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Riley Lavender Sep 2014
Thinking of you
Getting anxious
Needing you

*Lather
Rinse
Repeat
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
There are moments
(mostly in the mornings)
when I can pretend
we never happened
I lay there, thinking nothing,
and I feel happy

But then
the memories
begin to bubble up
one by one
The pain returns
And I realize that
there's no escaping you
Riley Lavender Apr 2014
there is a darkness within
that cannot be controlled
cannot be contained

there is a darkness within
that craves freedom
that desires to roam

there is a darkness within
i can feel it
clawing
climbing
shoving
its way to the surface

there is a darkness within
always hungry
never satisfied

there is a darkness within
and it's growing restless
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
I keep saying
I'm done with you

I tell myself
it's over

But then
you look at me
and I melt

You kiss me
and I crumble

You touch me
and I lose all control

I'm powerless
against you
Riley Lavender Apr 2014
Today
I want to
S   C   R   E   A   M
and claw at
my flesh
Riley Lavender Mar 2014
Whenever I see an airplane
soaring through the sky
I want to be on it

I don't much care
where it's going

I just want
to go somewhere new
I want to travel
to a place where no one knows me
Where I can just get lost
in a sea of people
Where I can be
just another girl in the crowd
Riley Lavender Jun 2014
My soul
longs for another soul
with whom to share
all that I keep quiet
in my heart
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
It's cold
It's raining
and I feel more
A  L  I  V  E
than I have in weeks
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
I see all of your flaws
I see your insecurities
I can see all the things you hate about yourself
All the things that eat you up inside
and they just make you beautiful
Riley Lavender Dec 2014
If the written word
ceased to exist
I would end with it
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
It's over
and that's fine
But I could've done
without knowing
it was all my fault
Riley Lavender Dec 2014
Surrounded
by bright holiday joy
But I just feel
e  m  p  t  y
Riley Lavender Nov 2014
you left.
you pushed me away.
like what we had was nothing.
like i was nothing.
said you didn't need me.
said you had to do this alone.

you promised it would be different.
you asked for a second chance.
one fight,
and you threw in the towel.
like your apologies meant nothing.
like i meant nothing.

i can only conclude that it's true.
i was never anything to you.
Sometimes you just need to write it out. I'll probably end up taking this down.
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
Your lips
on my skin
tracing patterns
in the dark
Exploring
their old paths

Your lips
between my thighs
Tender
Gentle
Ecstasy
beyond compare

Oh, how I have missed this

My lips
form your name
The sound of it
reverberating
in every corner
of my mind

Feels so perfect
Feels so right
How could this
ever be wrong?
How could we
ever be wrong?
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
If only you knew
that I still write for you
Riley Lavender Jan 2014
i’m not depressed.

the only word I can think to describe this is

desolation.

not being with you is just…

like this morning.
i was all happy and giggly and skipping all over the place.
i kept thinking about things i wanted to tell you and i said to myself
“i have to tell him when i get home.”

but then i remembered

i’m not coming home to you.

and suddenly home
didn’t feel like home anymore

there’s emptiness here i can’t explain
can’t escape …

desolation.

i feel

desolate

without you.
Riley Lavender Oct 2014
I think
sometimes
I bring you up
in conversations
just so my lips
can form your name
Riley Lavender Feb 2015
I wish I could tell you
that I hate you

I wish I could tell you
that your memory
fills me with rage

I wish I could tell you
that I hope
you find happiness

I wish I could tell you
that I want
nothing but the best for you

I wish I could tell you
that I feel
anything at all

But I can't.

Because I don't.
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
Something in your eyes
tells me you need me
Please say this is true
Riley Lavender Apr 2014
I
don't
want to be
a  l  o  n  e
with my mind
tonight
Riley Lavender Feb 2015
I feel good enough
in your gaze
Riley Lavender Sep 2015
The smell of damp leaves
whirls around me
There's a chill in the air
and a sense of mischief
in the sway of the trees

It's coming
*It's coming...
Riley Lavender Nov 2014
i want to move to a big city
and be anonymous
for a little while
Riley Lavender Apr 2014
In my head
he walks in

In my head
I'm all alone

In my head
I'm trying to hide
that I've been crying
Probably over how
I'm pretty sure
I'm not good enough for him

In my head
he sees through my mask
and takes me in his arms,
somehow knowing my thoughts

He tilts my chin up
and I'm staring into
his smiling brown eyes

"I really want to kiss you,"
he says
"You know, there's a word for that,"
I say

He laughs
I smile

But only in my head
Only in my head
Riley Lavender Dec 2014
I refuse to let you
pull me down

