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S Sep 2017
Hello my old heart.
You've been buried a long time.
The walls I have built around you are strong.
But, I built them that way to keep you safe.
I'm scared what will happen if I take
them down.
But I can, if you let me try.

Hello my numb heart.
Yes, change is here.
I'm excited and scared and a part of me wants
to go home.
But, we are mighty together.
I think we can do amazing things together.
If you let me try.

Hello my tired heart.
You are so weak with worry, I know.
Time goes fast and people change,
but we can forge a cacophony of people
and new types of love,
if you'll let me.


Hello my new heart.
I can feel you as I am curled in bed
surrounded by the
warmth
of my sadness
as I try to fill the void inside me.
Though there is a lot of depression right now,
I feel a change.

Thank you, for letting me try.
S May 2016
I can't breath today.

I can't help but wonder if
things are always going to be
this way
or
if something inside me
will change
with time
and things will start
to finally make sense.

I can't help but think that
I am dying
but I always feel this way anymore.
It's like a
shadow
that follows me
and clings to my back,
or sometimes it even
jumps out of alleyways and grabs me
when I least expect it,
when
I'm
happy.

For some reason I'm not
surprised that
I ruin everything
for
myself
because I cannot ever be content
with my
life
no matter how hard I try,
as something always
holds me back.

Maybe it's you.
Maybe it's me.
Who knows.

But
this is
suffocating me.
S Apr 2016
I don't know why I'm feeling this way,
and as the rain pours out of the open sky,
I have to remind myself that you were never mine
to begin with.
S Oct 2014
I'm disgusted with the skeleton that shows through my skin,
and my heart palpitates to a beat that I cannot trace,
I feel so weak and you stand so tall,
and I wonder if the roles were reversed,
if I could stand up as straight as you,
and if you would be able to keep yourself stitched together,
because I am always trapped in a state of frigid failure and I think
that I might be falling apart on the inside and out but
yet I never change and nothing ever happens
to make anyone notice tha-
I wonder if I will ever be whole because some days I cannot
even decide what to wear in the morning and I always,
always think about perception and things like that,
for example I accidentally dropped my earring down the sink
yesterday and I just started sobbing into the mirror and I wonder
what people thought about me,
like maybe I was having a mental
breakdown but then again,
perhaps that earring was a family heirloom that was worth
more money than a lawyer would ever make,
yet seeing yourself from the outside is different
than seeing your own reflection,
Jesus I never wanted to admit this but I think that I am dying
but I cannot stop myself from keeping the same habits and patterns
and the feeling never leaves anyway
and I always wondered how people had the time
to pray to a higher power
because I could never even wake up in
the morning without four alarms set just in case,
if Jesus decides to come down from chilling up on a cloud and talk
to a little person such as me,
I wonder if he would be able to see all the emotions
that I carry or if he would try to convert me to Christianity,
even though I was raised that way I always just felt lost
and I just could not wrap my head around self-sacrifice like that
until I met you and I realized that your life was most defiantly
worth at least ten of mine,
I'm frightened to think that one day I could end up all alone,
even though I'm pretty sure that I already am because
I push everyone away that does not understand the way that I feel.

My hands shake and tremble even when I am holding yours
and I'm sorry that you are trapped by someone like me.
S Aug 2014
The day the angels came for you,
I was wearing a lipstick that stained my mouth
the color of raspberries.
When I came into the room,
we both ignored the fact that the monitor showed
that your heartrate jumped when you saw me,
and that my body instantly began to tingle.

I brought yellow roses
because I thought red would have been inappropriate,
and you giggled and made them into a flower-crown for me.
You remembered that yellow stood for friendship and admiration,
and I only nodded in response.

The get well soon cards were stapled to the walls of your room,
but only the outside of them showed,
and we were surrounded by teddy bears and balloons that
did not show the tastes of a twenty year old boy.
The nurse came in and when she saw the holes in the walls,
you shrugged and said that we ran out of tape.
She left in a hurry.

You said that you were excited to leave your body and go to heaven,
because you wondered if the "land of milk and honey"
was really all it is cracked up to be.
I sighed, and slowly asked the clouds
to keep you with me for another day.

You told me you were tired,
but you asked me if I would stay while you took a quick "siesta",
I said I would and when you drifted off,
I fought off my better judgment
and left a mark of raspberries on your forehead,
so when I sneaked out you would wake up
and look in the mirror and see that I told you goodbye.

My lips were still stained the color of berries
when I left red roses on your gravestone two weeks later,
and I wondered if you knew that all this time
I thought you would outlive me.
S Aug 2014
I think of you far too often, and even though many people would say that this is a "good" thing,
for some reason I can only find it negative,
as I am planning on leaving soon,
and I am fond of you,
so I do not wish to give you any ideas of false hope,
or lead you on with blatant encouragement,
though I am constantly seeing your face in my mind
when I do the simple tasks,
for example I was putting away my clean dishes
and I saw a glimpse of you
when I opened the kitchen cabinet,
and in that moment I thought you were really there with me,
until I realized that you are actually at home,
probably in your bed like I am right now,
and are you bed sheets black like mine are and do you want tattoos,
because I think that when they are placed properly on the body they can be quite tasteful,
I can't stop my mind from flooding out images of us,
and it hurts me to think
that I won't be seeing you every day,
and I loathe it and I love it and I loathe how much I love it,
make it stop
because I don't think that a world without you would be so bright,
even though you do not think that you should be in it anymore,
but just know that your loss would hurt more then
ten thousand paper cuts.
S Jul 2014
I hate driving.

Sometimes when I am on the road I imagine what it would be like if I ran into a car coming the opposite direction. I would feel the glass of my windshield cutting into my skin, and feel my body being held prisoner by the seat belt.

Perhaps someone would come along and dramatically pull my from my burning car, and I would be rushed to the hospital and be drugged for a couple hours. I wonder if my family would cry.

I think that deep down, I just desperately want to experience the sway of power between life and death.

Trapped in limbo, I wonder if I finally would not feel any pain.
I'm not suicidal or anything, this was just something that came to me. I generally do have a fear of driving though.
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