there are so many ways I could describe you;

but I would start with the way your eyes look behind those black-rimmed glasses that emphasize your perfect chocolate brown eyes that you sometimes you wear green contacts to cover because you don't like it when they're tawny.

and your smile is brighter than a new fluorescent light bulb that has just been put in; so white that even the whites of your lovely eyes couldn't compare. I really love when you smile, especially the ones you direct at me. even when you laugh, you seem so effortlessly flawless that it takes me a minute to catch my breath that you constantly seem to take away.

don't get me started on the way you kiss. there was so much passion and affection and want. it was like your life depended on morphing your mouth with mine. it was actually the most empowering feeling I'd ever had.

but there's much more to you than just the physical attributes;

maybe I should depict the way you always hold yourself together and seem so strong but when you finally fall apart, you always let me know how you're feeling and it makes me wonder what I did to become so important that you would allow me to be your allegorical shoulder to cry on.

how about your silly stories that always make me smile or laugh because I know it makes you feel good to know that we can still joke around together even after all the mistakes we made and awkward moments when it was pretty much impossible for us to be in the same room to get to the point we're at now.

I can always tell when you are having a bad day or when you just don't want to talk to anyone and I respect those times because everyone goes through hard times and sometimes, you just need to be alone in your own mind for a while and block out everything and everyone else.

sometimes I wonder how I could've let someone who clearly wanted to build a relationship with me get away. things were a little rocky at the start, I was nervous and unsure, you were experienced and confident. I admit that I acted solely out of exploration but it doesn't mean that I didn't care about you. I did and I still do.

they're just not the same feelings that they used to be. they transformed from an infatuation to an appreciation. I used to think I might've been in love with you. but then I opened my heart up and I noticed that there was a difference. I still think you're attractive and I still admire your personality but, I just don't think we could be a "we".

but I really would like to say "thank you". you gave me attention that I'd never encountered before. you helped me recognize my worth and that is the most important thing that anyone could have done for me.

thoughts of us swarm my mind
like a cloud of locusts,
their strong power of flight
damaging every circuit,
all interconnected,
causing every part of my body
to slow down and reminisce of
the time we spent being
together.

life is rampant,
and when suppressed,
it can blossom into
a violent flow of emotions
that are stronger
than any painkiller
a doctor can prescribe.

his tears were like ice cubes,
frozen in my heart, making me feel
his cold rush of sadness and in that moment,
it was as clear as water how I felt about him.
it was love.
it had to be.
how else could I feel my stomach in my throat
and my own tears welling up
when I saw those red-rimmed eyes look up at me?
it was love and I was doomed.

I am not a toy.
you cannot treat me like one.
you cannot set me down and wait until you decide you want me again.
I am not a toy.
I am a person, with feelings and a beating heart,
and I will not be treated as less.

how is it that I still feel every single emotion that you imposed on me?
how can I make you stop invading my mind with memories that inflict as much pain as they had joy? how is it that you were such a significant presence in my life and destroyed every inch of my ability to trust or love anyone? how is it that I still can't let go of you when you made me let go of myself?

sometimes, I wish
I was a morning person
so that I could see
the domestic way
the sun kisses the sky
when it rises
from its slumber.

I find that being in the in-crowd isn't all that great.
There's always these people who will talk about you and
whatever you do, you will never fit in with them.
So you decide to be an outcast instead.

I find that being an outcast isn't all that great either.
There's always these lines about "being yourself" and all that
inspiring crap, but being yourself doesn't always work when you're
an outcast.
You may think that the other outcasts accept you for who you are but, they don't and you will never fit in with them either.

So what do you decide to be now?

it seems mundane.
everyday is the same thing. the same schedule.
one would think it would be easier that way. . .
however, I find it absolutely oppressive,
following the same routine all the time.

I want something different, something new.
I want to see the world and explore other cultures.
I want to learn more languages and study foreign art and literature.
I want everyday to be an adventure. . .
not the equivalent of the day before.

you strangled the breath from my lungs
and I felt a pain worse than death,
but in the end, it was better to feel the pain
than nothing at all.

don't worry little seed,
you will bloom and grow into a beautiful flower soon.
it is only a matter of time.