune
everything they want me to have is what i lack
all that is evil all that is dark that is all true
to me hope can be somewhat of a noose
choking and inviting and releasing to us who seek
but it can't release you
it's nothing but a ruse
tell the world to come kiss my cheek
it won't miss me and the feeling will be mutual
they told me it'd get better as if they were so sure
as if they knew anything
as if getting better was real
a poem i wrote a few months ago to convey my feelings.  it's somewhat strange to see how i thought/processed my feelings and situations. i do hope i don't become this burdened and hopeless again.
eleanora santino Jul 2019
and the earth split open
ravenous and unforgiving
it swallowed us all whole
not one of us was left living
i was taken last
made to witness the fall
to say goodbye to the past
to say goodbye to them all
they all stared blankly
as they were taken
i heard no asking
there was not a scream
or a begging sentiment
and as they swam
to the second hell
before i could speak
cry or yell
i was swallowed as well
to the pit of reckoning
where everyone fell
7-22-19
eleanora santino Aug 2019
now you know
i am not what you thought i'd be
what more did you expect?
i can now be all the forbidden colors
but still a child, a wanderer
nothing else
once you find the tunnel
you will find the way out
and once you start down this path
you will not stop running
it's not easy, being you
sometimes you have to lie
to find the truth
in the bubble of life
you're too afraid to pop
will you grow so large
until it can no longer hold you?
or will you let it suffocate you?
will you go on and rot?
will you become bigger than what presently grasps you? or will you succumb?

— The End —