Well my baby's blue
Almost all the time
She's a broken soul
Can't go out alone at night
And her tattoos
And her sweeter side
And all her bad advice
Under the neon lights

I've been broken down
I've been split in two
If I go straight with you
I'll be searching
For your face tonight

But if fates allow
If fates allow
Then we'll collide
Under the neon lights

If fates allow
There'll champagne
And endless wine
There'll be broken glass
In the morning
But we won't mind

Because we'll be sleeping late
We'll be wide-eyed
You'll be coming down
I know you'll be coming down
After the neon lights

After
The neon lights

Well I sold my soul
For a melody
I've sunk my teeth into
Every half-strung tragedy
And all these childish tantrums
Darling, they don't work on me

But you're most beautiful
Under the neon lights
Under the neon lights
Under the neon lights

I forgot to tell you,
When you were out of town
I sold my soul to the devil.

He was quick and proud
Found me kneeling on the ground
Now I'm promised to him forever.

Yes, he walked me down the lane
And he showed me all my shame
All my hope is a flower in the desert.
That devil said I can't come home to you.

Now your lots are in
So I'll confess my sin
Swear to god she could love you better.

I went and cast my line
Cause the devil said, "It's time"
But there's a deluge in the river.

He took me up the hill
Offered media and pills
All my hope is a flower in the desert.
That devil said I can't come home to you.

I have a friend, he's mostly made of pain
He wakes up, drives to work and straight back home again
He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover
And I tried to tell him he had a sense
Of color and composition so magnificent
And he said, "Thank you, please
But your flattery
It's truly not becoming me
Your eyes are poor, you're blind you see
No beauty could have come from me
I'm a waste
Of breath, of space, of time"

I knew a woman, she was dignified and true
Her love for her man was one of her many virtues
Until one day she found out that he had lied
And decided the rest of her life from that point on would be a lie
She was grateful for everything that had happened
And she was anxious for all that would come next
But then she wept, what did you expect?
In that big old house with the car she kept
And, "Such is life," she often said
With one day leading to the next
You get a little closer to your death
Which was fine with her, she never got upset
And with all the days she may have left
She would never clean another mess
Or fold his shirts or look her best
She was free
To waste away alone

Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove
And this cop pig pulled him off to the side of the road
And he said, "Officer, officer, you've got the wrong man
No, no, I'm a student of medicine, a son of a banker, you don't understand"
The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful
And your carelessness, it is something awful
And no, I can't just let you go
And though your father's name is known
Your decisions now are yours alone
You're nothing but a stepping stone
On a path
To debt, to loss, to shame"

The last few months I've been living with this couple
Yeah, you know the kind who buy everything in doubles
Yeah, they fit together like a puzzle
I love their love, and I am thankful
That someone actually receives the prize that was promised
By all those fairy tales that drugged us
And still do me, I'm sick, lonely
No laurel tree, just green envy
Will my number come up eventually?
Like love's some kind of lottery
Where you scratch and see what's underneath
It's sorry, just one cherry
I'll play again, get lucky

So now I hang out down by the train's depot
No, I don't ride, I just sit and watch the people there
They remind me of windup cars in motion
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense
And their life's one track and can't they see it's pointless?
But just then my knees give under me
My head feels weak and suddenly
It's clear to see it's not them but me
Who's lost my self-identity
And I hide behind these books I read
While scribbling my poetry
Like art could save a wretch like me
With some ideal ideology
That no one could hope to achieve
And I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me
And everything I've made is trite and cheap
And a waste
Of paint, of tape, of time

So I park my car down by the cathedral
Where the floodlights point up at the steeples
Choir practice is filling up with people
I hear the sound escaping as an echo
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle
When the voices blend they sound like angels
I hope there's some room still in the middle
But when I lift my voice up now to reach them
The range is too high way up in heaven
So I hold my tongue, forget the song
Tie my shoes, start walking off
And try to just keep moving on
With my broken heart and my absent God
And I have no faith but it's all I want
To be loved, and believe
In my soul, in my soul



(This is not mine, its from my favorite singer/song writer Conor Oberst/Bright Eyes)

Killed vibes, killer lines
I ****** these verses every time
Always got my heart out on the line
Always on the lookout
For that perfect rhyme
Every night I just have to write
I can't stop I'm addicted to this
I like the feeling it gives
Especially when others
Find a connection
Then they find it worth expressing
That is a powerful thing
It leaves me in awe
It just makes me want
To do this even more

Jot these thoughts
With a pen and pad
Give them a story
To which they can relate
Even if it's something fake
Surprise and shock
Is something I love
Like to make people think
Like people to relate
And let them know
there are people out there
Who feel the same way.

Don't need no psychologist
To diagnose me
Truth is I'm not that crazy
These are thoughts everyone thinks
I just put them on public display
On my **** Facebook page
Hey, hey thought of a topic
I can completely address today
Pass me the megaphone
I got something to say...
Jot these thoughts
With a pen and pad
Give them a story
To which they can relate
Even if it's something fake
Surprise and shock
Is something I love
Like to make people think
Like people to relate
And let them know
there are people out there
Who feel the same way.

Hey, hey
To all the Unknown
The faithless, faceless
Looking for a voice
Looking around Y'all gotta choice
In the sadness, loneliness
You're looking for a way out
Everyone that's so full of doubt
Turn to blades, drugs or alcohol
There are other solutions
Listen up now
I put my thoughts
Into a chorus and a verse
The best way out
Is to put your thoughts into words

Jot these thoughts
With a pen and pad
Give them a story
To which they can relate
Even if it's something fake
Surprise and shock
Is something I love
Like to make people think
Like people to relate
And let them know
there are people out there
Who feel the same way.

