i’m tired of feeling
like i wanna die
all the time
it makes me feel
sick inside because
i wanna be here for you
and i wanna keep
holding your hand
but i feel so blue
all the time
i don’t know how
to keep staying alive

i don’t want help anymore
i tried and tried but
nothing ever saved me
and i cried and cried
because i still
wanna die
i love you so much but
i wanna say goodbye
yet still stay by your side

i waste everyday
“living my life”
but i sit here and
wonder what it would be like
if i took my own life
i wish i could get better
but i’m permanently stuck
losing my mind
to the sadness that fills
the blood in my veins
which goes directly
to my brain

sometimes i feel like i'm not alive
my breath gets caught in my lungs
and i'm thinking too much about
all the things i wanna forget
my hands start to shake and
all i know is i want this feeling
to go away

yes, i lied to you. yes, i said things to make you happy. yes, those things i told you killed me inside. yes, i felt my hands turn into earthquakes after. yes, i pretended to be what you think i should be. yes, i let you treat me like ****. yes, you made me feel insignificant. yes, i was falling apart. yes, i thought about crashing my car so i wouldn’t see your face again. yes, i tried, i tried, i tried. yes, i’m tired.

i do everything i can to feel alive. i’ve ran until my knees felt weak. i’ve jumped into the cold ocean waters. i’ve gotten high. i’ve gone on the wildest of roller coasters. i’ve canopied before. i’ve eaten crazy spicy foods. i breathed. and i don’t know how to explain. i think it’s just all the headaches, sleepless nights, and lies i’ve told. i think it's just all the times i’ve cried and tried to die. maybe that overcomes the things i’ve done to forget time. maybe that overcomes the cheer of when the sun rises in the sky and the wind that caresses the trees under the bright moonlight.

i tell people everything i can’t say to myself // like that things get better // and i tell them to keep going, because in the end, everything’ll be fine // but i wanna give up every morning i wake up // since the storms rage on in my head // it makes me feel so weak // i don’t feel alive

i don't know. i feel crazy sometimes, more than others. i see people, and i see what i wish i could be; fine. everyone has **** going on, but when my friend told me she was stressed and i asked why, she replied "i don't know what to wear tomorrow." if she asked me what i was stressed about, it'd be "i don't know how to stop hating myself."

when i fall asleep at night
i dream of the color of your eyes
and how your hands won’t ever hold mine
i dream of your voice and your laugh
i loved your laugh, it was so full of life

i try to remember our happy times
sometimes i think of you too much and
i start to sink in the pain for the space
that will no longer be filled with your face
like how i won’t get to say
good morning to you anymore
or to tell you how much i hate your guts
and you’d say you love me anyway
and maybe at that moment
you would’ve loved me even more

i feel so lost without you here
i don’t like admitting i won’t ever
get to call you again on the phone
or even the way i felt when i
wanted to punch you in the face
for every word you spoke

at least it was real
at least i could get mad at you
now all i can do is wish you were here
so i could feel your warm embrace
just always remember, please remember
i love you so, i love you so

i miss the way you looked at me
like i was your everything and more
and though you turned my world upside down
you’re the one who made it whole
now my heart’s left behind
and though it’s beating
i don’t feel alive

i miss your hand in mine
i miss all your lies
i miss the nights you’d make me cry
but it was alright, because you were still alive
and that made everything fine

earth is so cool
earth is so nice
earth is the worst
earth makes me cry

it strikes my body like lightning
it fills my veins with the blood that flows
when i see chests fall and jump, i apprehend existence

ensconced on the floor, i think forevermore
my bloodstream is full of the faces i won't see again

hair pulled back; why aren't you hiding?
you let the sun gleam on your skin; you are you

waterdrops on leaves, that little bugs drink
a trembling hand holding another
stars twitching in the sky, the moonlight your silhouette

fireworks exploding in the sky
hearts melting, delightful sighs
candlelight surviving through the night
i'm losing my mind
introspection consumes me whole
i'm in a maze, my sight is hazed

it was raining last night really hard
and i thought that the storm
would go on and on and on
when i fell asleep, i slept in peace
because i knew that when i woke up
even if it was still raining
the sun would come up, anyway

i’m sorry i lied
i just didn’t want you to
break my rib cage open again
for you to rip my heart out.
now i have no heart.

and i thought
i could be alive
without you.
ends up i wanna
die without you.

last night
you yelled at me
for telling you how i feel
you said you’d stop drinking
but last night
i saw you drink
and last night i saw you
rush to the bathroom
because you were gonna go
throw it all up
you told me you were
so stressed that
at the end of the week
you drink
so that you can feel better
but you judged me when i drowned myself
in drugs to make myself feel better, too

where do your flowers
bloom,
if at all?

in a meadow?
the cracks in cement?
beneath the snow?

tell me, where they grow,
do they sway with
the wind?
or do they wilt
under the sun's
harsh rays?

tell me,
do you flowers
bloom at all?

i know you're so dark
but dawn rises
everyday,
just choose to
open the blinds

i'm not scared of lots of things
heights
spiders
flying

when i was a child
clowns never made me cry

silence was always my friend
it was comfy and safe
but now it's tormenting
now it's frightening

nightmares having me waking up
in the middle of the night
with a racing heart and
tears in my eyes

pitch black eyes staring down at me;
i wasn't a human anymore
i was an object for someone elses' delight

i didn't scream
i didn't cry
silence silence silence
it's as if i died

he threw my shirt at me
so i could clean up the mess
he left behind

i wasn't scared of lots of things
heights
spiders
flying
they still don't scare me

but memories haunt me
and they tear me up inside

you loved the sky and
i loved the color
of your eyes
i wish you were
still alive
i wish you were
still alive
with you i felt
like everything
was gonna be fine

greenery is the
new scene,
the flowers bloom
the birds sing in
the daylight,
and, i, too, emerge
from all of the cold
and dread and
hollow earth

through the cruel winter
i felt much too many
out of sync, dissonant days,
where i crumbled
such as the dirt
and whenever the
sun would kiss me
good night, i, too,
would melt away with
the day

greenery is the
new scene
i have emerged
from all of the cold
and dread and
hollow earth

i stand tall
just as all of
the yellows, purples,
pinks and reds
grow beside me

next winter,
i will be in
harmony, too,
even on the
crisp, bitter days

i
will
not
wilt
away