When I think of you
I'll put on a happy song
and dance

When I think of you
I'll paint a picture of a sunset

When I think of you
I'll belt out show tunes

When I think of you
I'll put on a funny movie
and laugh until my sides hurt

I won't collapse into tears
I won't whisper your name
into the night
I won't stop eating
I won't stop sleeping

When I think of you
I will fight your memory

I refuse to let you pull me down
Riley Lavender Jan 2014
love is a lot like the flame of a candle. i know it’s terribly cliche, but stay with me. once lit, love dances wildly and unabashedly, illuminating even the darkest of corners. it brings warmth to the places where warmth seemed impossible. it bathes everything in a new light and gives the world a whole new glow.

but, expose it to even the smallest outside force, and it’s out, leaving you with nothing but smoke and the strong scent of what used to be.

that’s how we are, you and me. just watching the smoke curl into the blackness. every now and then, though, our candle is re-lit and our flame dances wildly and passionately, the way it did in the beginning, giving light to corners we’d forgotten about.

and then, out of nowhere……whoooosh. the most subtle breeze blows through.





it’s out.
Riley Lavender Jan 2014
into the depths of the soul
we catch a glimpse
with every stroke

we hear the sighs
feel the longing

we see the tears
feel the sorrow
the ache

we rejoice in the triumphs
feel the love
the joy

in this world
pen
paper
writer
are one
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
Your name
always on my lips

Your face
always there
when I close my eyes

Your presence
always in my dreams

You haunt me
Riley Lavender Jan 2015
And so it sets in again
That same old melancholy
Riley Lavender Mar 2014
There is nothing
harder on the heart
than the choice between
holding on
and moving on

I still love you
but I adore him, too

What to do...
Oh, what to do?

*What should I do?
Riley Lavender May 2014
Happy today
and
I know
I should be grateful
but
it's hard to be
when I know
that the
d a r k n e s s
is lurking
just around the corner
Riley Lavender Nov 2014
I can sit here
and roll my eyes
and pretend like it doesn't hurt
But the truth is
I'm *heartbroken
Riley Lavender Aug 2014
I'm never more in love with you
than I am in those moments
that you're at your most vulnerable
Riley Lavender Feb 2015
In your arms
there is a subtle feeling
that all is right in the world
Teala Mangano © 2015
Riley Lavender Oct 2014
I put your memories in a box
(I didn't want to need them anymore)
But I couldn't close the lid

I stared at those memories in a box
For a week or maybe three
Wondering if you had your own box
Or was it only me?

I got lost in those memories in a box
The way it felt when we kissed
Bedtime stories
and your fingers in my hair
The smell of your soap
The warmth of your arms
and the sound of I love you in my ear

I looked at those memories
with a smile and a bittersweet sigh

I put your memories in a box
and today I closed the lid
Riley Lavender Jul 2015
Your name
haaaaaaunts
the dark recesses
of my mind
And I can't
ignore it
anymore
Riley Lavender Jan 2015
Am I ever
gonna be enough
just as I am?
Riley Lavender Oct 2014
chest tightening
pressure building
here we go again

throat closing
panting
coughing
crying
can't breathe
why does this
always happen?

head pounding
heart racing
mind buzzing
all i did
was say your name
out loud
Riley Lavender Mar 2014
I'm eating at that place we always used to go to.
I can see our usual table.
I can see us sitting there
laughing
talking about dinosaurs.

And it makes me miss you.
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
Two loves
Two tugging at my heart
One old and familiar
The other barely explored

Flip-flopping between the pulls
Don't know which way to go
Emotions blurred
Everything's a mess
Can't I just have you both?
Riley Lavender Feb 2014
Your name
like a monosyllabic sigh
like the wind through the trees
Beating like a symphony
in my heart
Riley Lavender Jun 2015
"No one cares
about your words"
Teala Mangano © 2015
Riley Lavender Jan 2014
there is music
all around us

it’s in the leaves
and soft petals
as they dance to the beat of the wind

it’s in a ripple
as it glides across the surface of the water

it’s in the quiet
thump-thump
of a bird’s wings

it’s in the river
as the water trickles over pebbles

it’s in the playful notes
of a cardinal’s song

it’s in the breeze
as it whooshes through the grass

it’s in the
pitter patter
of your shoes as you bounce along

to hear it
all you have you have to do
is quiet your mind
open your heart
and listen
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
I only
half exist
when
you're not here
Riley Lavender Feb 2015
He and I
have a love
that refuses to die

You and I
were a flash in the pan

Is it really a surprise
that I chose him over you?
Riley Lavender Sep 2014
I love you,
my dear,
fiercely
and with reckless abandon
Riley Lavender Aug 2014
Saying that
I
love
you

doesn't really do it justice,
but it's a good place to start
Riley Lavender Dec 2014
You're gone
and you're happy
and I'm still just...here
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