©2018 Written By Benji James

For the longest time I've kept my immediate family away from myself.
In retrospect my introversion and quietude as a child bordered on hostile. Most of the time i thought things but never said them. I now wonder if half my memories and excursions with people were all made up in my head while i sat there and said nothing. It's difficult opening up to people because no one ever asks and when they do it's never the right questions.
For a while i thought perhaps i had been autistic without even knowing but without proper diagnosis i am unable to say for sure and i highly doubt it now.
The thing is, while i very much enjoy words and nothing brings me pleasure like listening to my favorite people speak to each other while i pleasantly nod and wait for my turn in order to produce a monologue i had been preparing all the while with the proper pauses almost like i had gone back and done multiple revisions i find it difficult to banter. I am unable to jump from one topic to the next. I cannot for the life of me poetically jump from book commentary to the latest gossip as to why the barista at the local coffee shop wastes so much time talking about tattoos when all you want is your daily dose of caffeine. I must admit that this never really bothered me before. Yes, I comprehend that without dialogue it is not possible to keep relationships or even a simple job. I understand that without having anything interesting to say you will quickly lose friends and resort to whatever internet personas do all day. I've always been seen as the sensitive presence. Most of the time that I am zoning out people will agree that i'm just thinking about important things even though really i'm unable to stop myself from disassociating or even severe daydreaming at times. In fact, most of the time i am just there. However, when i'm alone without the impending life-or-death situations of being responsible for acknowledging the existence of other people there is a sense of liberation. I will go about my day hastily jumping from one task to the next. I am often bewildered by those that cannot bear being in their own company. They will seek any alternative rather than being alone and let me just say that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and while i have felt both these with the same intensity i cannot say that which I am more perplexed by.

Physically I’m here
But mentally I’m away
I’m out on vacation
With my Lord today

Praising Him for my blessings
Thinking about His forgiving soul
Doing good things in His name
And learning of my God-given role

It’s an all-expense-paid trip
But am I worth the expense?
I am but a mere sinner
That asks for my hands to be rinsed

My faith gives Him the credit
My baptism makes me His son
And if I stay on the right path
I will arrive at His mansion when life is done

So now you know where I am
You should come; it’s not hard to find
Or leave me a message and I’ll get back to you
If I return to my worldly mind

The first thing that you forget, when you stop talking to someone is the sound of their voice.
So I suggest with every voicemail you receive, save it.
Whether it be from your grandma or your aunt or your boyfriend
You'll miss them sooner or later if they leave you.
When It's a healthy time for you, and you miss them a lot,
You'll still have their voice.
The way they spoke, every lisp every stutter
You'll hear it in that old voicemail.

I once loved a boy.
Some know most of  the story, some only know half
But only he and I know every end and out of that year and a half.
I still have his voicemails,
but they aren't only the happy ones.
Matter of fact, he only left me a voicemail when he was angry or when he had news he couldn't keep to himself long enough.
I deleted the happy ones after we broke up.

But I didn't do it because I was angry,
I did it because I wasn't worthy.
And yet, they're still in my trash bin waiting, ready to be recovered.

Because some days, I wonder if he's happy.
Then I'll hear his voicemail telling me he got his GED.
And it was because of me.
Because some days I wonder if he misses me
Then I'll hear his voicemail telling me he loves me and always will

See, I have a problem: I'm a hoarder
I horde voices.
I horde the sound of laughs and cries,
I horde the angry and the happy times.
I take them all and keep them close.
And I try and keep phones for as long as I can.
Because when the phone goes,
So do the voices that I hold dear.

So darling if you wonder if I still have every old voicemail you've ever sent me the answer is clear.
If I miss you, I press my phone to my ear.

But now it's been so long that your voice scares me.
The old voicemails sit and take up my data since I'm too afraid to delete them.
That means your gone forever
And while I may have broken your heart I hope you forgive me
And I hope this voicemail makes you smile.

let's talk about curiosity.* let's talk about gas burners and sidewalk cracks and how there are french towns in canada where people who don't know each other greet each other with a kiss on each cheek. this is a collection of all the things you knew would hurt and then did them anyways but made sure i was looking. like all those kisses and trips to petco and looking at me from the drivers side-- don't take your eyes off the road, you'll end up like the rest of them did. let me tell you about how my favorite sounds include the following: crickets, gas burners lighting, coffee brewing, and you on the last train to god knows where but the train is coming soon. i can hear the trembling carts on the railway and i can hear you and your voice sounds like getting drunk off wine and witty jokes, sounds like the mantra of "temptation" but in the most subtle way as if i'd mistake it for something holy just to see if you'd notice, sounds like an epiphany i've waited too long to hear, sounds like every "let's talk about it" and "you look alluring" and "i just couldn't help myself" put into one. but mostly. this is what you're going to have to sit down for, because i won't repeat it. does perpetual comfort exist at your train seat? even when i'm not there? does she sit next to you? or is all the spilled tea pooling at my feet explanation enough?  i won't repeat it. not even to the sidewalk cracks or the broken compasses or the birds or the torn down bus seat behind ours or into your voicemail. i won't. especially not into your voicemail. *because here it is:

If I was a mountain

That soared towards the sky,

With craggy snow caps

And stormy grey eyes-



Then you'd be the clouds

That swaddled my peak,

That silenced my thunder

When I tried to speak.



If I was the earth

The desert, in fact:

With arid dry soil

And mud, baked and cracked-



You'd be the rain

The downpour that soothed;

The balm to my bruises,

Relief to my wounds.



If I was the Moon

In the indigo night,

With stars as my blanket

And silver; my light-



Well you'd be the Sun

Just always behind

That lent me your glow

And caused me to shine.